Summer's here...and summer not...

Still sober, my roommate Lonnie and myself. Fishing season has started and I have been making ready for it. I haven't many fishing buddies. The boat needs a minor adjustment. The proper mounting of my Eagle fishfinder. Probably do that tomorrow. Attended three meetings this week. For the past two months I have been thinking about getting out of the valley and moving to Mexico, but that has been my pattern of thinking for past acute relapse episodes. Like when I moved to Vancouver Island, British Columbia Canada, in 2004. Getting out and camping and fishing really boosts my spiritual self. I hope to do a lot of it this season. I need it.


I think I'll lay low for a while right here. Moving right now would be a bad idea. I still feel terribly lonesome sometimes, but that's ok. It tells me who I am at this point in my recovery. I may get discouraged, but I won't give up before the miracle.

Thanks for visiting and thanks for not smoking while here. Behave yourselves. AB.

Calm assertive...

Sounds like The Dog Whisperer. My roommate and I are still sober, and especially over the past several days, have become more open concerning intimate communication. The common ground we have is a strong love and respect for each other. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am grateful for my roommate and her progress in the God given program of recovery.

I am grateful for many things...

Today...

I am happy everybody is sober in the house today. Still, I haven't started my second fourth step yet. I talked to my sponsor today about the brain following a relapse. I have relapsed many times over the years. A friend recently relapsed and is facing a possible divorce. This person's binges are getting closer together and their cognitive thought process shows increased deficits. It's sad, but at least they are not drinking today. I can relate to all of this, having relapsed so much since the early 90's. Things are never the same, and I will expect changing tides day by day. My roommate and I are getting along well. I think life will be good as long as I don't drink. I'm having episodes of intense loneliness, having lost my dad and only sister this past year. I miss my family. I have found that I'm just not doing the simple things in the program of recovery that makes recovery better. Like meditation and prayer. Gotta start doing more of the simple things to take some of my stress away. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for not smoking while here. AB.

• Grateful for today.

Changing roles, renewed Step 4, Family roles...

As I mentioned, my roommate is home from treatment. She is like family to me. Everyone in an alcoholic home play certain roles, like the lost child, caretaker, scapegoat, and the hero. I have found that I have had to change roles. I have always known that though. Alcoholics really don't like change much, so I don't like it, but I know I have to change my role because if I don't then it opens the door to "unwitting sabotage." Family members cannot see the reasons they have to change. However, they must change. This unwitting sabotage causes too many alcoholics to relapse following treatment. The family too often is in denial of the need for family treatment, or even Alanon meetings. The alcoholic, when drinking causes the family to develop roles that make the family appear normal to people outside the family. When the alcoholic gets sober, the family roles are threatened. I am grateful that I knew my role would change at home concerning her. It gives myself and her a better chance of staying sober a day at a time in AA.
I have decided to do another 4Th Step and will begin that very soon. I got after my sponsor last night after the meeting to get on me about working some Steps and holding me more accountable where my recovery is concerned. I have been sober more than three years and have found myself lax in my program. That's not a good thing. Alcohol, nor alcoholism never take any time off. It is there waiting for me to screw up my program.

• I am grateful today for having a place to live. It is starting to feel like a home again.


• I am grateful for my roommate. For some reason her being here makes me want to be a better person.


• I am grateful for my friend/sponsor who is always there for me no matter what.


• I am grateful to have food to eat.


• I am grateful to be in a position to help other alcoholics. I am hooked on alcoholics.


• I am grateful for today. I am much happier.


• I am grateful for our dog Roxy.

Thanks for visiting and all of you please behave yourselves, and thank you for not smoking while here. TeeHee. AB.

It's differen't...

Made a trip to pick up my roommate from a six month treatment center. The drive over the mountain passes were scary as the weather pounded them with snow and rain. She is now trying to decompress from being away. Stepping into the real world can be a bit overwhelming. I am proud of her and she seems to be headed in the right direction. She appears to be making healthier choices in her new recovery. I hope she sticks around and goes to lots of meetings.

If you would like to visit my roommates blog click "Lonnie." Please leave a comment and offer your link if you would like. Thanks. Now about me. I am still sober and I had my last appointment with my therapist yesterday. I will still see the shrink to stay on my psych meds. I plan to do another 4th Step shortly, and would like to start a Joe and Charlie seminar on the journey through the steps. Things are different at home. I am working on accepting some of the changes here. Acceptance is a process and not an event. My ego is sometimes a problem. I will try and smash that. Thanks for visiting...AB

Another death, and other stuff...

My sister passed away about two weeks ago. She had been ill for a long time, but we all thought she had a few years left, so it was bad news. She stopped breathing at home and was taken to the hospital and placed on life support. We met with several doctors and were told that she was not going to pull through so we might consider taking her off of life support. I had decided to be with her when they pulled the plug. The doctor said she could last from 10 minutes to two days. She had end stage lung disease. They also discovered that she had a cirrhotic liver and her abdomen was full of cancer. This was also causing internal bleeding. Right after the life support was removed, I saw the nurse give a massive dose of morphine into her IV. I love nurses. After a few loving words were shared, she passed about an hour and a half later. It wasn't all peaceful and calm at first. My sister is a scrapper and wasn't going down without a fight. She managed to say she loved me and she was also crazy about my roommate that is in treatment. It's been a rough year. But it has been a sober year. I am giving to someone without taking. Without expecting anything in return. As Rocky Balboa once said, "Friends don't owe. Friends do because they wanna do." It feels wonderful just to do things right for a change. I wish I could say I owe it all to AA. AA has, and still is a huge help. For a change I have applied a few things from AA. I had really never done that before. Something has changed within me. I just don't talk about it much. I just want to continue to practice these things in all of my affairs...Hope you all had a good Christmas.

Graduation...A new beginning.

The evening of the 8th I got a call. She will be coming home following graduation from treatment. I will drive over for graduation, then pick her up the next day after she is discharged for the long drive home. I'm happy she is coming home. Nonstop it's about a 5 hour drive one way. I'm glad the gas prices have gone down.

A week and a half ago I fell climbing down off the roof of my garage. I landed on my feet. I stuck the landing pretty well, but before I hit I knew I had hurt my back again. Some of you know since early 2003, I have had 4 back surgeries. This injury is a good one. A friend came over last Friday and I asked him to go get my chainsaw and cut my leg off. He thought I was kidding. Maybe those who have had leg pain due to back injury know what I mean. It's the kind of pain where they give you the really good drugs. They just seem to take a bit of the edge off, to where I'm only grinding my teeth. I have been praying like a mutha. Most of the time I can't sleep because of it hurting. A year ago last August was my last surgery. Maybe I'm due, I don't know. I hope not. Sure is good to be sober though. I don't think I would be a very good drunk having to handle this pain stuff. We have had a few go back out for more research (slips) lately. One person I'm quite fond of and is out there using alcohol/meth. I pray they are lucky enough to get back. I could use a good old fashioned 12 step call...