Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I'm mad as hell...

That's a beautiful thing for me. I learned at a very young age that to express my anger, was against my best interest. I was introduced to time travel at a young age. I traveled into the future a lot! Every time I got angry, the giants I lived with (my parents) would "knock me into next week." So from little boy on, I would stuff my anger. I was afraid the giants would kill me if I didn't.

I don't know why I'm really pissed off now. I think I'm starting to feel things as a combination of the right meds and hormone shots. As I talked with my sponsor yesterday, it hit me. Pardon the expression. Admitting powerlessness over alcohol is easy for me. But powerless over people places and things is something else. For the most part, I deal with this well, on an intellectual level at least. On a gut level acceptance of that is where I am lacking. It has been my experience than when doing a Fourth Step, it's not unusual to experience this pissed-offedness. I have some assets, but my liabilities are far too many. They are not so many however that I cannot resolve these things by working these Steps.

Who cares to admit complete defeat?  I am not unique in that one. At least today I don't feel like grabbing someone by the throat and squeezing it until their head falls off and hits the ground.
I must look only at my part; my role in all of this work. Step Four for me is a bitch, but freedom lies beyond, and that reality comforts me. Currently, I don't know who I am...Except another sober, ashamed, drunk. Oh, yes, and former needle freak.
I used to go down under the bridge here in town and throw rocks when I was really angry. Step Four has shown me that sometimes there just ain't enough rocks...

11 Comments:

Blogger kel said...

I love to read your blog and I feel like I can actually see your inner conflicts and then just as easily watch you work them out so articulately in writing. Its a thing of beauty to me, being so new to this process and trying to learn from those of you who have been here already.

Thanks for sharing.

Peace...

1:09 PM  
Blogger Sober Chick said...

It is great that you are discovering tools to deal with those angry emotions. Even better, you are practicing using them -- your experiences today will be an asset to help other alcoholics recovering.

1:27 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Step 4 is everything and more than you may expect. Having all those liabilities is normal; it's learning about them and identifying them that is so advantageous. Then it's onward into the journey.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Sober @ Sundown said...

It's all a process taken a day at a time. Just when you think you have the "powerlessness" concept down, a new day will dawn, and it brings new insights.

9:15 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I did my step 4 when I was just a few months sober, I know many people say you should wait for a few years but my sponsor said there was little point waiting.
Anyway I can always do another one, anyway a lovely blog, I have added it to my faves and will visit more often

3:37 AM  
Blogger Trudging said...

I understand about not being able to express anger thing. My family was like that too. I also relate to the head vs. the gut thing.

4:49 AM  
Anonymous Mark W. said...

Ha! Oh yeah - this is a conspiracy right? All y'all have posts up the last day or so that I can relate to...

I hadn't seen your "I don't feel like grabbing someone by the throat" comment before I wrote today's entry - lmfao!

Oh and btw - I can identify with the giants and the anger. Went into the future quite a bit myself.

I also didn't know if I was "Jesus Christ" or "God Dammit" when I was a kid, as in "Jesus Christ, will you shut up!" or "God Dammit, stop that!" (hat tip to Bill Cosby on this one)

Have a great day,

Mark

8:38 AM  
Blogger Diego said...

WELL WELL MY FRIEND, ITS SO NICE TO READ YOUR POST....I AM NOT ALONE......TAKE CARE AND MOVE FORWARD AND IF YOU HAVE TO, PAUSE, AND SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO TAKE A STEP BACK BUT DON'T GIVE UP HOPE....

6:55 PM  
Blogger Recovering Wino said...

Great post! I'm working four right now!

11:11 PM  
Blogger tkdjunkie said...

There's no need for a sober alcoholic to ever feel ashamed. Unlike a drunk alcoholic, you're devoting yourself to "progress, not perfection". You're doing the next right thing. Keep it up!

7:45 AM  
Blogger Alcoholic Brain said...

good point TKD...

7:55 PM  

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