Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Excitement and a pain in the neck!

Hi everybody. My friend is back from treatment and wow what a change! I can see in her eyes that there is a bit of peace. It's fleeting, but it's there. I see a truck load of acceptance. She's great! Right where she's supposed to be! It's scary but positive, and I gotta tell ya I'm optimistic for today. There's definitely movin' and shakin' going on. Some real changes are in the works all for the betterment and continued exploration of who the hell are we. Fourth Step stuff. Communication without fear. Absolute trust in sharing is so healing. One breath at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. My heart and head are one. Meetings daily is a good thing too. I see a head or two that I would like to twist off, but hey it just makes for a messy meeting and nobody wants that.

I enter the hospital Monday the 27th, for an anterior cervical fusion with bone grafting and titanium plates, screws and stuff. I can't wait it should be fun. I dig pain. NOT! Ok well maybe a little bit...On a serious note, I was expressing some fear about this surgery and my friend  Last Call says, "Where's your faith?" I felt like I got caught with my pants down in a public place. Prayer is now double time, but at the same speed...Have a clean and sober weekend everybody. I see a new life beginning. It's a loving one. Without love, what is left over is fear. Peace, love and cosmic unity, AB.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


"No sleeping in today Smokie. No, Nada, Nyet. We have a trip to make cat...Coffees ready. Let's go pick-up a friend from treatment, then go to a meeting tonight when we get back...Oh quit your meowin'. You know as well as I do, we can only keep what we have by giving it away. Now get your lazy arse outta bed...I'll get ya a cup of coffee; and grab that 24 hour book too...And thank you for not smoking..."

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Well, it's 3:30am, Thursday morning. I will try again in a bit to get some sleep. Some of you know that I'm having a pre-op physical exam the 21st, for an operation to correct three vertebrae in my neck. So, I'll probably have the surgery toward the end of this month. Anxiety, besides pain is playing a role in my inability to sleep as well. The woman I live and love with is being discharged from treatment 4 days early due to her progress she has made while there. She has worked very hard there. She went to treatment in a town that is a six hour drive from here, so she may stay a day or two with her brother and his wife. They live there where she is in treatment. The family needs to heal, and this is a great start.

The meeting at 6pm Wednesday night was on "gratitude." There was the usual collective groan that usually appears when the chairperson picks that topic. At first I didn't even want to go there, as I just wasn't feeling very grateful. The neat thing about gratitude meetings is it makes me look at the things that I am grateful for today. Since I have a tendency to sit on the pity throne a lot when in pain, it's a perfect topic for me. My left leg has been bothering me as of late, so I've had to bum some rides lately. Both cars in the driveway are stick shifts, and right now my left leg and right arm are all but useless. But hey, we in AA help each other that's how it works. When I get better, I will do the same for others.

When I got home, I checked the mail, and what a wonderful letter I got from her. She is a lady of few words, but when she says something, she means it. When she writes it, it's even more meaningful. I was feeling pretty good emotionally when I got home, but there's something about her signing off the letter with "Love you, miss you" I just let go and jerked a couple of gratitude tears. I'm such a silly sot. I have a lot to be grateful for and very little of it was any of my doing. That's the neat thing about letting a Higher Power run your life. I'm off the pity pot now, there's only one, and I'm sure someone else needs to sit for a while. Hope you are all doing well, and staying sober, a day at a time...Hang in...

Saturday, August 04, 2007

AA is a better, safer boat...

I recall the hopelessness I felt when I was drinking. It stays fresh in my mind. To me, that's very important. Remembering the neighborhood is critical in my process of staying sober and growing. When drinking, I would often see myself as being in a row boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I would say between drinks, "My boat is so small, and the sea is too big." What AA has done for me is give me a much bigger boat. A boat that is safer for me. The boat in the picture taken the 23rd of last month, is a meeting, and my sponsor, and my friends in the fellowship of AA. The life ring is an extra meeting and helping others. I thank my Creator for blessing me with a bigger, more sea worthy craft. Today I have much to be grateful for:

  • Alcoholics Anonymous.

  • 12 Steps that help me grow.

  • A sponsor I love.

  • A sponsor that pisses me off sometimes.

  • The belief that my Creator does indeed love me.

  • My alcoholic, who has restored my belief in love and commitment, no matter what.

  • My alcoholic, who has taught me that it is more important to give, instead of getting.

  • My family who has always loved me, despite what shame I have brought to them.

  • Skilled surgeons who continue to do repairs on me.

  • Responsibilities, and bills to pay.

  • A nice place to live.

  • Food and water.

  • A big Goldfish, a dog and cats to care for.

  • Being alive, when I should be dead.

God bless you all. Have a fine weekend. Love, AB.

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