Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I can't think...

Ok, so do I write pages upon pages concerning the behavior of a common drunkard? Should I write what people want to hear? Being a "recovering alcoholic" I would love to write just about me...After all, the world does revolve around me. I am the center of the ever expanding universe. I am the center of attention when I am drinking, or when I'm not drinking. "Oh he's drinking again! What an idiot! He lost his job!! His wife, the house he bought!! Both the cars!!"...To..."Isn't he doing great, now that he isn't drinking and attending Alcoholics Anonymous!! He even has a sponsor!! He takes a bath everyday!" He is back to his real self again!!" It's all bullshit. Alcoholism has turned me into a pathological liar. I seem to see the world through someone else's prescription glasses...Just the way I want to see the world. I arrange people, places and things to my liking. Do I like being without a job? Do I enjoy hurting the people who really love me? No. But that's what I have become. Even though Alcoholism was declared a disease by the World Health Organization in 1953, and again in 1955 by the American Medical Association, people still judge this disease through moral eye glasses. Why? Because of what I do as a drunkard. People judge what they see. Alcoholism is not pretty. Having been a medical professional, it's about the ugliest disease I have witnessed. Is my ego convinced to the reality of me actually being a common drunkard? Maybe. Despite overwhelming evidence to the reality that I am a flaming alcoholic, I still say "maybe." Quitting drinking is easy. I have quit drinking a thousand times it seems. I nearly went 13 years without a drink. My alcoholic brain had me convinced that I could return to drinking with impunity. It had me convinced that I could drink like a normal drinker and rub shoulders with men of science and stature in society. I was convinced that by drinking as a normal social drinker, I could really be someone famous, wealthy, and very handsome. My brain had me convinced that I would be living in a castle, with women knocking at the gates crying for my love.
My Alcoholic Brain has me living in a castle sure enough. But my castle is a prison...Even as a free man. Tonight I will attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, to look at other alcoholics, and thank God I am not like them. I will then meet afterwards with my sponsor. What should I tell him? What he wants to hear? Probably. That's the way an alcoholic brain works...Remember...Dipsomania? That's me without alcohol...just another common drunk. Nothing really special about that.


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7:31 AM  
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Blogger Love Always Hopes said...

Thank you for sharing what goes on in your mind. I love hearing alcoholics share. Its helps me not take what my husband does so personal even when it feels so personal.
I like how you said that you don't want to hurt the ones you care and love but thats what happens when you have this disease.
I look forward to reading more of you blog.

8:40 PM  

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