Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Friday, June 30, 2006

No mental defense...

We studied the chapter "There is a Solution" at the BB study tonight. It was a blessing for me to chair it. The basic text if AA does not waste any words. The part about being the sort of alcoholic that has no mental defense against the first drink, stuck out as usual. That's the type of drunk I was/am. Anybody who says,"I drank alcohol when I didn't want to,"  just might fit into this mold. There were plenty of times I drank when I didn't want to. I had to drink, because I couldn't. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. There was a time I had to drink in order to feel normal. I had to drink in order to function. It wasn't my lifelong ambition to work towards having to drink in the morning to calm the shakes. But as a binge spree type drinker, that's how it was. There was a time when I only drank alcohol when I was awake. I would pass out, only to come to, and drink before sitting up. Friends would say, "dude, you're gonna die if you drink like that and don't eat." I would say, Yeah, I know, but when?" I have made several trips to detox units in my wino days. I knew most all the detox units in the state. I ended up at most of them. I knew which ones were the best to go to. Like the detox units that had good drugs to help for withdrawal, and great food, all one can eat. Stay in one for three days then start to feel good, get discharged, and do it all over again. Pure insanity. I have been to intensive inpatient treatment three times, one being a 90 day spin dry.

I have found a solution in the principles of this simple AA program. I try to live the steps and traditions. I know that I am different than the norm. Nothing wrong with that. My thinking is screwy at times, but that's ok. It's that way for normies too. I have a program and friends today that keep me centered, along with my Higher Power. I feel so much better after meetings. Especially when I listen. I need those people. They are me. They think and feel like me. The more I see them, the more I come to know me. I'm a pretty good guy I think, even if I still have a beer gut. God bless, and you all have a great weekend. I am off to surf the WWW! When do I get to call myself an ex-problem drinker? LOL

Implementing my sponsor...

It seems so hot here, I could fry an egg on my alcoholic car. Like myself, my car is broken, and being fixed. Brakes are a good idea to have on a car. Sort of applying my brakes in addiction. That was a beautiful thing. Now, to avoid any half measures, I have called upon my sponsor for a ride to the BB study meeting tonight. I appear to be one of these tough guys, and give off this aura that I can do this myself. Through trial and many errors, I have come to believe that having a sponsor is a must for people like me. My brain is like a bad neighborhood; I should never venture there alone. Sponsorship vital. Working with him keeps me sober too. So with that in mind, it's back to work, and then I'll make myself pretty for the meeting! More blogging tonight God willing! I am!

Interesting...I just did "spell check" and the replacement word for "blogging" was "flogging." Hmmmmm...Maybe that's what I need!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Crazy day...

So what did I do but get involved with downloading a newer version of Linux, and go to the hospital to visit my dad, then lit into a guy I'm sponsoring. I seemed to do everything I am not supposed to do today. I do know, that I have felt very tired most of the day, and I don't think well when I'm tired. I suppose the things I did right today was visit my father, and didn't drink. My dad said today that he was afraid about his surgery. I know that I could sense that yesterday, and I ran all day on fumes. Today I am feeling it. Here I am making excuses for missing a meeting. Missing meetings I plan to go to, is not a good thing. I'm down on my bad self today. Back to step 2.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Alcoholic Addict bloggers...

Just a quick note. I have found a network of alcoholic/addict bloggers that give me more inspiration than they know. I want to thank them for their support and emails. My faith has increased a great deal. Today I am full of hope that at a day at a time, we can do this. I say "we" because I know I cannot do this alone. I need you folks in bloggerland. Of course I am grateful for my people here at home as well. I think I would encourage anyone in recovery to get involved in keeping a web log. It's a good way to "get your mind right Luke." Thanks again...I'm off to a meeting the AA way.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

8 Plus hours at the hospital...And family.

I got home a while ago after a long day at the hospital. Usually I grab a water (plain)and check my email. I got one from a friend in recovery, and the email mentioned something about going to go sulk. This concerns me. I whipped an email back, but haven't found a response yet. I care very much for this person, and I pray they are alright. I hope this post gets up. Blogger seems to be very slow tonight. It must have been 105 F. Here today. I spent over 8 hours at the hospital as my dad had his hip surgery today. The operation took two more hours than expected, but all went well. The old artificial hip was shot, and the metal rod that goes up into the femur had a half inch play in it. The surgeon was amazed he had been walking on it. He said my dad is "tougher than nails." I think they removed him from the recovery room a bit fast though. I watched as they rolled him from recovery into his room on the surgical floor. I was able to visit him right away. He was very stoned. Too much so. He stopped breathing, and the nurse yelled at him to breathe, and he did. She knew me from my days when I worked on the ambulance, and she asked me if I could keep an I on him. Only once did I have to yell at him to breathe, and give him a sternum rub. After about an hour of telling him to breathe, he became more alert and started talking. It was rather nerve wracking to have to do that with your own parent. I noticed when he would stop breathing his pulse would jump from 60 to 170 in just a few seconds. Freaky. His heart was running for oxygen. By the time I left he was eating, joking about wanting to party...LOL...My dad. I love him. I'm going to brag here. Something very cool happened just before he was to be hauled to the OR. My aunt suggested we say a prayer. My family has nothing to do with religion. It was an awkward moment. My brother and I have never really gotten along, but the next thing I knew I was holding his hand, my cousin's hand and my aunt led us in prayer. I have that moment in freeze frame. I want to swim in it. I want to hold it. I haven't felt so close to my family since my mother passed away in 1989. My brother and I talked and laughed like normal brothers. We have never done that. My brother is a multi-millionaire, and for twenty years, he felt money was more important than relationships or people. He is growing up and discovering what is really important, and that is love. I could see it in everyone's eyes. I know my father is in a lot of physical pain right now, but his sacrifice may have brought our family together. I pray it will stay this way. My dad, with God's help, will be dancing with his babe in six weeks. Maybe I'll join them all. Back to the hospital in the morning. G'night and God bless you all. Thanks for another 24 hours.

Resistance is futile...

We obey AA's Steps and Traditions because we really want them for ourselves. It is no longer a question of good or evil; we conform because we genuinely want to conform. Such is our process of growth in unity and function. Such is the evidence of God's grace and love, among us. (AA Comes of Age p. 106)

If you are truly an addict or an alcoholic, and you have tried on your own many times to quit and have failed, there is always the option of AA's Twelve Steps, and Traditions. Toward the END, it's either the 12 Steps, or death. It is absolutely critical to grasp this notion! As long as you are breathing, there's still hope. If you are anything like me, there are no half-ass attempts to tackle this simple program. We have to, or we die, if not physically, spiritually and mentally we die.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Maybe this really is utopia, and we do things as alcoholics and addicts to screw it up. I pray you all GET the program of AA. Keep coming back...You just might get it. Oops, gotta stop, the Stones are playing...G'night!

Monday, June 26, 2006

Wow...And Shame vs Trivia

That last post was quite an experience. I'm having my after Linux/Windows thing, cigarette. Nice to relax in the after glow. I talked to my dad today when he got home for lunch from work. He's 85 years old and still works full-time. He is having surgery tomorrow at noon-thirty. He has an artificial hip that needs to be replaced. He's a stud. I don't know how he does it. He dosen't even use Viagra. He is my hero. I made a web site for him once, well it's still on the net. It talks about how he was a WWII hero. I remember when I was younger, my father was a partier. He had his work, and bowling friends and they threw quite the card parties. Of course I would hustle them for drinks. Going from one card player to the next one. "Can I have a sip?" No wonder I don't remember much of my childhood. Probably in a blackout!! He and my mother were married 48 years, until her untimely death in 1989. My father kept a secret with him during all those years. Something he did while fighting Nazis in Europe. He shared that secret with me. Of course to me what he did was no big deal, I'm sure I would have done the same, under the circumstances. But to him, it was a big deal. I'm happy he was able to get it off his chest. This brings me to the shame, trivia thing. We have things about our pasts that we may be deeply ashamed of. But if you share it with another, it just isn't that big of a deal to the listener. Share the things you are ashamed of. It's no big deal. Unless what you have to say could land you in jail. Shame is toxic, you don't need it.

Another fantasy completed!!

Two at a time! Yes! No BS!! The ultimate geek experience! Two operating systems at the same time! I have a mouse in each hand, and running Linux on one machine and Windows on another. I'm having way more fun than any alcoholic/addict should be having! Somebody stop me! F1! F1! F1!...What's next? Way too sober today! Have fun in recovery! Kiss kiss!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I miss dancing...

My divorce was final in 1991. But the prior eight years were very happy ones. My wife and I liked to crank up the sound system at home, light candles and slow dance. I really miss that kind of thing. It is very intimate, without saying a word. It's awesome to dance with someone who knows everything there is to know about you. There's no pretending to be something, or somebody else. I could just be me, without fear of being judged or put down in some way. The 1990's were rough on me. I blamed myself for a failed marriage. But I just couldn't live with a practicing cocaine addict anymore. I had to bail to save myself. My grief process was rather morbid however. For years I carried a ton of guilt for divorcing my wife. Thanks to a paid friend, and a lot of work of my own, I was able to turn my guilt into regrets. Since I gave up my guilt, I gave up a rationalization to drink/drug. I let go of an excuse. That's a beautiful thing. I sometimes worry about not being in a similar situation like that again. Where the trust is so great, you have nothing to fear when it comes to a love. It seems to be an ideal not often attained...

When the Stars Go Blue...

Music is good meditation. I enjoy Celtic music like the Corrs.

Where do you go when you're lonely? (press the play button for both videos...I do not have them set to autostart)

Music Video by

Breathless...A Great Flirt Song...

Music Video by

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Sweaty Saturday...

I'm not bragging. It's hot. I usually keep a few windows open to allow air to circulate around the place. But I have had to close them and crank up the AC, and turn on some fans. I was going to the AA monthly potluck birthday meeting thing, but I realized my roommate had borrowed my car to go to work today. I have been home all day. I could have called for a lift to the potluck, but I was being lazy. I am getting used to Xandros, a Linux operating system. It's sexier than Windows I think. Plus, it's nearly crash proof, and ya don't have to restart everytime ya download something. Shit, I didn't even read the Daily Reflections today. I know I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night at the local AA Club. If I can stay sober until then...It's good to think that way, for me. It seems like I can relapse in a split second. If I can think recovery on the short term, I'll be okay for 24 hours. I can't plan ahead too far. I won't see the obstacles in front of me. I'd hate to trip. Remember those Lucky Lager beer caps with the puzzles on the inside? Damn I was smart back then...Sure, and monkeys can fly outta my butt...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Friday Big Book Study...

This horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?" I went to the Big Book study meeting tonight. It was nice to chair a meeting. Was nice to see the regular faces. There was a guy there who found himself at his second meeting. I can't remember if he had a get well card from the judge or not, but he was pretty raw. I saw me. I recognized that crazed look, like the deer in the headlights. He shared some heavy stuff that he may feel responsible for. Anyway I picked the chapter "More About Alcoholism." That chapter is a lot about me, and I don't mind being selfish. It was cool too because there were no women at the meeting. I was able to focus. I have trouble with skirts. It's a guy thing. Testosterone. But I know it is deeper than that. I'm not used to the "single" thing, but I know it is best for me. I enjoy relationships and all those sweet benefits that go with it. Anyway next week, I hope to get officers going for that group and get my butt into service work. I hope to see that new guy too. I pray he comes back. It's Friday night. Almost 11:00pm...Where is SHE?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Weird Head Wednesday...

It began Wednesday morning, around 10:00am. My head began to enlarge, and the hammering started. Light became unbearable. Have you seen the movie "Scanners?" I thought my head would explode. I gobbled some Ibuprofen and hit the sack. Two hours later, no change. I took some more Ibuprofen with Methocarbamol. About 11:00pm, my headache began to subside. I haven't had a migraine for years. They seem to sap me of all my energy, leaving me exhausted. I am glad that it is over with! This is HNT! So, I might do some pictures. The gun graphic I made for my last post, happened in the early '90's. It's odd thinking about the insane things I did while drunk. The thinking that saved my life that day was my family would have to clean up the mess. I had put them through enough, without having to wash my brain off the walls. I am grateful today for being able too make amends to all those close to me. We alcoholics and addicts can take a lot of people out when we are drinking/using. We don't mean to, it's just the nature of the beast. I'll write more later, after my head is full of coffee. You all have a happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I've already been to hell...

My big toe wouldn't fit the trigger thing...

Catching myself...

Several days ago at an AA meeting, I caught myself day dreaming about moving away. I caught myself for the first time. That's the alcoholic brain that was thinking. In the past I have moved far away from home, only to start drinking...In places where people knew nothing of my alcoholic/addict past. I live on the west coast, and once moved to the east coast, so I could drink. Another time, I changed countries. I moved to Canada, and tried social drinking. It's a wonder I never got a DUI in Canada. I recall driving back to the vineyard one night after spending the evening in a pub. I had to cover one eye, just so I could see one center line. I would have been jailed and deported. By injuring my back hauling hay, I believe I got hurt for a reason. I had no medical coverage while living in Canada. I had to come back home to get medical care, and to get sober. What a trip. I know that my attitude is different now that I'm back on testosterone therapy. But that's how quickly my alcoholic brain can turn on me. During a meeting it attacked me. Cunning, baffling, powerful. No doubt. My doc says in September when I go in for some blood work, we will talk about the plan of attack to get me off of antidepressants. I have been on/off them since age 15. I smell good things happening. I think it's odd to be a single codependent to feel this good. Maybe I'll get a tattoo, shove a bone through my nose, or run a stud into my ear...naw, maybe not. Those days are done too. I may just let my hair grow...Read, write, and go to meetings. Buh bye...Hope you all are sober and doin' the steps.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

What does SOBER mean...?

Son Of a Bitch!!  Everythings Real!!!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Promises...

Not often, but when I do feel like running, I read and see these promises working in my life. Running is best done on horseback...


From the Big Book of AA, pages 83 and 84.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

10 Things I Hate About Commandments...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


The ability to "let go" of things that generally bother me seem to be easier these days. I don't know why. In a big city I lived in years ago, I had this hardnosed sponsor that asked me to write a list of 100 things I have control over. He added not to list what time the cat eats. I didn't get very far down the list to grasp that I had little control over anything. That's easy to grasp intellectually, but on a gut level it's another story. Maybe I'm like a fine wine like Night Train Express. I'm getting better with age. Trouble won't trouble me, unless I trouble trouble. Kinda like poking a bee hive with a stick. Almost all day I have worked on computers, and I did meet with my sponsor, as we meet every Tuesday afternoon. It was a good day today. I did some nice things for people, and I get off on that. Thanks God for another 24. You all behave yourselves...LOL

Sunday, June 11, 2006

An article I wrote...

Bear, Finally get's Beer

Saturday, June 10, 2006

HNT and BBQ...

Great BBQ today. Lots of people, good food. What more can a person ask for. I don't think this site is the right venue for HNT, so, I will place a link to my HNT photos very soon. I think the HNT thing is a healthy thing to get into. I've already posted pics to the page Flicker. The title of the page is "Body Shotz." It will be fun. Maybe doing some of these activities will help me with some hangups I have. But I have noticed that big hangups I have had in the past are gone. I think what is helping is the 400mg's of testosterone a month I am on. Since this last November I have been on steroids, with the exception of the month I had back surgery.

Yes, I had a date last night. I don't kiss and tell, so use your imagination. I will say I had a great clean and sober time, with a great woman. Having done Fourth Step inventories in the past, this new one is interesting. I have played many actors in my drinking/drugging career. Once I get all these papers up off of the floor, I may just blog about each actor. Each of them will feature it's own character...No, I'm not suffering from multiple personality disorder. People around me have said I missed my calling and should have been an actor, or in stand-up comedy. My personal point of view, is to get to that mental twist that leads to an acute relapse episode. I do know that as long as I an working a step, I can feel within myself, in my gut, when something with me isn't quite right. That's a beautiful thing. I found a fellow blogger, who I think I can relate to a lot. The things this person writes freaks me out. Sometimes I think wow, been there, done that. I have/had those feelings, desires, dreams and depressions, when I didn't think I was depressed. I thought I wasn't satisfied or something. This person found my blog by mistake. I don't believe it was a mistake. Not even close...Have a great Saturday night. What's a goodlooking person like you doing home on a Saturday night anyway? Y'all have a great Sunday too. I can say y'all. One of my actors once lived in North Carolina...

Friday, June 09, 2006


my nekkid left arm

When I was working on people in the back of an ambulance, HNT meant head, nose and throat.   Today it has new meaning. See the graphic on the left side of this page.   I enjoy photography, so why not get creative.  I think it is a good thing, this HNT stuff.  I get much satisfaction out of being creative.  Even if it's Friday...

Ok, this is a test: Skin, by Brain. Ink by Nasty Natalie, Seattle Tattoo Emporium.  Was Brain drinking, or not drinking when he got this tatt??   I'll answer in a few days...

Why did he quit drinking alcohol you ponder?

Maybe I got tired of waking up with people I didn't know.
Maybe I got tired of waking up in the county jail.
Maybe I got tired of hangovers.
Maybe I got tired of throwing up.
Maybe I got tired of wrecking my truck, my jeep, my car.
Maybe I got tired of spending what money I had in a bar.
Maybe I got tired of running from fears.
Maybe I got tired of numbing myself from a painful past.
Maybe I got tired of running from a painful present.
Maybe I got tired of trying to be somebody I'm not.
Maybe I got tired of feeling alone in a crowd.
Maybe I got tired of hurting people who love me.
Maybe I got tired of getting things pierced.
Maybe I got tired of tattoos.
Maybe I just got tired...

I quit drinking because I had to in order to live. Period. Survival sucks, living is cool. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I still think I am different than others. I have made terrible choices in my life. I have pain, regrets, shame. Only me can repair the wreckage of my past...I'm happy for a way to do just that.


 This is my little work station at home. I notice a red cap on the wall. It doesn't fit well. I'm wondering why I still have it. I usually have a computer torn apart, and doing my thing. Currently running Windows on one machine and Linux on another. Sounds like this loyal alcoholic is "two-timing!"

Food. The Alano Club here is putting on it's annual BBQ and Pot Luck thing this weekend down on the river. I am involved with setting things up and cooking etc...It will be fun. I pray for good weather. I have reached the point where I am charging real money to fix computer problems for people. Alcoholics that are low on funds need not fear however, as I will do free stuff if they are serious about AA. I will not work for sex. Personally, I don't see how people can live without the internet, but there are those who don't. They are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way. I still have books. I think they are just for show. Mostly computer books. I have them in a place where people can see them so when they visit they will think I'm real smart. HA! Oh, I'm taking a friend to the store in a minute so she can pick up fixins' for her homemade chili. Alcoholics and a vat of chili. I'm happy this event will be outside tomorrow...Just for today, I'm not going to drink, no matter what. The program can be simple if we let it. Sometimes I feel that AA's are complicated people trying a simple program. I have to stay stupid if I ever want to recover. I am doomed if I get smart. I pray for myself and my friends in AA/NA that they all stay clean and sober. I may write more later. You all have a great weekend, and behave yourselves!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

They call Mr. Rip...

Van Winkle that is. I took a five hour power nap today and missed it. I hate it when I do that. Oh, I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a little bit!! If I would have been outside I would have sunburnt the roof of my mouth. Anyway, today was great. I was productive and made a little extra dough. I dabble with computer hardware and software on the side. Usually on the left side because I'm right handed. Timothy Leary died May 31st, ten years ago. I did a lot of LSD and this is a time of reflection for me. It's safe to say I was part of the "tune in, turn on, drop out" generation. I am in conflict with acid, and how I feel about it. I think the worst thing about acid is it's not for the psychologically challenged. Things can be a bummer man, if one isn't with the right mind set. Colors blending, asphalt rivers, funny faces, odd animals, great sex. Acid. Open your mind. Acid was legal in the 1960's. Isn't that wild!! Can you imagine going to an AA meeting on Purple Dragon? It would be like, "Whoa dude, your like way too grateful!" I have a million funny stories to share about my dealings with LSD, but not all of them were good. Like, I should have never, ever climbed to the top of that pine tree at Lake Chelan. I can still taste pine needles. I wonder if I will ever get that awful taste out of my mouth. Reminds me of the one and only time I ever drank Gin. Ewell Gibbons, "You ever eat a pine tree?" Something about tumbling through branches of pine to really come to peace with the powerlessness of the situation. I don't believe that I took a thousand hits of acid over the years, but I'll bet the number is not that far off. Sometimes I wonder if my odd thinking is a result of my acid use. Not that I can do anything about that now. It is interesting to wonder about those things from time to time. I think things sometimes I certainly would not say aloud, that's certain. I'm afraid that the white coats would come and put a Posey jacket on me and haul me off to Trembling Hills Hospital For The Terminally Nervous. It's almost 1:30am, so I should lay down and read the first 164 pages of the AA Big Book. That will help with the not being sleep thing. Thank God for this miracle of a clear head today, and this higher power thing I feel right now. You all have a sober weekend!!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The fast lane...

I need to mention that my sponsor got way too sober, fell and broke his wrist. He has had to have surgery and now has more metal in his body. He is now a member of the Collective; The Borg.  I finally got my car out, so that's a weight off my shoulders. I get phobic without wheels. Know what I mean? I am out of my BM I was in last night. My mood improved by the time I went to bed. My rule is never go to bed angry. Oh, wait, I had that rule when I was married. I think it is a pretty good rule to live by anyway. Even being single, it's a good rule to go by. I think I'll keep that one. It's hard for me to sleep anyway when I'm hacked-off. It isn't easy being King Baby!! It's getting to be my nap time. I just love naps don't you? I suppose the plan is to stay sober from when I wake, till I go to sleep. That might work today. Buh bye...

Cheers and W. C. Fields...Great moments...

There is a huge difference between romancing drinking and just laughing at funny stuff.  It's up to the alcoholic to know the difference.

SAM:  What's new, Normie? NORM:  Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer. -- Cheers

SAM:  What'd you like, Normie? NORM:  A reason to live. Give me another beer. -- Cheers

SAM:  What'll you have Normie? NORM:  Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. SAM:  Looks like beer, Norm. NORM:  Call me Mister Lucky. -- Cheers

WOODY:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson? NORM:  The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending. -- Cheers

WOODY:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. NORM:  I know. If she calls, I'm not here. -- Cheers

WOODY:  How's it going, Mr. Peterson? NORM:  Poor. WOODY:  I'm sorry to hear that. NORM:  No, I mean pour. -- Cheers

WOODY:  Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson? NORM:  All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty. -- Cheers

WOODY:  What's going on, Mr. Peterson? NORM:  The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody. -- Cheers

WOODY:  How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? NORM:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room. -- Cheers

WOODY:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? NORM:  The warranty on my liver. -- Cheers

SAM:  What do you say, Norm? NORM:  Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. -- Cheers

COACH:  What would you say to a beer, Normie? NORM:  Daddy wuvs you. -- Cheers

SAM:  What do you know there, Norm? NORM:  How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? -- Cheers

COACH:  Can I draw you a beer, Norm? NORM:  No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. -- Cheers

CLIFF:  Hey, Norm, What's up? NORM:  My blood-alcohol level. -- Cheers

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- W. C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields

I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me. -- W.C. Fields

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