Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Daytime friends, night time lovers...

My best friend is leaving soon. Moving away. Won't ever be back kinda thing. There are many AA judges here that do not like her, because she has done some unusual things, and has behaved oddly. Imagine that. An alcoholic/addict with mental illness acting that way at times. In her defense, I have to say she does the best she can with what she has to work with. That's all any human can do.
I can recall when I first met this person. Two years ago she came into the AA club where I was volunteering, pouring coffee and working the cash register. I will never forget that smile; it lit up the room. It was as if she had finally come home after a long and tiring journey. Her home is the friendly faces of recovering people in the twelve step program. She has an aura and soul that I admire and love very much. Whatever the reason, I am unable to see her flaws, that so many others see. I am sad today. I will miss this person terribly. I know that is awfully selfish. As of late, I am spending every waking moment with her, hoping that whatever she has in her heart might rub off onto me, even a little bit. She loves me, and I love her, but it is not a mystic type of love. This is the kind of love that lasts forever. She is returning to her family that she loves and misses, and that is a beautiful thing. That is the most important thing in life! I am grateful she has touched my life and helped me to get back on the right path toward God. I wish only happiness for her, regardless of where she is...That's what "gets it" for me. I am happy to be sober today, and to feel these things...Still, sometimes I just like to screw...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

AA isolates...

Set up a home network and you'll share your high-speed Internet connection with every computer in your home at no additional monthly charge."

I saw this ad on a web site, and it just hit me in the head, as if my head can take more hits, eh?

What I have noticed since being back around the tables of AA again, I note some remarkable differences. When I first attended AA in the late 70's and all of the 80's, there was a lot of "fellowshiping." That was after a meeting there would be somebody announcing that we are all going to "bla bla" for coffee and munchies!! I loved that! We spoke of recovery! It kept me sober, and it was fun, and I met and came to love a great many people. Back then, a person with even less than 30 days clean and sober would be asked to chair the meeting!! Cool! The newcomer would feel needed and had something to feel good about...We all need a sense of "belonging" to something. My recent spree in August may have my vision a bit skewed, but I am being as objective as I can be at this point. I don't go to a lot of different groups, so there may well be "fellowshiping." The meetings I attend however, "fellowshiping" is absent. The same people chair the same meetings over and over, for the last 4 years I can say with accuracy. It's boring and mundane. Maybe I can work to change that. I see it as a reflection of my own tendency toward isolation. All "AAs'" would agree that the newcomer at a meeting is the most important person there. For those who have been around a while. So, with this in mind, I am going to set out to bring about a change to make the newcomer feel worthwhile and important, and that they belong!! We all have to come to believe in something. My isolation has to stop. The isolation in AA has to stop, or we kill people. As I read the internet ad above, the isolation that can, and does happen even in a "home" seems to permeate our society. Even the society of AA.
Lordy! I feel better after getting that off of my chest! I have a concave chest too...!!

Meth Scan...

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Somebody recently emailed me and said that brain damage can occur with just two doses of Meth. I have searched the internet for the past hour and a half, and cannot find any data suggesting that. But I can say with certainty, that I just don't feel the same as I did prior to using meth. There may be a hint of truth to that email. Abstinence from Meth use can clear some brain damage, but some damage may be permanent...I hate Methamphetamine...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Mind racing...

I spent most of the day today at the local AA club, where I did the schmooze with other alcoholics and drug addicts. I also met with my sponsor. He suggested that I go to meetings daily for a while. No, I know my sponsor, and when he says "a while" he really means five years minimum. I had some difficulty talking with my sponsor today, and when I would start to talk about something, I would get the Microsoft Blue Screen of Death. I would freeze, like a computer that cannot keep up with all the running processes, so it crashes. My brain is on overload, and I know my sponsor only has an hour to spare so I try to say too much within that time element. My mind hasn't been the same since I did the meth the first week of August.

I have no business being in a relationship this early on. In my opinion, all addicts and or alcoholics are codependant. It seems that we need others to create how we are going to feel, and that is not healthy. We become reactors, rather than actors. So, I am not in an emeshment of emotions. I have tried it in the past, and it has always ended in disaster, no matter how well meaning my intentions are. Basically I am a broken person. Due to my newness in recovery again, I just do not have much to bring to the table concerning women and romance. Maybe someday. The healthier I can be, the healthier people I will attract, rather than people that are as sick or sicker than I am...Ok, another day clean and sober. A little 24 hour bracket.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Brain Damage...

I read my last post, and I was a tad crude, but that was the reality of it all. I haven't felt the same since. I have stayed clean and sober, but my depression has become nearly unbearable. Thoughts of suicide come and go...These ideas can really ruin what would otherwise a better day it seems. I am beginning to believe that I have brain damage from meth. I am afraid to tell my therapist or doctor, for fear that they might put me in a Posey Jacket, and send me to a hospital to rest my nerves. Maybe I need to go to Trembling Hills Hospital for The Terminally Nervous.
At this stage, I am thinking maybe I should attend NA as well as AA. That combination worked well in the past. I was happy in the 80"s. Probably because I was sober and clean that decade...Married to a dreamboat, had a house on the hill with a two-car garage, with two new cars to put in it. I had money and was not in debt. I am so broke now I cannot afford to pay attention, but that's ok. My only goal is to not use drugs or alcohol. I will attend a meeting Friday, and I plan to ask a lady friend to take me to church with her on Sunday...I need to sing I think...

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