Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Bla...

I haven't been feeling well the past several days.  This MRSA seems to be kicking my butt. It makes me feel tired all the time. I have been sleeping a lot. I voted today and went down and cleaned the Alano Club.  I feel good about that.  Saturday, I went to the Birthday Potluck and my sponsor presented me with my one year coin. I hadn't been to a birthday potluck in a long time. I was surprised at the small turn out.   The reason may be, that the monthly thing has yet to find a place to rent on a regular basis for a while. Alcoholics don't like it when things get moved around it seems. The people were nice and the food was great, so I'll be back. I ate this brown stuff with these white things in it that was really good. I don't know what it was. I should have asked. But I'm shy, and that is one of my many defects of character. Physically, I feel terrible, but I'm happy I'm clean and sober. Hope nobody gets tricked today...

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Happy HNT!

Free HNT all you need is a valid email address to subscribe.
Maybe I should be working on that Fourth Step rather than playing on this computer?


Belly button birthday today. I'm still 39, and that's my story and I'm sticking to it!


Actually, I am 53 today. I read in a book some where that "there comes a time to put away childish things." I don't quite know how to define that other than to "grow up." Any Bible scholars here?

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.

From page 132 of the 12 x 12.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Pen 2 paper...

I caught myself today praying out loud while just walking around the house.  While I finally felt whatever it was I felt, I put pen to paper and started my Fourth Step.


My resentment list isn't a mile long.  My flaws are many.  But I have found many assets too.  I am far from finished.  But I have been granted the courage to look in the mirror very deep. I dislike a lot of things about me, but there are a few things I like. I can see that I have been ruled by FEAR. It isn't gone yet either. But I have faith that if I continue to do these things that I have to do, my fear will fade to black. I am grateful for the courage to start this thing. Isn't it odd how we can be powerless over a piece of paper?


I have noticed a pattern with my hormone injections. I get 400mgs a month.  With about a week and a half to go before I have another one, I take an emotional nose dive. I'm waiting for my doc's nurse to call me back about getting shots two weeks apart. Maybe I'll be on a more even keel that way. I could use the patch, but won't. I won't go into how the patch is applied, or where it's applied. Google it if you wanna know. It's gross.


Today I'm grateful for:
My new riend in recovery Meg. Please visit her  here!

  • Having the willingness

  • Believing that a Fourth Step will not kill me

  • My sponsor, who has always been there

  • Shelter, food, wheels

  • The AA meetings here, and the people

  • Monday's Testosterone injection to kick my ass

  • Being able to actually get into and button a pair of my "skinny pants"

  • Responsibility. I am going to vote!

  • My blogger friends who help me more than they might realize

  • The ability to feel fear and face it

  • That a Power Greater than myself has granted me all these things

Monday, October 23, 2006

Maybe...

I am finding myself doing these things daily. Maybe that's a God thing. I don't know or really care, but it seems to be helping me. I stopped rationalizing for the most part I think...


"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful & ask for the right thought or action."
Alcoholics Anonymous p.87

Saturday, October 21, 2006

As I was saying...

I tend to put unrealistic expectations on myself, then of course they are never met, then that gives me permission to hang from my cross saying, "why me lord?"


I heard some good things at the meeting last night. It's a Big Book study on Friday nights. It's nice to get into the book and discuss what was read. I have a strong desire to seek a higher power, and if that means using the group on the way, that's alright. I'm taking this piecemeal, as I can only chew so much. I know now that if I try to take too big of a bite, I'll choke.


I'm feeling grateful today for AA and the people that go there. They know me there. I can be myself and that's ok today.


Nothing Grows in the Dark from page 303 of The Daily Reflections:


"We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and grow."

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

My topic...

I went to an AA meeting tonight and during the second moment of silence(anybody have a topic?) a gentleman across the room says, "I wanna talk about Step Three."  I felt as if I had been set-up! This was just the meeting the doc ordered for me. Funny how that works huh? I heard a lot of stuff I needed to hear. I shared some things I needed to share. It's so cool to be reminded that sometimes Step Three is an ongoing thing.  It may take a while to sink in. I need to lighten up on me. I actually said that my face hurt, because it had been a while since I had laughed. The funny thing is, I'm usually the one making people laugh. Blogger is acting strange, so I will publish this. I feel much better about things today. You are never alone with AA.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My way sucks...Starting over.

My way of running my life sucks big time. It does not work.  My disease is alive and well.   I have been powerless over a piece of paper called a Fourth Step.  I am a broken man. Alcoholism/addiction is so very cunning, baffling and powerful. My disease is preventing ME from doing a Step Four. I met with my sponsor today for over two hours. I am trying to handle my problems with self will and I have fallen flat on my face. This past year has been a sad attempt to achieve Step Three. My disease while sober has made my life miserable, because I'm still trying to run my life with part-time trusting in a Higher Power to run it for me. Or, me not asking for help and guidance on how to recover right.  I have probably hurt about everybody I have come into contact with this past year too, as I try to arrange the stage and it's players as I see fit. It's futile. Right now I don't know much about God. I know there is a power greater than myself, but I am stopping short of calling my Higher Power God. I don't know why. Discussing this with my sponsor, I realized I have faith in AA. So, for today, I will use the group as my higher power. It says in the 12x12 that Step Three is practiced. Then the chapter closes with The Serenity Prayer. Since it seems that about everything I touch turns to shit, I have to turn my life over to a power that can run it NOT using my will for ME.


I will call AA my higher power. I have faith in AA. Maybe someday, I will be able to talk to God, and mean it sincerely. I realized today that my life for a while has been phony and I don't like that. Again I am at the "bring the body and the mind will follow." I just want my brain to do the will of my Higher Power. That's the only way I will get weller. I may have to take this Step piecemeal...I am willing to do this.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Trying a new Operating System...

Just installed this today.


A Linux Operating System called Ubuntu v6.06. Ubuntu is an African word meaning "Humanity to others" or "I am what I am because of who we are." How cool is that?
Anyway, this Linux distro is supposed to be the best Linux ever. So far, I really like it.


I am grateful I have the chance to learn these new things...

I have to believe in Miracles...



I thought this picture be fitting tonight!

WTF?

I have been in a strange mood the past few days. I can't really explain it. Physically I have been dealing with a health issue on and off for almost two years it seems. Not many have heard about it, but it's gross. I heard and read about it being the new "Super Bug." It is a staph infection that is resistant to the usual antibiotics. I was told last summer that I was finally free of it, now it is back again. My dermatologist called today and said I have a newer form that is resistant to antibiotics I have taken in the past. For a week I have been using an antibiotic cream on my skin in two spots and I have to use a q-tip and place some in my nose two times a day! Gross huh? Shiat!! One of the spots is right on my beltline, making it hard to wear pants! Kinda like when I was drinking! I didn't keep my pants on much then either! Maybe I'm having dysphoric recall. Not my drug of choice to shove up my nose, this cream. I had some trouble with a roommate a while back and had to evict them. I had good reason. Now I have just one roommate. He was going to meetings and blogging, but I don't see him going to meetings or working a program. Or blogging. This worries me. I care about him a lot. I also pissed-off a lady in recovery a lot recently too. My disease is telling me I can't do much right. If I lose a roommate, I have to find another one, so I have fear going on too.

So, I am trudging along. Sometimes it's one step forward then three steps back. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Back to step three for me. I have been trying to run the show.

I have to get back to making a list of 50 things I have control over. Leaving out what time the cat eats...

I have a strong case of the fuck-its, but no desire or thought of drinking. That's just not like me! That's a good thing...Glad I see my sponsor tomorrow.


The Step Three Prayer from page 63 of the AA Big Book:

Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Sunday, October 15, 2006

New digs...

Hey, take a second to visit Sober Ckick's new domain! Visit her HERE!

Freedom from bondage







I am grateful today to be free from the bondage of acute alcoholism.


"As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.

"Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

"In short, we chose to "become willing," and no better choice did we ever make."
Page 4, "As Bill See's It."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Any day now...

I meet with my sponsor every Tuesday at 1:30pm, usually for an hour and a half.  We meet at this little Drive Thru place where you can go in and have eats and sodas, coffee etc...We do the double or triple shot esspresso latte thing. I can't remember what they are called. But they are potent. Anyway the first thing I said when I sat down was "At some of these we balked." I was talking about my seemingly inability to finish my Fourth Step. Appears when I get to it, I notice that the lawn needs to be vacuumed. I had to ask for help and examples about what this thing is about, and I got some good answers.  I found a good Fourth Step guide on the internet.  My printer is down for the count, so he is going to print it out for me. I hope to have the thing Wednesday. I already had about 70 plus pages of confusion completed, but it just isn't fearless and thorough enough. I concluded I was one on those that need step by step instruction on how to properly do that step. I'm glad I had the balls to ask for help. Many of us skip this step. I know me, and if I don't do these things, I will eventually drink again. My disease will back up and tow me right off. After much study and experience, I have concluded that I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. Without these Steps to bring about a spiritual awakening, alcoholism will kick my ass. It would only be a matter of time...


Today I am grateful for:

  • Having the obsession of alcohol removed

  • Having the willingness to change

  • Having the courage to ask for help

  • An awesome sponsor who knows me better than me

  • My meetings and friends in the fellowship of AA

  • Hangin' with the sober boyz at the Club

  • My awesome and loving family

  • The ability to pray

  • The ability to have faith and hope

  • That I have a place to live, food to eat, and wheels

  • The ability to think things through

  • To all my blogger friends in recovery that help me so much!

  • To be able to see, hear, smell and touch

  • The ability to love

  • The ability to place principles before personalities


Have a sober Wednesday!! AB loves you!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Have fun sober!

A friend emailed this to me today. It's really funny. Some great songs. Visit: Party Sober

I had a mellow weekend. A nice lady invited me to a party that was put on by a local AA group and of course I ate too much. We played Pictionary.  We played another game too, that involved a DVD player and we got into four groups, and answered questions from the TV. I can't recall the name of the game but it was fun. It's nice to have fun in recovery. AA is a fellowship of freedom!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Service

One Year AA coin!The local Alano Club stays open till 10pm every night except Sunday(9pm). I go in twice a week and clean the place. I do this when the place is closed. Tonight I went in about 10:30pm. I spent a lot of time screwing around watching TV, taking my time. Then I happened to look on the calendar to see who was opening the Club in the morning. ME! It's almost 1:10am, and I have to be pouring coffee there at 10:00am. I like the Alano Club. I feel like I belong there. The place is full of outright mental defectives. You know, people just like me!
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for not smoking...Good night.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Celebrate recovery...

Some of you know that I got sober in 1979. Then in 1990 I walked away from the tables of AA, and by 1991, I was drunk again.  It wasn't until I looked at a blog today that had a card there mentioning my sober birthday, did I come to realize.  At that blog, I was listening to a song that I really like, that I came to realize.  I came to realize that milestones in recovery should be celebrated.   Recovery should be celebrated. I had become consumed by self-centeredness due to my failure in 1991. I never celebrated AA birthdays since. How self-consumed is that? I have been so wrapped-up in self, that I could not see what a gift recovery is! Imagine being so into self, that all you get are gifts without celebration! Holy shit. Today, I'm going to go by myself a one year coin. Maybe someday, I can give it to somebody in celebration.

Today I will celebrate recovery...Today, I won't give up on AA.


The music video below reminds me of AA...I pray that I never give up on it again.  Thanks Gwen. See Gewn's page  here Thanks to all who left comments!! Hugs.

Don't Give Up






In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail


No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
Ive changed my face, Ive changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose


Dont give up
cos you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not beaten yet
Dont give up
I know you can make it good


Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn


Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground


Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up
We dont need much of anything
Dont give up
cause somewhere theres a place
Where we belong


Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Dont give up
Please dont give up


got to walk out of here
I cant take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That rivers flowing
That rivers flowing


Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs


Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Father Martins "Chalk Talk."

Chalk Talk on Alcoholism

Get some coffee, an ash tray if you freebase nicotine, and spend an hour and twenty minutes listening to this guy. It's an mp3 file...Click download, turn up yer speakers. Might wanna put your feet up with your fuzzy slippers on...

Monday, October 02, 2006

Till Wednesday...

Seems my sponsor asked me a couple of months ago how much clean time I had (this time again) and I really had to think. A year ago last August first, I went on a three day binge of meth shooting and stopped. But I drank a few times after that. I knew it was two days prior to signing the lease for this apartment. So it looks like a year off alcohol this Wednesday, October 4th. I don't like to future trip any more about that though. I was just thinking of an old story that Father Joseph Martin shared once. He was on a radio talk show up in Alaska about 11:30pm. The topic was alcohol abuse and alcoholism. He tells the story of a young man that called in. The guy says that he usually drinks a six pack of beer after work every day, and on the weekends he says he does a little heavy drinking. Usually more than a case of beer over the weekend. The young man said he has been commended for his job, has a wonderful wife, etc...The man went on for about ten minutes talking about all the good things. Then this guy asks the magic question, "Do you think I am, or could become an alcoholic?"

Martin's response was good. He said "Son, I don't even know you. I wouldn't know you if I fell on you. But I do know this. I like string beans. I eat a lot of them. But I don't call radio stations at 11:30 at night and ask a total stranger if I might have a problem with 'em."


I am grateful for:

  • A HP who loves me

  • AA for giving me tools to live by

  • Being granted the willingness to try

  • Having places to go to hang with other sober drunks

  • Wheels that get me, and others to meetings

  • A roof over my head, food and clothing

  • Finally getting the idea about living one day at a time

  • Being able to say, "I don't know."

  • My 85 year old dad calling and saying "hang in there."

  • A lady who doesn't put me down for crying

  • Giving and getting hugs

  • A sponsor who's cool

  • Quiet time

  • Fall colors, and the ability to see, hear and feel

  • Peace everybody...

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Into action when stuck...

As bloggers do you ever feel like you can't come up with anything to blog about? I think well shiat am I runnin' out of pearls of wisdom? I don't have a clue. One thing did hit me today. After I got home from cleaning the Alano Club, I jump into the shower. I head to my closet to find something to wear to the AA meeting tonight. I started to get a little pissed when I couldn't make up my mind about what to wear.

I can drive 15 minutes from where I live and find people who only have the clothes they are wearing. That's all they have. Here I am getting pissed in a walkin closet! What a stroke of gratitude! Thank God for the ability to see the little things today that humble me. Another 24 hours...

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