Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Remember to breathe...

Going to class-like training is wild. A ton of information tossed at everybody in a very short time, just to cram for a state registration examination. When I hit rush hour traffic today after class, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. My cell phone rang during class too. Somebodies computer was on the blink. My classmates gave me a dirty look, as well as the instructor...As I hit the bridge, the traffic was bumper to bumper and I thought "if everybody would just drove like me we would have world peace." Then I finally got home. I asked for a hug, and said this:

"God,
Grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thank God for hugs and prayers. There, I feel better now.

Oh yeah, don't forget to breathe...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Love runs deep...

Since last February I have been head over heels in love. She is my room mate, best friend and lover. Today I still have the spark that I felt ever since I first saw her. I cannot imagine life without her at all. She is my family now. Maybe not in the legal sense. She has said yes to marriage several times to me. Maybe someday we will do that. She will be leaving soon on an adventure of 45 days or so, on the other side of the state. I will miss her dearly, and deeply. I have never felt such a deep and powerful love like this for anyone in my whole life. I know I will love her forever. This is something that if I still lived in the world of "it's all about me,"would not be possible at all. The bondage of self has been lifted.

I thank God that he/she has brought us together.

On October 26th, tomorrow, I turn 54 years old. It's way past time for me to put away selfish childish things and devote myself fully to another human being, for better or for worse.

I don't mean to get all mushy and pathetically romantic here, but it's what I'm feeling right now.

And that's not so bad.

I'm a real alcoholic my name is AB. I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink today, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Spayed!! But sober!

This is our dog. She was spayed Wednesday. The vet wouldn't give her any pain meds to take home. I don't quite understand that. She hurts! This pic was taken last Wed. She is a Miniature Pinscher. This one is a sweetie, but can be a naughty little bitch. That's why we love her I guess...

I am grateful to be sober today to enjoy things such as these. Miracles!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Why do I do that?...

I am the guy who introduces himself as a "real alcoholic" at AA meetings. Some here in Jerkwater USA, are not happy with that. "Real alcoholic" is from chapter 3 pg., 31:2, of the AA Big Book. I tried every form of self-deception and experimentation in vain attempts to drink like a gentleman. I never could. Then I read "real alcoholics" on that page and I said, "man, that's me." I am indeed a real alcoholic.

Seeing that and saying that is a constant reminder to ME. I don't say it to appear better than any other person. I don't say it for anyone else. I have to say it or I may forget it, and the result for me is death.

If how I introduce myself in an AA meeting is bothersome to some people, it isn't my problem. If they want to take my inventory, it's not my problem. Love and tolerance is our code, and for those who point fingers at the flaws of other alcoholics, need to look in the mirror and ask themselves why they react that way, then make note of it. They may discover a pattern of doing that. It's not helpful. Thank you and I wish you many 24 hours of happy recovery. I wasn't going to respond to that...I wonder why I did...

Again...

I want you take a small risk when you come here. I want you to think and feel when you read my blog. I want you to be provoked sometimes. I want you to disagree with me. I want you to learn something about yourself and the way you feel about yourself -- that is more important than what you absorb about me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The only requirement...

As a real alcoholic, I know what is necessary for people like me who have a desire to quit drinking. A spiritual experience. That is the only thing that will get real alcoholics of the hopeless variety sober. I was one of those. I haven't had that sudden spiritual experience, (only once in 1978) but I feel that I am growing toward my God daily, and doing life the right way. I have a patience and tolerance I haven't had for the last 15 years or so. I have found that love is the father of my growing patience and tolerance. I just love alcoholics like me, whether they are sober, or are drinking with a desire to quit it. I have been there. I have cried rivers of tears because I was drinking when I didn't want to drink. But I would drink anyway. My body needed alcohol to function, and my brain needed it to think. There were countless times, like the last 13 years, that I had no control when it came to booze. Today, I will talk to any drunk. If they ask for help, or just want to talk, I will offer that. All alcoholics, sober or not need to know that they are still loved. From whatever source, I just know that someday, an alcoholic that drank like me can recover. I would say that source is God, or a Higher Power.

I feel that if I distance myself from these types of alcoholics, I place a resistor between my self my the God of my understanding. Do I think of self preservation? All the time. I just don't pick up a drink. I saw recently someone try to prevent someone from drinking. They wanted all the alcohol out of a house where an alcoholic was drinking. They were going to buy more alcohol anyway. We sometimes forget that probably no human power could relieve anyones real alcoholism. If I can just show any real alcoholic that I love and care about them whether they are sober or not, maybe they would like to learn to love unconditionally also. I believe it would just be a better world. It would also lower our collective blood pressure. With that, maybe we will love, and live longer.

If you love an alcoholic, keep it up. Be consistent, honest and dependable. Be there. Be a part of a possible miracle if you can. AA is a program of helping. Meetings are good. But it's more important what we do in our giving before and after meetings that's most important. Practice these principles in all our affairs. If it were not for people who stopped by to visit and show me that they still cared even when I was drinking, I know I would be dead. I am only a messenger, don't shoot me...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Despite it all...

In spite of myself, and too many half measures, I had a two year AA birthday on October 4th. This hasn't been easy, however, it has been rewarding. I will be attending training to become a counselor again. It's a short training program to get registered and licensed by the state. I think goals in recovery are a good idea. Becoming a productive member of society is a great thing to strive for. It's all just a one day at a time thing anyway. So, maybe I'll just enjoy the trip, keeping the destination in mind while on my way. The neat thing is I'm not alone on this journey. You all behave yourselves, and do what's right.

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