WTF?

I have been in a strange mood the past few days. I can't really explain it. Physically I have been dealing with a health issue on and off for almost two years it seems. Not many have heard about it, but it's gross. I heard and read about it being the new "Super Bug." It is a staph infection that is resistant to the usual antibiotics. I was told last summer that I was finally free of it, now it is back again. My dermatologist called today and said I have a newer form that is resistant to antibiotics I have taken in the past. For a week I have been using an antibiotic cream on my skin in two spots and I have to use a q-tip and place some in my nose two times a day! Gross huh? Shiat!! One of the spots is right on my beltline, making it hard to wear pants! Kinda like when I was drinking! I didn't keep my pants on much then either! Maybe I'm having dysphoric recall. Not my drug of choice to shove up my nose, this cream. I had some trouble with a roommate a while back and had to evict them. I had good reason. Now I have just one roommate. He was going to meetings and blogging, but I don't see him going to meetings or working a program. Or blogging. This worries me. I care about him a lot. I also pissed-off a lady in recovery a lot recently too. My disease is telling me I can't do much right. If I lose a roommate, I have to find another one, so I have fear going on too.

So, I am trudging along. Sometimes it's one step forward then three steps back. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Back to step three for me. I have been trying to run the show.

I have to get back to making a list of 50 things I have control over. Leaving out what time the cat eats...

I have a strong case of the fuck-its, but no desire or thought of drinking. That's just not like me! That's a good thing...Glad I see my sponsor tomorrow.


The Step Three Prayer from page 63 of the AA Big Book:

Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"