Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Sunday, May 22, 2005

The 12 Steps and my Higher Power...

My new rulz in recovery.

  • Go to meetings.
  • Get a higher power, and it better be God.
  • Keep your pants on for your first year.
  • Get a sponsor...Do the Steps.
  • Help others.
  • Pray daily...Pray often.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Just me and my HP.

I don't mean Hewlett-Packard. Been camping since last Saturday. Alone. Least I thought I was. I soon discovered I was talking, not only to myself, but to my HP, whom I call God. I could complain about how it rained almost constantly the whole time I was there. I almost enjoyed myself. Someone once told me that if I am not happy living alone, maybe it's the company I'm keeping. Makes sense. I never drank or did drugs while fishing. I don't know why. Also staying at a shelter for men is ok. It is a lot nicer place than I had imagined. They offer 12 Step meetings, and Bible study. It's funny how life works. Never break up with the woman you live with, unless the abode you are living in is in your name!! What an Alcoholic Brain I have!! Was I trying to set myself up to drink? I don't know. I have been going to AA meetings and haven't drank, so if I were setting myself up to drink, today it didn't work. I think AA works fine. I really don't like going to AA meetings, but I always feel better when I'm there, and feel better after. If I can keep AA in my head, then maybe the thought of going wouldn't feel like dragging a ball and chain....I think so, eh?

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Holier Than Thou


No more!
The craps rolls out your mouth again.
Haven't changed, your brain is still gelatin.
Little whispers circle around your head.
Why don't you worry about yourself instead!

Who are you? where ya been? where ya from?
Gossip is burning on the tip of your tongue.
You lie so much you believe yourself.
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself!

Holier than thou,
You are,
Holier than thou,
You are!

You know not!

Before you judge me take a look at you.
Can't you find somethig better to do.
Point the finger, slow to understand,
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand.

It's not who you are it's who you know.
Others lives are the basis of your own,
Burn your bridges build them back with wealth.
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself.

Holier than thou,
You are
Holier than thou,
You are,

You know not!


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

No longer hiding...I am set free!

Since age 15, I have felt different than others as I recall. At that age I recall having a panic attack in town in the car with my mother. She didn't know what to do, so she drove to our family doctor and he quickly saw me. He says, "Pull yourself together!" He then puts me on an antidepressant, Elavil. I didn't tell any of my friends of what had happened that day. I would have been embarrassed, and made fun of. I was off of the drug from 10th grade until after I graduated from High School. High School was fun. I was a big football stud, and a track star. I held the record at the local high school for the fastest time in the 220 yard dash. A record that stood for over ten years. The guy who beat my time went on to play professional football. I mean the "Show." The NFL. Shortly after high school, I began the depressions, panic attacks, and not traveling much. I eventually was led to a psychiatrist. I referred myself. For 15 years or so, I was receiving psychiatric counseling. I was treated with every treatment known for panic disorder. The conclusion was that medications would have to be the only workable solution...I went to work in the addiction treatment industry, having to keep secret the fact that I had to take psychotropics. I was feeling shame to my marrow, and I felt that way for years. Too many years. In the ambulance business for 6 years, and for about 14 years as an addiction counselor, I kept this secret. I lived in fear, that if discovered, I would lose my job. Today, I went for yet another psychiatric evaluation. What a relief for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide the truth about my mental health issues. I had, and have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I have lost all. No cash, hardly a place to live, but I feel more at ease, and I feel ok about being somewhat nuts. I am a dual diagnosis patient. I will soon be entering intensive outpatient treatment, for my alcohol issues, as well as my mental troubles. I haven't met the treatment professional yet, but did recognize her name. I really like this person. In 2002 someone asked me if I knew this counselor, and yes, I did. They told me that this counselor said "I was the best counselor in four counties." I was flattered. But flattery does not keep me sober. I finally feel like I belong to something very real. It may not be pretty, I may not like to do some of the things I have to do like stay away from relationships, go to AA and work the steps and work with my sponsors. Yes, sponsors. Both of them. If I can stay on my meds, stay away from women for a year or maybe two, I will have a chance for life. I am guarded, as a relationship junkie as well, I have to watch it. There's a "slip" under every skirt...

Sunday, May 01, 2005

You might be an Alcoholic if...

1. You wake up and find that you have sun burnt the roof of your mouth.

2. You wonder who drank all your wine, and you live alone...

3. You wake up and you have a rug burn on your tongue.

4. Upon waking, you discover you have wet the bed...The bed is not yours.

5. You make a beer run while wearing two different shoes...

6. You drive better with your hand covering one eye...

Part two, of Step One...

Step One of AA reads, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable." I was almost done with writing my Fourth Step about two weeks ago. My girlfriend almost three months ago asked me to move in with her, so I did. She said she loved me. She mentioned it a lot everyday. After about two weeks of living together, she asks me to marry her. I respectfully declined, and after discussing the reasons why we shouldn't get married as soon as possible, she said I was really a smart man. She later went on to talk about having moral conflicts about living in sin. About two weeks ago, she didn't come home. She was staying at another guys place. This past Thursday, the rumor is that they got married. In no way do I blame this woman, nor harbor any resentments toward her. Like myself, we both have our demons we have to deal with. Now, I am forced to face mine again, which is a good thing. So, here I am, in an apartment I cannot afford to rent. I collect a disability because my back is injured again. I may be looking at my third back surgery. Today, I packed my stuff, hurt my back, so I am done for the day. My sponsor knows a guy with a truck, and maybe some extra muscles can be located. I have had no luck in finding anyone to help me move my belongings to storage unit I rented yesterday. When I can get my things into my storage unit, then I can move. I will be staying in a homeless shelter for men. I have never been homeless before. This moment of clarity has is a real lesson in humility. The good news is, that my tests for bone cancer came back negative. I sincerely wish the newlyweds well. I like them both very much.

"Selfishness, self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt"  from the Big Book of AA.

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