I'm mad as hell...

That's a beautiful thing for me. I learned at a very young age that to express my anger, was against my best interest. I was introduced to time travel at a young age. I traveled into the future a lot! Every time I got angry, the giants I lived with (my parents) would "knock me into next week." So from little boy on, I would stuff my anger. I was afraid the giants would kill me if I didn't.

I don't know why I'm really pissed off now. I think I'm starting to feel things as a combination of the right meds and hormone shots. As I talked with my sponsor yesterday, it hit me. Pardon the expression. Admitting powerlessness over alcohol is easy for me. But powerless over people places and things is something else. For the most part, I deal with this well, on an intellectual level at least. On a gut level acceptance of that is where I am lacking. It has been my experience than when doing a Fourth Step, it's not unusual to experience this pissed-offedness. I have some assets, but my liabilities are far too many. They are not so many however that I cannot resolve these things by working these Steps.

Who cares to admit complete defeat?  I am not unique in that one. At least today I don't feel like grabbing someone by the throat and squeezing it until their head falls off and hits the ground.
I must look only at my part; my role in all of this work. Step Four for me is a bitch, but freedom lies beyond, and that reality comforts me. Currently, I don't know who I am...Except another sober, ashamed, drunk. Oh, yes, and former needle freak.
I used to go down under the bridge here in town and throw rocks when I was really angry. Step Four has shown me that sometimes there just ain't enough rocks...