Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Friday, September 29, 2006

Busy, busy, busy...

On Monday a friend with 38 years sober had a stroke. Seems everytime I tried to logon to Blogger, their server was down. I missed posting HNT. I have been busy with a computer (not mine) that I'm fixing that's giving me fits. Yesterday I had to put on a happy face and say "How nice that you still have one megabyte of space left on your 120 gig harddive! Nearly perfect!" With some customers, I think the "waterboard" treatment would be more than appropriate.
I am volunteering at the Club today from 10am till 2pm, then back to that harddrive, then to the 6pm Big Book Study meeting.
Yesterday, I saw a drunk man fall off of his bicycle and possibly break his ankle. My friend and I pulled over as it was two doors down from where I live. As he lay there trying to get up, but not being able too, the traffic just kept going by. This guy was obviously in distress, yet nobody stopped to offer assistance.
My friend and I helped this guy with an ambulance and getting his dog and bicycle home. This morning, I got up and listened to the presidents speech about the war. That, with what I saw last night...What have we become? Basically, Iraq is now a battlefield against terrorists rather than a country.
All this is so sad. Very sad. During my morning prayer, I also thanked God I'M not on a dry drunk.
This is the first and last time you will see anything here about world events. Our government sucks. But today, I still can help others, and stay sober 24 hours at a time! Have a good weekend!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Feeling better...

I did have a bug for a few days. I feel good now, thanks to those who left get weller comments. I had a 400mg Testosterone shot today and I cleaned the Club tonight and I just feel as if I could knock out the worlds strongest man with one punch.
Really though, I'd rather just hand out flowers and ask, "Who wants to read How it Works?"

Children...

I can recall making amends to a three and five year old. It was one of the most humbling moments I'm sure I'll ever experience. It's not easy to say I'm sorry for not being a very good daddy. Back in the 1980's I had a friend with three kids, a wife and the fulltime job. He was a fishing buddy of mine. He worked a good program from what I could see. I think he was going to four or five meetings a week, in the evenings after work back then. I got a call from him one day and he asked me for a lift to a meeting due to his car being in the shop. Sure, no problem. I parked outside, and waited and I see him waving at me to come in. He wasn't quiet ready to go. His wife said hi and smiled. We had met before. His thirteen year old daughter was on the couch watching TV, looking straight ahead. I could feel an uneasiness in the room. Anyway as we were leaving he said goodbye and he would be back later. Then it happened. His daughter said, "Why do you have to be gone so much? Why can't you stay home sometimes?" My friend said..."Would you rather have me the way I was before?"
She got up from the couch and began a brisk walk down the hallway and said, words I will never forget. "Dad, I'm not crazy about you either way. You were gone when you were drinking, now you're gone when you're not drinking. I don't give a shit!"

I remember that as if it happened yesterday. Granted, a lot of meetings are needed in early recovery. If you have a family, I hope you can strike a balance in recovery, meetings and family.


OUR CHILDREN

The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children...In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it...From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.

Sept. 26th, The Daily Reflections, page 278.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Then came Friday...

By this last Friday, I was feeling fairly exhausted. So I go to take a nap before the Big Book Study meeting. Right. I woke up long after the meeting had come and gone. I wasn't feeling real chipper. By Saturday morning, I realized I had come down with a bug of some kind. I did a lot of chicken soup etc...I was hoping maybe it was just a 24 hour thing. Sunday, I wake up with a low grade temp, 99.8. I feel like 8 miles of bad road. Even though I feel like crap and really can't go any where but potty and bed, that doesn't mean that I stop working my program. I have to do the best I can regardless of how I feel physically. Alcoholism is far more patient than I am, and it is always lurking in the background waiting for a weak moment. So for me, I have to touch the principles of this program of AA daily. Even when I have the weakness that a flu brings, I can still gather strength from doing what I have to do, like reading AA literature, pray, and journal when I can. When all else fails, grab the AA Big Book!

A COMMON SOLUTION.

The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism.
AA Big Book, page 17

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wham!

I'm not talking about the old George Michaels band either. I met with my sponsor yesterday for a chat and to return the pickup truck to the Alano Club following the campout. We usually have a double shot esspresso on the rocks. I love one a week. Just social use. Both of us are the geeky computer types and besides talking about recovery, we discuss computers. While talking with him, I see another member of AA coming into the little drive-in where we are at. So the three of us sat and contemplated world events. Then the guy that just came in says,"Are you ready to deliver a computer?" I was clueless. Then they broke the news that this new computer was for me! I was dumb struck, numb and speechless. I think I muttered something like "why for me" or something similar, and it was for just doing what I love to do, and that is helping others. I almost started crying. I have computers, but nothing close to as nice as this machine.

We took it to my place, and dropped it off, then my sponsor and I went to drop off Fred's truck. We then went up to Eagle Creek near Leavenworth, to drop off a computer for his son and his family. Back into the mountains and forest again. It was so peaceful. His son and wife and kids were very cool. There is a lot of love there and I knew it would not have become, without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Ok, now I'll start crying, but this is all such a gift and none of my doing except choosing not to drink today, touching the principles and living by the Golden Rule.

I am feeling a lot of gratitude today, not just for the material thing, but for the hearts in this program. I love alcoholics. Especially the ones in AA.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Gas and Brain Farts...

I went to the campout with a full tank of gas, and had a major brain fart because I forgot my camera. There were some people that did show up with cameras that will get me copies of the pics they took so maybe I can post a few. I was pleasantly surprised at the number of people that did show up. It was a much larger crowd than I had anticipated. We had a huge dinner Saturday after having a gratitude meeting. It was awesome, and very spiritual. The smaller group that went up Friday were entertained by a raccoon that was intent on stealing my bread and stuff out of my ice chest. We ran him off once, then three minutes later he came back, flipped the lid off of it and took about a half of a loaf of bread. We had to set rocks on the lids of all the coolers. It was funny. We ended up with so much food. It was also very cold. We had a camp fire going constantly. It was very well worth it though. Something about a meeting while looking into a camp fire.

It's good to be home. These old bones don't do sleeping on the ground very well. I am feeling pretty sore all over!! It's a sober soreness, and that's a beautiful thing. I sure could tell that I missed posting on this blog! Thank you all for your comments. Have a grand day!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Camping again?

Yep. I just got home from cleaning the Alano Club. It's 1am here, and it's up early to load up the pickup and head on outta town for the annual Alano Club Campout, at Tumwater Campground, on the Wenatchee River. About being angry, I have calmed. I have to admit Step Three is very cool. My issues are no different than any other alcoholics when looking at Step 4. God willing, I will return Sunday late afternoon for another post, and maybe a picture or two. I pray you all have a wonderful weekend!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I'm mad as hell...

That's a beautiful thing for me. I learned at a very young age that to express my anger, was against my best interest. I was introduced to time travel at a young age. I traveled into the future a lot! Every time I got angry, the giants I lived with (my parents) would "knock me into next week." So from little boy on, I would stuff my anger. I was afraid the giants would kill me if I didn't.

I don't know why I'm really pissed off now. I think I'm starting to feel things as a combination of the right meds and hormone shots. As I talked with my sponsor yesterday, it hit me. Pardon the expression. Admitting powerlessness over alcohol is easy for me. But powerless over people places and things is something else. For the most part, I deal with this well, on an intellectual level at least. On a gut level acceptance of that is where I am lacking. It has been my experience than when doing a Fourth Step, it's not unusual to experience this pissed-offedness. I have some assets, but my liabilities are far too many. They are not so many however that I cannot resolve these things by working these Steps.

Who cares to admit complete defeat?  I am not unique in that one. At least today I don't feel like grabbing someone by the throat and squeezing it until their head falls off and hits the ground.
I must look only at my part; my role in all of this work. Step Four for me is a bitch, but freedom lies beyond, and that reality comforts me. Currently, I don't know who I am...Except another sober, ashamed, drunk. Oh, yes, and former needle freak.
I used to go down under the bridge here in town and throw rocks when I was really angry. Step Four has shown me that sometimes there just ain't enough rocks...

Monday, September 11, 2006

The Cove Marina...


This is Fish Lake, about 40 minutes from where I live. As I looked at this picture, I wondered if "I drank that much over the years?" I drank a lot! Have you ever thought about how much you drank? I'll bet if all us bloggers pooled the money we spent on booze, we would have enough for each of us to have one of those cement ponds!! Like the Clampets!

Love the outdoors...



This fullt-time summer resident of Ingalls Lake tolerates weekend visitors. West Ridge of Mt. Stuart (leading down to Goat Pass) in background.

I got to thinking about Ingalls Lake, and I smiled wondered how I would feel if I were making love there and noticed we were being watched by a Mountain Goat...!? I don't know how I would feel...Do you??

Sunday, September 10, 2006

NFL Sunday...

I went to the Alano Club early this morning and cleaned the place in time to watch my football game today. They won. It was nice to have the place to myself, and take my time cleaning, doing a few extras. I'll be headed back there to meet with the Club president, Fred, to discuss our plan of attack concerning the upcoming Alano Club campout, on the 15th, and 16th of this month. Things are quiet finally here at home and I am finally getting some sleep without having to play the middle man anymore. I try to keep the peace and I don't deal well with anger problems of others, because I want them to like me. People-pleasing is one of my issues, and I have learned that this is a save your own ass program, and I'm not out to win any popularity contests, in AA or anywhere else. Oh, I got a letter yesterday from my doctor saying my kidney function tests were perfect. I felt they were working quite well, having to pee every 5 minutes. He didn't request the HDL/LDL test, so I have to call tomorrow and set that up. I'm feeling grateful today. Hope you all are feeling well too.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Happy hAAlf-Nekkid Thursday!

I feel better already! It's great how the principles work! About the picture...I'm really small standing by the tent on the right...I was going to take two tents, but my doctor said that was my problem. (Think.."Two tents"...get it?)

Depressions...

I had a doctor visit this past Tuesday. He says "What's with the weight and the sad face?" I tipped the scales at 220lbs(99.77kgs). I have put on 40 pounds. "Oh yeah, You are only on one antidepressant now. You were on three. I see you have been on 400mgs of Testosterone since last November...Hmmmm"
Lets double the dose of your Wellbutrin, to 300mgs a day." They took more blood too that day, to check HDL/LDL levels and kidney function as I am taking Lipitor to decrease arterial fats. I hate being depressed. I can be a real Bitch. I can talk about all the things I'm grateful for, talk to other people, yet it still feels like I'm dragging a boat anchor behind me. It affects my decision making when it comes to people, places and things. Today I feel like crawling under a rock. I'll be back in the mountains for a couple of days, next weekend. I always feel better in the forrest...With all the animals, bushes, flowers and stuff...
I need a meeting. I need an alcoholic to work on. I'll have that in about an hour. Step 10 helps me with depression, but sometimes I feel like my chin is just above the waterline...

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Searching...

At Step Four we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? Though a given situation had not been entirely our fault, we often tried to cast the whole blame on the other person involved.

We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man's. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 67

Typical...



  • State your name: Dee Nile

  • Are you an alcoholic? No.

  • Have you ever felt guilty because of drinking? Yes.

  • Have you ever had legal problems because of drinking? Yes.

  • Have family members ever complained about your drinking? Yes.

  • Has drinking caused you financial problems? Yes.

  • Have you ever felt nervous after a night of drinking? Yes.

  • Have you ever had difficulty remembering what happened after drinking? Yes.

  • Have your friends suggested you should cut down on your drinking? Yes.

  • Have you ever felt irritated when people mention your drinking? Yes.

  • Are you an alcoholic? No.



Funny how this disease works huh?

Monday, September 04, 2006

Finally...

Very late last night I reached a decision, through much prayer and suggestions from a few objective people. To still the waters, and for the protection of innocence, I have to evict a roommate. I will leave it at that. I like this person, but cannot tolerate ongoing issues that are so easy to resolve. I will not go into the "protection of innocence" details. I am positive I am doing what my Higher Power would want me to do. All of the recent news discussed earlier made me physically sick. Chest pains, upset stomach, name it. Glad I see my doctor in the morning. I get to see how much arterial mud I have. More bloodwork. I am grateful about all the fellows who offer there support here and in the outside world. What a gift! I wish you all a happy, sober and safe holiday today!!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

God's Will for us...

I went to the noon meeting today and left feeling better than when I went in. Seems to work that way. I was whisked away off into a corner by a friend that offered me some information that I saw on paper. The good feeling I had from the meeting drained out the bottom of my feet, and my heart sunk. I was thankful to get the information, but I was now faced with having to make a decision, that will effect the lives of some folks. It wasn't like I was lied to, but more of a "withholding of information" concerning a legal situation that someone else has. A very serious legal concern. This is as specific as I can get. I have been praying for the past two hours for the knowledge of God's will, and the power to carry that out. I sometimes forget that God's time element is different than mine. He hasn't answered my prayer yet. I am now doing some reading.

Seeking Guidance:

"Man is supposed to think, and act. He wasn't made in God's image to be automation."


"My own formula along this line runs as follows: First, think through every situation pro and con, praying meanwhile that I may be not influenced by ego considerations. Affirm that I would like to do God's will."


"Then, having turned the problem over in this fashion and getting no conclusive or compelling answer. I wait for further guidance, which may come into the mind directly or through other people or through circumstances."


"If I feel I can't wait, and still get no definite indication, I repeat the measure several times, try to pick out the best course, and then proceed to act. I know that if I'm wrong, the heavens won't fall. A lesson will be learned, in any case."
from page 55, "As Bill Sees It." God help me do the right thing...Please.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Peanut Brittle...

Yesterday, a bunch of us went to a rather famous candy making place, up in one of the mountain passes near here. One of the employee's/part owner is in AA. He set up the whole thing. We went up after the place was closed and we learned to make peanut brittle! I got elbow deep in corn syrup. In total we made 28 pounds of it, and all who helped got two large bags of it. After the candy making, we gathered outside on the lawn along the river to have an AA meeting. The valley there is very rugged terrain, covered with pines and other trees. We sat next to a wide, calm part of the river. With the salmon running, often during the meeting I could hear the loud splash of a salmon jumping. The topic was gratitude. I was in my element. I have been to AA meetings all up and down the west coast. This one was truly the most beautiful one I have ever been to. Or is it because I may be seeing things differently? I don't care what it is. Whatever it is, I'm gonna roll with it. It's nearly better that four hours of hot, sweaty..."nevermind."

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