The New Year

I am really slacking as far as keeping this blog up to date. I managed to make it through the holidays without too much damage. The household managed to stay sober. We had a Christmas with a tree, decorations, lights inside the house and out. There were a lot of presents under the tree. My first year sober, I didn't do Christmas. Instead I went to the Alano Club and ate Christmas dinner with other alcoholics. This year, I managed to stop by the Club and say hi to all and celebrate the holiday at home with those I love. By far it was the best holiday since getting clean and sober. Recovery for me isn't easy as I have conflicts going on that I am trying to accept and adjust to. Selfishness, and self-centeredness is not easy for me to overcome. Having to place the needs of others as more important than some of my own isn't easy. As the Big Book of AA says on page 62, "Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

I am in the process of putting the needs of others first, in this situation. This means I have to lean on my Higher Power for help. I will get my needs met if I can stick with absolute reliance on my God.

I believe I read that somewhere...I hope you all had a sober and safe holiday. I wish you all a wonderful new year to come. AB.

Gratitude month...

November is gratitude month. At 4 plus years sober, I'm feeling a very real gratitude at times. I spoke with the lady I live with last night and was in tears telling her how grateful I was to be considered family by her and her daughter. I have a handful of real friends in AA too. Real friends. I didn't have any of those when I was drinking...Well, maybe one or two. They usually wanted something...like sex or money or both. Some just wanted to drink my booze so they wouldn't have to buy it or they were broke...I am truly grateful that LP and SP love me as well as my real friends. Today I am free from the bondage of self. Today I give, instead of take. My God loves me and wants me sober so I can spread His good news.

October 4th, AA Birthday...

I have had little to do with this, but on the 4th of this month I had 4 years without the need to drink. dAAve hit it when he reminded me that I just had to be "willing" to do some of the suggestions that AA has to offer. I have been doing that, and it is working for now, day by day. That's all I have, a day at a time. Year three was rough. My father and sister both passed away, and I miss them. I often have nightmares about my sisters death, as I saw her die. I hope these troublesome things pass. I know they will, as long as I remain willing to work toward staying sober and trusting my Higher Power at all times. I wish things were different at home, but I'm just giving into selfish desires concerning that. I went to two meetings in a row this week. Both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I don't do that often. I enjoyed both meetings. I enjoy any AA meeting I attend. I didn't like AA for a long time. That has changed. For that I am grateful.

I pray you are all doing well. I am much less depressed. AB.

I have been away...

Well dAAve, I am still here. I backed off the blog thing for a while, thinking I was burnt out. The truth is I have been in a deep depression. I was first treated for depression at age 15. It is something that has haunted me my whole life. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I seem to nose dive. What I have learned is that I don't have to drink over it today. But it does have some negative ramifications, like snapping and being a jerk to those I love and care deeply about. I am slow to do Step 10. My Alcoholic Brain still tells me things that are not true. Sometimes it appears I believe it's lies, causing hurt to others...Then they react.

Thanks for the comment dAAve. It might just make me do the things that helped me a lot in recovery and that is posting more often on my blog.

I am still sober and today is another day. It looks like I have an AA birthday next month. If I can do God's will, maybe I will have that birthday.

Summer's here...and summer not...

Still sober, my roommate Lonnie and myself. Fishing season has started and I have been making ready for it. I haven't many fishing buddies. The boat needs a minor adjustment. The proper mounting of my Eagle fishfinder. Probably do that tomorrow. Attended three meetings this week. For the past two months I have been thinking about getting out of the valley and moving to Mexico, but that has been my pattern of thinking for past acute relapse episodes. Like when I moved to Vancouver Island, British Columbia Canada, in 2004. Getting out and camping and fishing really boosts my spiritual self. I hope to do a lot of it this season. I need it.


I think I'll lay low for a while right here. Moving right now would be a bad idea. I still feel terribly lonesome sometimes, but that's ok. It tells me who I am at this point in my recovery. I may get discouraged, but I won't give up before the miracle.

Thanks for visiting and thanks for not smoking while here. Behave yourselves. AB.

Calm assertive...

Sounds like The Dog Whisperer. My roommate and I are still sober, and especially over the past several days, have become more open concerning intimate communication. The common ground we have is a strong love and respect for each other. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am grateful for my roommate and her progress in the God given program of recovery.

I am grateful for many things...

Today...

I am happy everybody is sober in the house today. Still, I haven't started my second fourth step yet. I talked to my sponsor today about the brain following a relapse. I have relapsed many times over the years. A friend recently relapsed and is facing a possible divorce. This person's binges are getting closer together and their cognitive thought process shows increased deficits. It's sad, but at least they are not drinking today. I can relate to all of this, having relapsed so much since the early 90's. Things are never the same, and I will expect changing tides day by day. My roommate and I are getting along well. I think life will be good as long as I don't drink. I'm having episodes of intense loneliness, having lost my dad and only sister this past year. I miss my family. I have found that I'm just not doing the simple things in the program of recovery that makes recovery better. Like meditation and prayer. Gotta start doing more of the simple things to take some of my stress away. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for not smoking while here. AB.

• Grateful for today.