My rollercoaster...

For the past 48 hours, my brain has been all over the place. I touched my fourth step awhile Saturday evening, and looked at some of my defects. Two people recently said to me, well, a fourth step isn't just looking at your liabilities, you can see your assets too. Well, I don't see any assets. I went back and read The Fourth Step in the 12x12 again, and I still see no mention of doing anything with assets.
I'm an emotional train wreck. It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake, but I pooped out about 7pm though too. I know a lot of what I am feeling has to do with chemicals and hormones. Seems to me I have been on Zoloft for 15 years, and I'm heading into week three without taking any. I was late on a hormone injection, but I'll get that Tuesday. Thank God! Some may be thinking why I'm not taking the Zoloft. I feel like I'm already on too much antidepressants medication. I want to get to know who I really am, and I want to get the meds down to a minimum. I think those medicines block feelings I need to feel, it order to get "weller." By volunteering at the Club tonight, I hope maybe the activity will do me some good. Sarcasm is rubbing me raw lately. It is just another form of anger. I find myself getting pissed at sick people and their remarks and I don't like it. I feel like grabbing their head and running it into a wall, then on their way down, help them up with a knee lift! Know what I mean? To be an alcoholic sometimes can really suck. Like right now. But I know things will get better as long as I don't drink. My program has to get that simple right now, Just don't drink. I can ill afford to pour gas on a fire. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense, but after writing it I feel a little better. "Keep it simple Billy, and don't drink no matter what." (DR Bob to Bill W.)