Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

No longer hiding...I am set free!

Since age 15, I have felt different than others as I recall. At that age I recall having a panic attack in town in the car with my mother. She didn't know what to do, so she drove to our family doctor and he quickly saw me. He says, "Pull yourself together!" He then puts me on an antidepressant, Elavil. I didn't tell any of my friends of what had happened that day. I would have been embarrassed, and made fun of. I was off of the drug from 10th grade until after I graduated from High School. High School was fun. I was a big football stud, and a track star. I held the record at the local high school for the fastest time in the 220 yard dash. A record that stood for over ten years. The guy who beat my time went on to play professional football. I mean the "Show." The NFL. Shortly after high school, I began the depressions, panic attacks, and not traveling much. I eventually was led to a psychiatrist. I referred myself. For 15 years or so, I was receiving psychiatric counseling. I was treated with every treatment known for panic disorder. The conclusion was that medications would have to be the only workable solution...I went to work in the addiction treatment industry, having to keep secret the fact that I had to take psychotropics. I was feeling shame to my marrow, and I felt that way for years. Too many years. In the ambulance business for 6 years, and for about 14 years as an addiction counselor, I kept this secret. I lived in fear, that if discovered, I would lose my job. Today, I went for yet another psychiatric evaluation. What a relief for the first time in my life, I didn't have to hide the truth about my mental health issues. I had, and have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I have lost all. No cash, hardly a place to live, but I feel more at ease, and I feel ok about being somewhat nuts. I am a dual diagnosis patient. I will soon be entering intensive outpatient treatment, for my alcohol issues, as well as my mental troubles. I haven't met the treatment professional yet, but did recognize her name. I really like this person. In 2002 someone asked me if I knew this counselor, and yes, I did. They told me that this counselor said "I was the best counselor in four counties." I was flattered. But flattery does not keep me sober. I finally feel like I belong to something very real. It may not be pretty, I may not like to do some of the things I have to do like stay away from relationships, go to AA and work the steps and work with my sponsors. Yes, sponsors. Both of them. If I can stay on my meds, stay away from women for a year or maybe two, I will have a chance for life. I am guarded, as a relationship junkie as well, I have to watch it. There's a "slip" under every skirt...


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