My way sucks...Starting over.
My way of running my life sucks big time. It does not work. My disease is alive and well. I have been powerless over a piece of paper called a Fourth Step. I am a broken man. Alcoholism/addiction is so very cunning, baffling and powerful. My disease is preventing ME from doing a Step Four. I met with my sponsor today for over two hours. I am trying to handle my problems with self will and I have fallen flat on my face. This past year has been a sad attempt to achieve Step Three. My disease while sober has made my life miserable, because I'm still trying to run my life with part-time trusting in a Higher Power to run it for me. Or, me not asking for help and guidance on how to recover right. I have probably hurt about everybody I have come into contact with this past year too, as I try to arrange the stage and it's players as I see fit. It's futile. Right now I don't know much about God. I know there is a power greater than myself, but I am stopping short of calling my Higher Power God. I don't know why. Discussing this with my sponsor, I realized I have faith in AA. So, for today, I will use the group as my higher power. It says in the 12x12 that Step Three is practiced. Then the chapter closes with The Serenity Prayer. Since it seems that about everything I touch turns to shit, I have to turn my life over to a power that can run it NOT using my will for ME.
I will call AA my higher power. I have faith in AA. Maybe someday, I will be able to talk to God, and mean it sincerely. I realized today that my life for a while has been phony and I don't like that. Again I am at the "bring the body and the mind will follow." I just want my brain to do the will of my Higher Power. That's the only way I will get weller. I may have to take this Step piecemeal...I am willing to do this.
I will call AA my higher power. I have faith in AA. Maybe someday, I will be able to talk to God, and mean it sincerely. I realized today that my life for a while has been phony and I don't like that. Again I am at the "bring the body and the mind will follow." I just want my brain to do the will of my Higher Power. That's the only way I will get weller. I may have to take this Step piecemeal...I am willing to do this.
posted by Alcoholic Brain | 4:59 PM
15 Comments:
I forgot to throw in parts of Step One and Two...
Sometimes, I hear these words so often that I forget to stop and hear the meaning:
"Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
"Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find Him now!
"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
"Here are the steps we took ..." (and you know the rest!)
It sounds like you've reached a turning point, Brain. And you're not alone. "Progress, not perfection" -- keep making that progress!
Don't be tough on yourself and just maybe put down the stick..My way never worked so I am trying the higher power route and it seems to be working now. It sure took awhile.
Step 3 is NEVER finished.
But it must be completed before moving on.
Step three keeps taking on new meaning for me as long I keep being honest, open minded and willing.
It fine if you higher power is the group right now. It is willingness that opens the door.
Progress, not perfection. Amen to that.
I remember having the "4th step flu" or anyway, that's what it felt like. Speaking from my experience, don't overanalyze it, just pick up the pen and start writing.
being where you are bro....somedays is God, somedays is HP and somedays is the group......its all the same for me bro, the only difference is the terminology...whatever I feel comfortable with at the time is a good way to put it....I constantly have to remind myself that there is a God no matter what I think or feel....I don't rely on thinking or my feelings....(old tapes)....
Don't be so hard on yourself Brain... God knows we did that enough when drinking... It took a toll on us... Don't let it take a toll on you now, you've come too far; trust me cause I know you and if you don't take an honest look at how hard you're making this out to be, I fear the worst... Love Tweety
I hope you get some serenity soon...
When I wasn't ready for "God" I threw in another "o" and and my higher power was "Good". Because it was clear that I was surrounded by good people and good things were happening in my life. When I was ready, Good became God...its all the same now............
Brain! Brain!
You're giving the disease waaaaaaay too much credit! And yourself- not enough!
My thought - you have replaced positive thinking with negative thinking. Read through this entry again and see how you "sound."
Page 47 - second paragraph.
Shee-it! You are so right Mark!
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If you want to get better then get out of AA.Check out "rational recovery". AA only has a 5% success rate.The only thing youre doing is being their pawn.Youre being programmed and indoctrinated to believe that you are an alcoholic forever..You are being programmed to believe that you cant do it without AA.Its not true.Youre being lied to by the biggest cult of this century.80% of those who leave AA lose their depression and move on with their lives and never drink again.
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