Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

With me, or against me?

Sounds like the president. On paper 30 minutes ago, my post was full of pearls of wisdom. After reading it, I threw it into the trash. It reminded me that I know too much about alcoholism and addiction. Knowledge can be a dangerous thing. It hasn't kept me sober. My alcoholism is just a symptom of the real problem. Me. I don't know very much about me. I see myself as suffering from a sickness of the soul. With that, I believe only a spiritual conversion of sorts can change me. Without it, I will, in all probability, die drunk. My current medical problems have caused an increase in physical pain, and that results in isolation. I don't feel good enough to go anywhere...Most of the time. The good thing about this, is that I am left with facing myself. I am forced to journal, work on my fourth step, and read all the AA books I have here. That's the good thing about all of this. Despite that fact that I have lived a life full of fear, resentment, blaming, lying, cheating and using others, I think I'm an ok guy. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster, as I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. I only lost my temper once. That's where Step 10 comes in. I had to work it. With all this being said, maybe somebody will call or come over to visit. It's nice when somebody calls just to say "hi." That's rare. I had one of those calls just last week. That was nice. I have users in my life, and they know who they are. I did manage to make it to the Alano Club this week. I saw and heard all the complaining and self-pity stuff I needed to hear for the day. I did mention to someone there in conversation that an x-ray revealed bone cancer in my leg. The response: "The fucking mail is so slow. I haven't gotten my check yet."
Self-centeredness is the root of the alcoholic problem.

2 Comments:

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2:38 AM  
Blogger shadowlands said...

"I did mention to someone there in conversation that an x-ray revealed bone cancer in my leg. The response: "The fucking mail is so slow. I haven't gotten my check yet."

I hope you are OK now. I am reading your blog from beginning to end, so don't know your outcome.....yet.

1:23 AM  

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