Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I am tired...Tired...Tired...

This morning I woke up after a good nights sleep, yet still feeling dog tired. I asked myself why on Earth why I was feeling so worn out? Thinking about it I haven't been dreaming mush for the past few months. I dream maybe once a week at best. This is not good. Humans need dream sleep, also known as "REM" sleep. I have concluded correctly that I have been staying off of alcohol, using my own devices. My own program, not the recovery program that AA suggests, which is a 12 step program. I have been using my own willpower, and for me, the result has always been the same...A return to acute alcoholism...A place I never want to be again.

In college, we had these things called text books that we had to buy, in order to study, and learn from, in order to successfully pass classes etc...AA has a basic text book too. Right there in the book, it is called a basic text for Alcoholics Anonymous. It contains the original 12 steps, that so many other programs use today and the steps work. I see myself as being in school, yet I have failed to follow the directions in the book. Do I want a report card that reflects failure? Hardly. On page 62 of the basic text of AA, you will find a passage that states, "self-will run riot." That is the perfect description of how I have been staying "sober." The result is predictable...I die of exhaustion, or I surrender to the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. For the first time in 27 years of being in and out of the AA program, I have hit an emotional "bottom." I'm tired; like a lame horse. (a lame horse is one that has episodes of arthritis, usually in the knee). I asked a fella who has been around AA sober for as long as I have been trying to GET sober. He's a straight shooter, and a tough hombre. Just the type of gringo I need to keep me guided on the right path with these steps. He's a very likeable hombre though, or I wouldn't have asked him. He has something I want...Peace of mind. Diabetics need insulin to live. If I were to get pneumonia again, I would need breathing treatments again, and take antibiotics as prescribed, or suffer; perhaps die. The 12 steps in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous is my medicine. I better take it three times daily. If not, the prognosis is very poor. It is almost too simple. As a former football hero, it's like playing football. Sometimes the game is simple. You just lower your head and push...


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5:16 PM  

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