Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Friday, December 26, 2008

Another death, and other stuff...

My sister passed away about two weeks ago. She had been ill for a long time, but we all thought she had a few years left, so it was bad news. She stopped breathing at home and was taken to the hospital and placed on life support. We met with several doctors and were told that she was not going to pull through so we might consider taking her off of life support. I had decided to be with her when they pulled the plug. The doctor said she could last from 10 minutes to two days. She had end stage lung disease. They also discovered that she had a cirrhotic liver and her abdomen was full of cancer. This was also causing internal bleeding. Right after the life support was removed, I saw the nurse give a massive dose of morphine into her IV. I love nurses. After a few loving words were shared, she passed about an hour and a half later. It wasn't all peaceful and calm at first. My sister is a scrapper and wasn't going down without a fight. She managed to say she loved me and she was also crazy about my roommate that is in treatment. It's been a rough year. But it has been a sober year. I am giving to someone without taking. Without expecting anything in return. As Rocky Balboa once said, "Friends don't owe. Friends do because they wanna do." It feels wonderful just to do things right for a change. I wish I could say I owe it all to AA. AA has, and still is a huge help. For a change I have applied a few things from AA. I had really never done that before. Something has changed within me. I just don't talk about it much. I just want to continue to practice these things in all of my affairs...Hope you all had a good Christmas.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Graduation...A new beginning.

The evening of the 8th I got a call. She will be coming home following graduation from treatment. I will drive over for graduation, then pick her up the next day after she is discharged for the long drive home. I'm happy she is coming home. Nonstop it's about a 5 hour drive one way. I'm glad the gas prices have gone down.

A week and a half ago I fell climbing down off the roof of my garage. I landed on my feet. I stuck the landing pretty well, but before I hit I knew I had hurt my back again. Some of you know since early 2003, I have had 4 back surgeries. This injury is a good one. A friend came over last Friday and I asked him to go get my chainsaw and cut my leg off. He thought I was kidding. Maybe those who have had leg pain due to back injury know what I mean. It's the kind of pain where they give you the really good drugs. They just seem to take a bit of the edge off, to where I'm only grinding my teeth. I have been praying like a mutha. Most of the time I can't sleep because of it hurting. A year ago last August was my last surgery. Maybe I'm due, I don't know. I hope not. Sure is good to be sober though. I don't think I would be a very good drunk having to handle this pain stuff. We have had a few go back out for more research (slips) lately. One person I'm quite fond of and is out there using alcohol/meth. I pray they are lucky enough to get back. I could use a good old fashioned 12 step call...

Saturday, December 06, 2008

So grateful for her...and my God.

My best friend and roommate who is still away in treatment, is on my mind a lot. She will complete a six-month inpatient program soon. Before she comes home, she may enter into another more structured environment for extra time. This is due to honesty that she is afraid she might drink due to powerful episodic physical alcohol cravings, along with episodes of deep depression of almost a bipolar nature. At first I was upset that she might not be coming home right away. I stayed pissed for almost a week! I took off my ring and threw it in a drawer. That was the selfish me. King Baby was really acting up. It didn't take me long to realize what she and I really have. It's more than most. She and I have always agreed that we were best friends first. Regardless what happens or doesn't happen between us. Example, we may be romantically involved like we have been, or we may not be for a while. We may never be involved that way again. She is at the moment of truth where one more drink could very well be her last. Death could follow a binge with her. This time it matters and it's real. In the past, she didn't appear to be afraid of another drink. She and I are not going to let the complications of a relationship with each other get into the way of her recovery. Even though she says a relationship with me has never been difficult. I have always been patient, kind and tolerant of her alcoholism and it's associated behaviors. If she and I are to be together, God will probably make sure that happens.

As I walked around this place tonight I was recalling some joy we have experienced here. Last Christmas we were all sober and were able to have a beautiful, love filled Christmas. I told her it was the best Christmas I had in over 20 years. That's the truth. Coming up on two years that we have lived here in this place, I have so much to be thankful for. Just last night she said "I love you." I always have loved her. She would try so hard to stay sober. I've never seen anyone try so hard. Yet time after time she would "fail." But I never lost hope, or gave up on her, when so many others did. Some think I'm nuts for hanging in so long. That's the problem with a lot of people today. They give up to easy, which is the easy thing to do. Sometimes the best things to do in life are to do the hard things. With this woman though, I have never felt discouragement. I got divorced from my second wife in 1990, and for the first time in my life since, I have felt these past couple of years that I live in a home, rather than a house. I have an undying love for her, whether we end up together or apart. She has brought love and hope back into my life, a kind I have never had. This is something I may have missed out on if God hadn't made our paths cross two short years ago. Back then I made some promises to her. I promised that I would never abandon her. I promised I would never leave her. I promised her hope, always. I promised that I would always believe in her. I promised these things will always be, as long as I am alive. She is such a beautiful part of my life. I know I have a God that loves me, and loves her as well. I have grown and learned much from my best friend/lover/roommate. I am so grateful and thankful that we connect and have total trust in each other. This is deeply personal for me to say all these things.After a life of breaking promises, it feels beyond beautiful to keep these. I will forever be my best friends cheerleader. She is worth it.

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