Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Monday, July 31, 2006

High bottom AA meetings...

This post title may piss some people off, so if you are one of those, please take note of your reaction. Please read my note in red in the sidebar panel on the right hand side. I may want a reaction out of you. That's how we grow...

Anyway I went to what I used to call a "high-bottom AA meeting" here in town. I recall the first time I went to that meeting I felt like I didn't fit in. I pulled into the parking lot, and there wasn't a used car to be seen. It looked like all the urban assault vehicles in town were there, brand new and shiny. Then there's me with my alcoholic car. My car has dents, that have dents. But this time I didn't notice the clicks. I didn't feel "less than." I felt like I belonged there, even though I was having a bad hair day. I might go back to that one. Pretty alcoholics are cool too. Maybe I have just accepted that they are no better or worse off than I am.

My doc appointment went off as expected. Don't know what's wrong. I was placed on another diuretic, so now I take two. Peeing twice as much. I did make it a whole meeting without dashing to the restroom though!! My doc ordered some labs so I gave some blood to check out liver and kidney function. I had a kidney stone once in the mid 70's. Lordy those are painful. Like natural child birth. I did drink a lot of coffee today and into the early evening, so I'll probably be up late! Grrrr! The high bottom AA meeting, I was glad I went. I'm gonna go back there. Thanks for being here for me. I wish you all the best this next 24 hours....
A friend of mine just started a blog today. Please visit him  here. He's new...but cool...

Dr Zorba...

Well here in about 45 minutes, I'll be seeing my doctor concerning my weight gain extremity edema thing I have going on. Maybe I'm just a "swell" guy...

Went to a meeting last night. I was going to share, but the next thing I knew, the chairman says, "Anyone have a burning desire?" The meeting was over. Saw some drunks I haven't seen for a while, was nice seeing them. I feel as if I'm becoming part of a big family of people just like me. That's a dangerous thought, but it has a nice ring to it I think. It's wonderful to know that AA is a constant in my life today. The program will always be, only the faces change at times. Ok, I have to go make myself pretty for my doctor appointment. Remind me to wear clean underwear.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Bloated toads...

As a kid, I had a thing for reptiles. I remember having 32 lizards and 8 snakes and one really big turtle. That was until my mom stepped on one of my lizards in her bedroom in her bare feet. I had to take them all down to the river and let them all go. I think I out grew that, except lately, I've been wanting to go snake hunting. I see I haven't blogged since last Thursday. I spent that day being fat. I feel like the bloated toads I used to see that had been in the sun too long. The nurse said, Oh look at that poor alcoholic fat man! I am retaining water for whatever reason. The doc thinks I have a clot someplace, but I don't really care. Whatever it is there isn't much I can do about it. I have been placed on a diuretic, and have to pee every 5 minutes. I'm a real hit at AA meetings. There he goes...I have no pearls of wisdom to roll out on this page today. I might go to a meeting. There is a meeting where I can go where there isn't a lot of cross talk. I might go to that one. I miss big city ghetto meetings where they don't tolerate that shit. The kind of meetings that you go to and out of instinct, you keep your hand on your wallet. When somebody gets up and a gun accidently falls out onto the floor. Those are great meetings. It's like, "Hey you! Shut the fuck up somebody sharin' here!"
With that being said, I'm just going to listen for a while...Ya'll have a good Sunday. I can say ya'll cuz one of my characters lived in North Carolina...

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Normal things...

For the past three weeks I have been looking at art. Now, here I go and blow my bad boy image. I do a photo thing on the net. Just a group of people from all over the world, sharing photos. I have been trying to get into the feelings of what a picture is trying to show. Now, I know this sounds a little cornball, but I just now caught myself. For the past 30 minutes, I have been looking at this photo, that finally brought out some feelings in me and I began to cry. There's a picture of a beautiful black woman, who is obviously living in a third world country. She expresses her feelings very well in her art. I received an email from this lady and she really didn't have to tell her story by text. But just by looking deep into what a picture has to offer is just amazing to me. In her photos, I could see, love, joy, happiness, rage, fear, worry, hurt, pain and curiosity. These feelings I gathered from her art. I sensed that she has strong love for her family. I felt also that she had been raped, beaten, tortured, and stabbed. I don't know why, I just could feel these things. This email I got from her revealed these things to me. They did actually happen in Africa, where violence is rampant. She tells me that she keeps love and joy very close to her heart, despite all the despair, carnage, gloom and doom. She says her art is her way to heal. This is truly a very gifted and remarkable person. She knows by being in the wrong place at the wrong time, she could be gone with a swipe of a knife. With this being a very real possibility, she has learned not to waste a second of joy and happiness. The power of this woman's spirit is beyond words, but certainly, not beyond feeling.

Currently, I am still basically speechless. At the same time, I feel myself opening up to the possibilities...My problems seem really small. The possibilities are huge.

This reminds me of a story told by Father Joe Martin. "There are two little boys, placed into a house. One is an optimist, and one is a pessimist. Each of them are given a shovel, and are given directions for each of them to go to different rooms of this house and open the door. One boys door was on the first floor, the other boys door was on the second floor. The man said, "I'll be back in thirty minutes and see how things are going." and he left. When he came back, the man goes to the little boy sitting on the floor in the hallway in front of his door. "What's wrong?" the man asked. "This room is packed solid with horse manure, there can't be anything good in here!" So the man left and went upstairs to see what the other little boy was doing. Before the man was half way up the stairs he could hear the singing and whistling of the boy. The man peers into the room, and here's this little boy with the biggest smile on his face! He's singing, whistling, and shoveling horse dung!! The surprised man said, "Why are you so happy?" The little boy stopped shoveling and said, "With all this horse manure, there's got to be a pony around here somewhere!!"
I pray we all can find OUR pony...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Choices...

When drinking and or drugging, those things made choices for me. Mostly bad ones. Today I believe I have been restored to sanity, and can make rational choices, after prayer, to ask for Gods will for me. Some choices I have to pray about. It brings me peace, and more time to think things through. That is such a wonder to me. That ability to drop impulsive behavior. Man, that is some growth.
For us, if we neglect those who are still sick, there is unremitting danger to our own lives and sanity. Pg 151 of the 12x12.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Heat, and fat men...

Well, tomorrow starts a cooling trend, with temps dropping to around 100 F. Even though it is cool in this place, one side of the house is exposed to the sun all day. I have foil in most of the windows. I must be a redneck. I have put on a lot of weight, and I'm fat. Or, let's put it this way:"I'm heavier than I want to be." That's not as self deprecating. I have let this heat get to me, and I have found myself utter a naughty word on occasion. Like all day long. So what did I do today to grow. All I did is read Steps one through five in the 12x12. Then I took a nekkid nap. I read the "Daily Reflections" for today. It is fitting when I look over my previous post.
HELPING OTHERS Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs." page 20, AA Big Book

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Was too hot to do much...

The heat today is incredible! I did manage to read the chapter "More About Alcoholism" it begins on page 30 of the Big Book. I see myself as the "jaywalker." I have relapsed a lot. I'm still one of those that have to interrupt that mental twist that begins the insanity. My defects of character are here, and they try to rent space in my head. I don't have to drink to do crazy making. That's why I've started..."The Big Push." Daily prayer and meditation. I had a sponsor in the 80's that studied meditation with the Dali Lama, or whatever that holy man's name is. He could meditate and enter into an area of his brain he called the "white" area. That was the only color he saw and he could stay there for a long time. Sometimes the feeling he got from meditation would last him all day. I had to ask him once what it felt like when he was in his "white" area. He said he could only describe it as "ecstasy." He had a lot of sobriety too. In the 80's I had another sponsor too, he was a dentist. A terrific man. I have to remember this one critical point about recovery. Nobody ever has it made." I lost both those sponsors, one by overdose and one by suicide.
That's simple enough to illustrate my point. My life is just a one day at a time thing.  I have no past,  I have no future.  I only have today. Just for today I know what to do, and that's work with alcoholics, addicts, trust in my God, while cleaning my own house. It's a free program. Today I am Grateful for:


  • Tod, for leading me by example, and for his hugs.
  • Mellissa and Greg, for keeping me in touch with my anger. So I'll write about it.
  • Sharon, for reminding me what a gentleman is, and for what she does for the ladies in AA.
  • Fred, for what he does for others at the club, and his hugs.
  • A roof over my head.
  • Air Conditioning! Fans!
  • Cupboards, refrigerator and freezer full of food.
  • Family who still love me. Even both my exwives.
  • My purple blankie!!


See you all Monday. I hope you all had a semi-smooth weekend. Manic Monday is near! Thank God for another 24!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Amazing Blogesphere...

I don't know how to spell blogesphere. But recovery blogs are everywhere...The concept of keeping a log on the web, is growing remarkably fast I forgot the actual stat. It's huge though. It's cool to read the blogs of others in recovery when I'm home. It's almost like keeping a conscious contact goin' on. A handful of bloggers that are in contact are amazing and I pray for them daily, and it's awesome to see growth in all of us despite our differences. I think we all have the "singleness of purpose happenin'" if that's the right phrase. My email has been down most all afternoon, and I was on the phone for nearly an hour, before the support person told me the problem was with their server, and to try again in an hour. It's been two and a half hours and the email is still not working. There was a time when this would push me into a bad angry pissy state of mind. Not today. Even IF, I have to act as IF. Catch my drift? Maybe "fake it till ya make it" does.
Somebody said that fakin' it till ya make it is not being honest. Too bad. We can't think our way into a new lifestyle. We have to move our feet, one step at a time. If I act as if I'm on a spiritual path, maybe that will become habitual. It's certainly worth a try. This alcoholic has nothing to lose by faking it. Besides a little mystery is very cool.
I will be leaving soon to go get a computer that needs fixin' and then to the Alano Club for the General Membership meeting. The coffee overdosing group.LOLOL...Peace to you all today and stay out of this gawd awful heat if you can...Hugs, and kisses, AB ;o) Fake it...Hmmmmm...

Be still, know there is one God...

Playing with graphics is fun, especially at 3:23am. I have been trying graphic manipulation with Paint Shop Pro.  I have Adobe Photo Shop, but I'll have to take a class at the local mini-college for that. That mutha is complicated!!
Much like I will have to study Adobe Photo Shop to put it to good use,  I must study the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a text book. If one goes to school, we study using text books. The basic text book of Alcoholics Anonymous is one that I don't study enough. The third edition of the AA Big Book, I could recite passages like a preacher quoting scripture. Now, the basic text has a Fourth Edition. I have to study it if I want to pass this class.
I'll be dead if I don't look at it daily. My new ritual daily, will be to read a chapter out of this book. I must do this if I expect to make any progress spiritually;  I have to lead by example in order to help others. I can no longer be a phony. I want people to someday to say, "You know, that old fart AB really cares about people..."
Step Three has been slapping me around everyday for over a week now. I have been driven to my knees, not by my own doing, but from a power greater than any man. I believe it to be God. I have and continue to be humbled daily. I have my own version(s) of the Third Step prayer, but here it is out of the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous, from page 63, second paragraph:
We are now at Step Three. Many of us said to our maker, as we understood HIM: "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
I can now do this prayer with others and be real about it. I can feel it in my guts. For this broken man, this is some kinda miracle! Geez Louise!! I have to get back to bed if I'm gonna get up at a decent hour!!(on Saturday, anytime before noon...LOL)

Friday, July 21, 2006

I see it...

I was looking at my Happy-HNT pic below, and found a sad face!! Do you see it?? Just above my big fat toe!??

It's getting HOT baby!!

The National weather trusted servants have issued a severe weather warning for my part of the state. HOT. Temps as high as 108 F. So, it looks like an indoor weekend for me. I have AC and I still get hot. Maybe it's because I'm fat? Anyway, I finally got back on the Wellbutrin yesterday. The placebo effect is working as I feel better already. Last night I slept straight through, except I did wake up during a vivid dream, a good one too! I went back to sleep hoping to pick up where I left off in the dream. That never works for me but I always try. Now that sounds alcoholic doesn't it...LOL...I feel really mellow today. Somethings up. I'm usually a twitching mass of flesh. Maybe the HP is doing something. Whatever, I will keep asking and praying for the knowlege of HIS/HER will for me. Tonight is my Big Book suudy meeting. I'm looking forward to that one.
I remember the days when hot summers were fun! Going swimming and waterskiing. You have a great weekend and keep the plug in the jug!! Don't make me get out that can of Whoopass!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!


Seems I slept 2 hours on, 2 hours off last night. But I am sober! I have an HP today that's workin' on me and I'll let HIM instead of me taking the wheel outta his hands. That reminds me of that recent country western song, "Jesus Take the Wheel." Ya'll have a fine day!!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Getting over me...A bumpy ride hang on!!!

I am having those moments today where I can't seem to get over myself, and I know why. I have been doing my own planning to get off ALL my psych meds. Right now, I called my doctors nurse, and actually was connected to a human in his office, I had to pause, waiting for the "To continue in English, press 1" but it didn't happen. A real nurse answered!! I felt I had better find out where my Wellbutrin prescription was. For the second time in a row, they called in into the wrong pharmacy. So here I wait for a call saying it's ready for pickup at my regular pharmacy. I have been off of them for too long, and I'm being out right nasty. My attitude sux. This better living through chemistry is miserable.Me me me wants to be my own doctor. I I I want to run the show. Seems I spend too much time picking up not only psych meds, but my "normal" kinds of meds to like Lipitor. Almost two years ago my cholesterol was so high, my doc said if it got any higher, I would become a solid. Now my HDL/LDL is within normal limits. Thank God for that. Plus, I try to avoid red meat as much as I can. I try to eat fish and birds. I don't want to, and I'm pissed off this afternoon, but I will drag myself to a meeting and try to put on a "happy face" for everyone. But that will fail. I'm ill today, and at least others need to see me, as an example of an "Alcoholics Gone Wild" video. To carry the messege that you will find yourself a mess like me, if you don't follow your doctors orders and not thinking about God.. I wasn't going to get my Wellbutrin refilled. I 'spose I can see enough of me to realize the mess I'm in and know what to do to get out of it. I just don't want to. "Well, Alcoholic Brain, that's just too damn bad now isn't it you self-centered, self-seeking egotistical know-it-all. Now get your ass to the 6pm meeting then go get your happy pills." Ok AB.

Butt Prints In The Sand...

Butt prints in the Sand
A parody of Footprints in the Sand

One night, I had a wondrous dream;
One set of footprints there was seen.
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
"Those prints are large and round and neat,
But, Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones.
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.
You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of-faith you would not know.
So I got tired and fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt,
Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."


More quotes and Prose here.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Into action...

I met with my sponsor today as usual. Every Tuesday afternoon, for about an hour and a half, sometimes less. He gave some good pointers. I will use them. Then I went and got my 400mg shot of Testosterone! Thank God! Maybe now my moods will be on a more even keel. Goodbye crankiness and hot flashes for a while. Hormones can be a bitch. I try not to let them bother me, but they do for sure! Thank God for modern medicine. In the past, I would probably been tarred and feathered and run outta town on a rail by now. I know a person that wants to do that to me right now!! But I won't step on toes. Overall, I spent most of the day in bed. For whatever reason, I felt very tired all day. I take an antidepressant called Remeron to help me sleep. Usually I don't take it, and when I do, it's usually a half a hit. Last night I was jacked-up so I took a full 15mg tab, and I have spent the day in a haze like fog. Almost stoned. Ok, stoned. I really want to get off all these psych meds so I can learn who I really am. My doc and will make a plan of attack in September to do this.One day at a time until then. Oh, one day at a time forever!! Even if they have to put me in a Posey jacket and put me into Trembling Hills Hospital for the Terminally Nervous, that's ok too. Would get real close to God with that kinda trip!!
Today I am still grateful for all the "things" happening in my life. I pray they are for all of you too. Until next time!! Hugs and kisses! AB...

Monday, July 17, 2006

I am grateful today...

What a difference a coupla days can make! My alcoholic car got weller, so it is working great now! I was really bummed without wheels. I went to the Alano Club today and talked recovery and had some laughs with some of the regulars that go there daily for coffee and chat. Many of the people in the local area refer to the Alano Club as an "armpit." Sometimes it can be like a bar without the alcohol. Recovering Alcoholics gone wild! Hmmm, another video opportunity? HAHA! I enjoy the Alano Club, so I am part of the "armpit." Perhaps someday I'll grow out of the "armpit" and branch out into a franchise. But I belong there, with the rest of the crazies, and the occasional homeless people that wander in off the streets.
Today, I'm grateful for a roof over my head, a car that runs, auto insurance, AA and my friends in it, food in the cupboards and freezer and fridge. Let's not forget Moose Tracks ice cream!! I am grateful for the blog community and those bloggers that email to make sure I'm on my best behavior. I have a willingness to let God run my life just for today, and so far, my God is a rocker!! With that said, I'll put on some old time rock and roll, the kind of music that soothes the soul....Wishing you all another 24!! Ok, Buh bye!!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Much better...

Nothing like being around a handsome group of sick people to make me feel better. I volunteered at the Alano Club tonight. Pouring coffee, selling AA/NA stuff, working a cash register. I get off on being around my people. Sober drunks are a fine lot. I'm sick too, so hey, it's all good. It has a way of making my problems really small. I closed up at 9:15pm, and came home and ate, answered a few emails, and I'm almost manic so I better enjoy it. A guy I'm sponsoring finally admitted defeat, and came into a meeting. That was a beautiful thing to see. He has to get up about 3:30 am to get ready to go to work. So, I still have an email to send concerning the first step. He asked me about step one, just before he went into the AA meeting. I told him "your at step one. Go to the meeting and I'll talk to you later." I gave him a big smile. I'll grab the 12x12 and spend tomorrow going over steps one, two and three. It may take several hours to do this. He has over a 30 days now, and this is good timing. He has reached the point of realizing he cannot do this alone. His HP is already working on him. Tuesday I'll get 400mgs of testosterone in my hip, so I'll be on a more even keel. That's twice the normal maintenance dose. I wonder why it's such a large dose. It's not that I want to start looking like Barry Bonds or anything. I'll have to ask the doc that Tuesday. I mean some body hair is ok, but do I really have to look like Bigfoot?? Pllleeeease....My knuckles drag when I walk...And my, oh, nevermind!

Trust God, Clean house, Help others...

Helping another alcoholic!

My rollercoaster...

For the past 48 hours, my brain has been all over the place. I touched my fourth step awhile Saturday evening, and looked at some of my defects. Two people recently said to me, well, a fourth step isn't just looking at your liabilities, you can see your assets too. Well, I don't see any assets. I went back and read The Fourth Step in the 12x12 again, and I still see no mention of doing anything with assets.
I'm an emotional train wreck. It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake, but I pooped out about 7pm though too. I know a lot of what I am feeling has to do with chemicals and hormones. Seems to me I have been on Zoloft for 15 years, and I'm heading into week three without taking any. I was late on a hormone injection, but I'll get that Tuesday. Thank God! Some may be thinking why I'm not taking the Zoloft. I feel like I'm already on too much antidepressants medication. I want to get to know who I really am, and I want to get the meds down to a minimum. I think those medicines block feelings I need to feel, it order to get "weller." By volunteering at the Club tonight, I hope maybe the activity will do me some good. Sarcasm is rubbing me raw lately. It is just another form of anger. I find myself getting pissed at sick people and their remarks and I don't like it. I feel like grabbing their head and running it into a wall, then on their way down, help them up with a knee lift! Know what I mean? To be an alcoholic sometimes can really suck. Like right now. But I know things will get better as long as I don't drink. My program has to get that simple right now, Just don't drink. I can ill afford to pour gas on a fire. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense, but after writing it I feel a little better. "Keep it simple Billy, and don't drink no matter what." (DR Bob to Bill W.)

Friday, July 14, 2006

I am Root...

That isn't just a Linux saying. Self-centeredness is the ROOT of all our problems. Tonight's Big Book study meeting was great. There were only guys there so we were able to talk about the days of self-centeredness in reference to sex. We don't get to talk much about sex at AA here. It's important. Don't abuse it. It's a gift from God, please treat accordingly!! I had to share the following with a fellow blogger tonight, so I guess I'll just post it:From the movie, "The Sixth Sense." My twisted version:

"I see stupid people, walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't even know they're stupid. I see them everywhere."
By the grace of God go I...

I'm sleepy. G'night all, and thanks for another 24. Ya'll rock! Oh, and thanks for not smoking in here...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Baggage...

How many suit cases do I have? Too many. All of them used to be full. Full of pain, fear, loneliness, guilt, shame, failures, to name a few. The more I share these issues with another, and to God, the more is emptied out of each bag. They are heavy, too heavy to carry. I have to do another 4th and 5th Step yet, so hopefully I can at least empty most of the baggage. Some, if not all, I am able to give to God, or ask HIM to take it. Sometimes he takes away my troubles, sometimes I grab them back away from him. For it is my past that drives me so much. These are the goofy thoughts that produce goofy thinking that produces goofy behavior. I have fear today, but not a constant fear like the past. It's right there under the surface. It's like a balloon that I have blown up, now I let the air out slowly. Maybe someday my balloon will become flat, or maybe it will just pop. Either way, I have to ask God to remove these things.
I am still a baby in this program. If I had all the answers, I could save a drowning nation, and get rich selling a book about it. The only answer I have is to keep the plug in the jug and write, read, go to meetings, and use my sponsor. I was going to ask him the other day if any of the people he sponsors, ever calls him in the middle of the night. I forgot. I am curious though. I have had the urge to call several times a while back, but was afraid to. I managed to stay sober. I was having powerful cravings just to say fuck it and get drunk. That's when I would sit up, take notice and think things through. Look at what would be the consequences of drinking? All of my misery, fully refunded...Don't even want to go there. A fellow said yesterday he would come over and fix my alcoholic car. Still waiting. I guess God will get it fixed one way or another. My pride tells me not to bother people for rides to AA meetings. AH! God doesn't want my car fixed yet! That's it! HE wants me to ASK FOR HELP to get to meetings! See? I just had that thought! I love my God, but sometimes he can be a royal pain in the...nevermind. Ok, right now, I'm getting a phone number and calling for rides covering Tuesday and Thursday nights. Maybe Sunday evening too...Unlike you folks in the Big Cities in Blogland, this town isn't very big. We don't have meetings 24/7. If I had a big enough place like I did in another town I lived in, I would just open the doors 24/7 for alcoholics. I always had coffee on. Two pots!! But I had to stop that. The wet one started showing up and causing harm to myself and others....A lesson learned. What is it with alcoholics and this coffee fetish anyway? I drink this crap all day and bitch about..."I can't sleep"...Homer says, "D'oh!"

HHNT!

HAPPY HALF-NEKKID THURSDAY EVERYBODY! I'll write more later. But it's all good!!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Meeting topic...

I always seem to say that, "Great meeting tonight!" "Great hugs!" I am coming to believe it. The topic was about Step Three stuff, willpower, unmanageability and letting go. This meeting was for me. That's how I see it today. I'm not good at running my life. I am finding by letting go and letting God assist me, while praying for the knowlege of HIS will for me, I feel some peace. I am feeling it more each passing day. Today, I feel sane. We will see what tomorrow brings!! Now get out your pen, and work these 12 principles! They are the car keys to my life.

Weary, wicked Wednesday...

Pooped. Draggin' my ass dawg tired. I'm tired, tired, tired. Maybe an hour of sleep last night if that. I tried to take one of my favorites this afternoon, a NAP. Just as I was dozing off, the "letter carrier" pounded on the door with a package. I was very polite to him, and after I wished him a wonderful afternoon, I closed the door and quietly whispered every bad word I could come up with. Probably a ton of verbosity. Is that a word? Close enough of a word for me. I was only an English minor in college before dropping out. One of my boys from Pink Floyd died, yesterday I think. He was only 60. My favorite album(yes, in the days of vinyl)was "Dark Side of the Moon." I loved the songs, "Time" and "Money." Magic mushrooms and Blue Meanies. I ate a lot of mushrooms, but the Blue Meanie, once. They were rare. I can remember my field of vision while on Blue Meanies. It was as if peering through a camera view finder to take a picture. Everything was very small. Didn't drink much back then. Alcohol and acid didn't mix well with me. I could never remember where I put my beer, or bottle of Pink Chablis, or Annie Green Springs...Boones Farm. Those pop wines. Anyway back to seeing things really small on Blue Meanies. I came up with a new line with my friends when we were setting out for an evening to party, which usually meant two days solid back then. I'd say, "Let's go get really small!!" " I mean really, really small!!"
I'm going to an AA meeting at 6pm tonight. That's a good thing. From the looks of this post, I'm due for one...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Titillating Tuesday...

Better day today. Met with my sponsor as usual every Tuesday. I'm not raging with anger today, I just have it on low-simmer. This anger I'm feeling is a result of my unmet expectations of other people. I expect that when people say they are going to do something, they will do it. Not so true. I recall what my dad said once, rather more than once, "If ya want something done right, do it yourself!" So that's what I will do. I am not much of a mechanic, but I think I can swing fixing a brake. I'll have to get a book, and I already have the last part I need to get back up and running with my alcoholic/junkie car. I pray to finish the job Wednesday. My ego hates being without wheels. My pride stops me from asking for rides. I didn't seem to have a problem asking people to help with fixing it however. What's up with that? Shit I don't know. I know a lot of my crappy attitude is that I'm two weeks off Zoloft without telling my doctor. I haven't called him like I said I would. But since I have so many feelings coming up, my sponsor and I agreed to see how things are in two more weeks without taking it. I also missed my testosterone shot as well. I had to reschedule that for the 18th. I feel good about 48 hours after a 400mg injection of the stuff. It keeps me up for about a month, if you'll pardon the expression. It helps lift my mood. I'll reword that. I have some stuff to read, like the Daily Reflections, and the 12x12. I'll get to one of them this evening. Recovery sure can suck sometime. But when I look at what was going on when I was drinking or shooting dope, WOW. I think I'm in a good space and very lucky to be alive. Sometimes, I wish we didn't have cars at all. I'd be happy with a horse and buggy, or a coach with smoked windows, so nobody can see inside. Oh shit then I'd have to hire a driver. Forget that. I know that down in my heart somewhere I'm grateful to be clean and sober today. It's folks like yourself that help keep me that way. Till midnight...

BM Monday...

Bad Mood. I was pissed-off Monday at people who say they will do stuff, then without saying anything, just drop the ball. When I get very angry, it makes me tired, so I took a nap from 4:30pm to 1:10am. I was so angry I felt like snapping somebodys neck. Something cool about the cracking sound of cervical spine. I'm not angry anymore though. It's good for me to get angry for a change. I won't act out on the desire to twist a human head from the brain stem. I hope I don't get my days and nights mixed up. You all have a peaceful Tuesday.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I am an email junkie...

A recent email to a good friend. I changed it a bit to protect the guy.

Dear Bla Blabla,

In my eyes you have been kind to me. I know and understand your reactions, and thoughts, are part of your alcoholism and addiction. I never have been able sustain anger or resentment for very long. Keep writing. You, as I see, will find good things happening, as it did to me Thursday evening, a discovery in mid-sentence, God drove me to my knees. That's all I can say about that. Often times, while holding the hands of a dying person in the back of the ambulance, last words were about lost relationships, and about never forgiving family and friends, lovers and the like.


I want to die peacefully, with no regrets. It's an ugly way to die. I will continue to take risks in relationships, as I still believe in matrimony, and the steadfast loyalty in giving. This will happen when my HP believes I am ready. I still believe in acceptance of people for who they are, and aspire to be. Without these things and beliefs, I would be spiritually dead. This may not work for anybody else, but it is how it works in me. The big book says we mustn't judge others, but only pray for them. We must avoid instinctual collisions. Those are for the normal person. We as alcoholics cannot afford these things, we have to accept, otherwise our spirit is off balance. Sort of a pg 449 thing I guess. We all have defects in our character. It is not our job to point to the defects in others. We can only pray they keep coming back and do these principles that have been laid before us in the big book of AA. Sheesh! I just wrote a book! I am still off my antidepressants . But I don't feel to bad. I still take two others though. I'm calling Doc Tictacdoe tomorrow and "axe" his opinion. Behave. Why behave? Because it a good thing to do. You are on a beautiful path. Stay on it. Hugs, Alcoholic Brain

Kindness

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
- Leo Buscaglia


Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love...Kindness is good will. Kindness says, "I want you to be happy.
- Randolph Ray


What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
- Jean Jacques Rousseau


Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.
- Emmanuel Swedenborg


Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness.
- Seneca


Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.
- Theodore Isaac Rubin


How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
- George Washington Carver


Kindness is a language which the dumb can speak, the deaf can understand.
- C.N. Bovee


My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.
- The Dalai Lama

Still a junkie...

I'm a JUNKIE!I am still an addict, having to keep my old junkie on the right path. I am thankful, and grateful to those who still believe in me. God tops that list today. You all have a beautiful Sunday. This day, I will meditate on the principles, speak softly and not carry a big stick. I am into it today. That's a good thing...Always remember to NEVER run with scissors!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

The new coin...



This is the new coin that's sold at the, what I reffer to as the local AA club. I am also the webmaster for the club's site.  It's fun and keeps me off the streets.

Noodles...

Well, feeling good today I am. I haven't had a total awakening, like Bill W., but I sure feel better and more focused. It's funny how I fooled myself into thing that all was good with me. Alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful. Sure is! I had to hit an emotional wall and change directions, and I did not do it by myself. I am positive God had a major role in that. I must thank HIM today. To thank HIM everyday would be a good order for me to follow. It's interesting what can happen to people while writing. I do a lot of it, not just here, but on paper too. I will keep doing the writing thing. It's good to do. My plan is to not just be a tea bag alcoholic(only works when in hot water)and look where I'm supposed to. I can have a physical problem, and get medical attention and do what my doc says. My disease of alcoholism doesn't tell me that. It tells me all is hip slick and cool. Thank God for this wake up call. This is Saturday. At Ease!!

Friday, July 07, 2006

The key fit, the door opened a little...

Shall I go in? I have had a night like I can't remember when. Probably back in the late 1970s'.This past year has, well, been boolshit for the most part. I have been a phony, and I don't like it. My life is unmanageable, and I don't like it. I can't work right now and I don't like it. I'm drowning in debt, and I don't like it. I'm single and have no lover, and I don't like it. My car is broken, and I don't like it. The people I live with don't act the way I want them to, and I don't like it. I hate all of it. I have nothing left, and I hate it.This moment tonight, has given me the key.
For the first time ever, I got on my knees and said my own version of the Third Step prayer, without somebody asking me to do that with them. I couldn't find my Big Book, because I haven't read it for months. I must have said the right things. The pain I had in my stomach is no longer. I know I'm out of control, yet, I feel a calm control that is not me. It's hard to explain. My internal being is somewhat relaxed and at ease, and I feel safe and have no fear. I am wary that fear will return, I am willing to be armed when it does. What has happened tonight was real. I did not hallucinate. While praying on my knees, I felt something brush my arm, and there was nothing there. Something good is happening. I did manage to find my 12x12 and I read the Third Step. I will read it again, and again. It's odd. I understood everything in that chapter. I do have a willingness to let all my shit go, and to let God run my life. I will do my best to understand HIS will for me. HE told me a little bit tonight. I hope he gives me the juice to do those things HE wants me to do.
I have this feeling to help others, and I know I must do that constantly.
That is the only thing left for me to do. I just can't do anything else right now. I almost feel like going to the local jail or hospital and ask them if they have an alcoholic I can work on. I must feel like a born again Christian that wants to spread the good news, regardless of how many doors are slammed in his face.  My self-centeredness, go away, be gone, buh bye!Boy, do I have a topic for tomorrows Big Book study meeting. Well, I have been telling people that things are so grand in my life. It is such a great feeling to realize I'm full of it. Garbage in, garbage out. I like this praying stuff. I usually don't sincerely talk about that. But then again, I haven't been very sincere at all much...I still love you guys/gals. You all are still here. Imagine that! What a spiritual kick in the head for me...Maybe I can get weller? I haven't had this much willingness since 1979.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Concerning cracking up...

A good thing has happened, and I don't like it. I noticed it when I was checking spelling and looking for mistakes in my last post. I suddenly felt intense fear; I was frozen in time for a few minutes I didn't know what to do except sit here at my terminal and feel it. I'm running on half-empty, and bullshitting not AA, but not doing the painful job at really looking at myself. I have been standing still doing nothing to surrender to a Higher Power, and I don't know right now what that is other than this keyboard right now. I sat here with tears flowing and telling myself to get a fuckin' grip, but I'm too damn tired to hang on. Wait a second while I get this watery teary stuff off my glasses because I'm blind without them. I just corrected the word blind. I had put two i's in it instead of one. I would think I would not be blind with two i's. I am at Step three right now and this is the real deal. I am too tired to hang onto my pride, which is false, and this stuff about men don't cry has to go. Well, apparently it has left because I'm bawling like a new born calf. I have to stop here. I'll write more later. In 25 minutes, I'll have another 24, I better just hang onto that.

You are safe here...

About the article below, the German story, was disturbing. I noticed it was a 1999 post. I'm curious as to how it panned out. I didn't research it any further. The I asked myself how does this affect me at a local level? It doesn't. If the story is true, well, the paid people who work for AA have to live in their own skin, I don't have to. To me, it's a "let go let God" slogan that works. Bad people are every where, and then there's Karma. Ask the late Kenny Lay, formerly of Enron. God took him fast. God can take any of us in a second. Just one heartbeat away. So I 'spose, make the best of it. The less messes I make the less I have to clean up. I don't know where I am going here. So I guess I violate PROPERTY rights of AA, and write a bit from the Daily Reflections for the 6th of July:

IDENTIFYING FEAR...

"The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear"...From the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 76

When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed, I look for fear. This "evil and corroding thread" is the root of my distress: Fear of failure; fear of others' opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears. I have found a Higher Power who does not want me to live in fear and, as a result, the experience of AA in my life is freedom and joy. I am no longer willing to live with the multitude of character defects that characterized my life while I was drinking. Step Seven is my vehicle to freedom from these defects. I pray for help in identifying the fear underneath the defect, and then I ask God to relieve me of that fear. This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday to you all. I put my HNT pics at Body Shotz. I'm thinking about posting some black and white nudes there. Tasteful ones. No full Monty stuff. A friend said they would take the photos...Thanks for another 24, and God bless you all who visit here, and in meeting rooms worldwide.

An outrage!!

German Court Orders AA Books Destroyed

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The Serenity Prayer...

That was the topic of the meeting tonight. It is a powerful prayer. I say it after my first cup of coffee after waking. Sometimes when I say it, I feel serene, other times I might stumble across something. Sometimes, I don't feel a thing. If I stumble saying it, something is troubling me, and this has now become a valuable utility in looking at the trouble spots. I recall in the third edition of the AA Big Book, specifically page 449. It talks about how acceptance is the answer to all our problems. For me, until I can accept life on it's terms, I will not come to know real peace. Most of the time I am peaceful. But I do have my moments when I'll get excited about people, places and things I have no control over. I have found the way to gain control; give it up. AA gossip was something else I thought about today. In the book it talks about one alcoholic judging another alcoholic, and how odd that is.
That reminds me of the two drunks sitting at the bar, and the one drunk turns to the other and says, "Hey, you better slow down on the drinking! Look at your face! It's all blurry!"
We can't run after serenity. It will be granted by our HP if we ask for it enough. I am grateful for the quiet calm I sometimes feel. Thanks for another 24.

Where have all the flowers gone?...

A study came out of Stanford University, I think 4 or 5 years ago about what women were looking for in love. If memory serves correctly, over a thousand women surveyed were all over 40 years of age. This survey indicated that single women above 40 years of age were not interested in love concerning a long lasting relationship. This study concluded that the interest was in financial security, and that their partner would be somebody they could "get along with." When it came to men in the same age gruop, the survey indicated the want for "more tools." So, you tell me. What's wrong with this? I wanna know!

I still haven't found a car part, so my sponsor is "making me go" to a meeting with HIM. I like that.

A Quote From Apple Computers...

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and
see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?We make tools for these
kinds of people. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world,
are the ones who do.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

They said...

Thomas Alva Edison:
Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.


William James:
The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.


William James:
The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be.


Maya Lin:
To fly, we have to have resistance.


Marcus Aurelius:
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

Sorry, No Vacancy...

Did you hear the one about the old lady that walked into a bar with her pet goose under her arm, and the bartender says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?" She says, "That's a goose young man!" He says, "I was talking to the goose!" I have no room in my head. That's my accurate conclusion. My brain is full of discussion, comments, research, conflict and problem solving, that I don't have enough room to rent to folks who try to lease it from me. No more room at the inn.

Looking at some of my players in my life as an alcoholic, I have discovered a common theme that has been going on since my divorce in 1991. Having been reduced to the basic instincts of the alcoholic malady, I find the drive for the human need for love. By using basic instincts, alcoholics much like myself will consummate a relationship, before the relationship has a chance to be nurtured. The "normal" relationship continuum is that two people meet, and if they like each other, dating is appropriate. Maybe after a few dates, and more time getting to know each other, the relationship might be taken to the next level. The commitment. Then, if things are going well, the decision is made to consummate the relationship, in the ultimate act of love, two flesh becoming one.

My experience has been very different. Most relationships I have had have been done in reverse. First the relationship is consummated. Then, the following morning, introductions are in order. If we decide we like to keep "consummating" we do that. Then we get to know each other, and find we really don't have much in common, and personalities clash, lovemaking turns to oral lovemaking. Like, "Fuck you!" I would venture to bet you have experienced this yourself in your alcoholic/addict life. Don't feel bad, alcoholics and addicts do this all the time. We can do these things drunk, high, even when sober(dry).

It has been good for me to recognize this. This may sound funny, but for those who have read any of Dr Leo Buscaglia's books, will recognize this: I once designed a lecture series on the "Eight Ways To Become a More Loving Human Being." I was once a very dynamic lecturer. That was back in the days of chalkboards. Dry marker boards hadn't been invented yet. I did relationships normal back then.
Having recognized this in myself, I have to go about my business differently. So I will. Currently, I just have my breaks applied.
I prefer the oldfasioned way. Maybe I will meet somebody someday that I will like to be friends with, and do stuff with together. If and when we discover a mutual love for each other then we decide to make a commitment to each other. Then we can screw! LOL...Just kidding.

I still believe in brotherhood of man I still believe in the solid goodness of people. I still believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe. May peace, serenity, and love encompass you. It's best for me to keep my pants on...

Monday, July 03, 2006

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL!


And, be careful with that. You could put an eye out!! Now zip it!!

Toes stepped on...Turning the other cheeks..

I had my toes stepped on by another recovering alcoholic tonight, and I didn't retaliate. That's significant progress for me. I have to remember that we can be sick at times. I care about them, and will keep them in my prayers. I did get a chance to have coffee at the local AA Club, and chat with my sponsor, and, snag some software, that I failed to install. Linux Xandros. So I just finished rebooting my other machine after installing Xandros 2 back on it. I need to see people react like that at times, to remind me that I can get that way if I do not maintain a conscious contact with my HP.

I sincerely hope you all have a great fourth of July! I am going down by the Columbia River here where they have a fireworks show, that is impressive. I like to get so close that when they shot them off, I can feel the concussion rattle my bones. That is such a rush. Laying flat on my back looking straight up at fireworks. More tomorrow. G'night, and God bless.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

The "Number One Offender..."

"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick."

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64

"As I look at myself practicing the Fourth Step, it is easy to gloss over the wrong that I have done, because I can easily see it as a question of "getting even" for the wrong done to me. If I continue relive my old hurt, it is a resentment and resentment bars the sunlight from my soul. If I continue to relive hurts and hates, I will hurt and hate myself. After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the sunlight. I must let go of resentments; I cannot afford them."

Daily Reflections, p. 113

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