No mental defense...

We studied the chapter "There is a Solution" at the BB study tonight. It was a blessing for me to chair it. The basic text if AA does not waste any words. The part about being the sort of alcoholic that has no mental defense against the first drink, stuck out as usual. That's the type of drunk I was/am. Anybody who says,"I drank alcohol when I didn't want to,"  just might fit into this mold. There were plenty of times I drank when I didn't want to. I had to drink, because I couldn't. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me. There was a time I had to drink in order to feel normal. I had to drink in order to function. It wasn't my lifelong ambition to work towards having to drink in the morning to calm the shakes. But as a binge spree type drinker, that's how it was. There was a time when I only drank alcohol when I was awake. I would pass out, only to come to, and drink before sitting up. Friends would say, "dude, you're gonna die if you drink like that and don't eat." I would say, Yeah, I know, but when?" I have made several trips to detox units in my wino days. I knew most all the detox units in the state. I ended up at most of them. I knew which ones were the best to go to. Like the detox units that had good drugs to help for withdrawal, and great food, all one can eat. Stay in one for three days then start to feel good, get discharged, and do it all over again. Pure insanity. I have been to intensive inpatient treatment three times, one being a 90 day spin dry.

I have found a solution in the principles of this simple AA program. I try to live the steps and traditions. I know that I am different than the norm. Nothing wrong with that. My thinking is screwy at times, but that's ok. It's that way for normies too. I have a program and friends today that keep me centered, along with my Higher Power. I feel so much better after meetings. Especially when I listen. I need those people. They are me. They think and feel like me. The more I see them, the more I come to know me. I'm a pretty good guy I think, even if I still have a beer gut. God bless, and you all have a great weekend. I am off to surf the WWW! When do I get to call myself an ex-problem drinker? LOL