Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Baggage...

How many suit cases do I have? Too many. All of them used to be full. Full of pain, fear, loneliness, guilt, shame, failures, to name a few. The more I share these issues with another, and to God, the more is emptied out of each bag. They are heavy, too heavy to carry. I have to do another 4th and 5th Step yet, so hopefully I can at least empty most of the baggage. Some, if not all, I am able to give to God, or ask HIM to take it. Sometimes he takes away my troubles, sometimes I grab them back away from him. For it is my past that drives me so much. These are the goofy thoughts that produce goofy thinking that produces goofy behavior. I have fear today, but not a constant fear like the past. It's right there under the surface. It's like a balloon that I have blown up, now I let the air out slowly. Maybe someday my balloon will become flat, or maybe it will just pop. Either way, I have to ask God to remove these things.
I am still a baby in this program. If I had all the answers, I could save a drowning nation, and get rich selling a book about it. The only answer I have is to keep the plug in the jug and write, read, go to meetings, and use my sponsor. I was going to ask him the other day if any of the people he sponsors, ever calls him in the middle of the night. I forgot. I am curious though. I have had the urge to call several times a while back, but was afraid to. I managed to stay sober. I was having powerful cravings just to say fuck it and get drunk. That's when I would sit up, take notice and think things through. Look at what would be the consequences of drinking? All of my misery, fully refunded...Don't even want to go there. A fellow said yesterday he would come over and fix my alcoholic car. Still waiting. I guess God will get it fixed one way or another. My pride tells me not to bother people for rides to AA meetings. AH! God doesn't want my car fixed yet! That's it! HE wants me to ASK FOR HELP to get to meetings! See? I just had that thought! I love my God, but sometimes he can be a royal pain in the...nevermind. Ok, right now, I'm getting a phone number and calling for rides covering Tuesday and Thursday nights. Maybe Sunday evening too...Unlike you folks in the Big Cities in Blogland, this town isn't very big. We don't have meetings 24/7. If I had a big enough place like I did in another town I lived in, I would just open the doors 24/7 for alcoholics. I always had coffee on. Two pots!! But I had to stop that. The wet one started showing up and causing harm to myself and others....A lesson learned. What is it with alcoholics and this coffee fetish anyway? I drink this crap all day and bitch about..."I can't sleep"...Homer says, "D'oh!"

2 Comments:

Anonymous Mark W. said...

Ha! You just reminded me of a Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Goofy joke I could not repeat here lol. Anywayzzzz

For reasons I also won't repeat here, I've been getting rides to meetings for quite some time. Not as long as I'm sober - the license became invalid 9 years after my first meeting. I've worked long and hard to "fix" the difficulty that caused it and each time I've felt on the verge of having it solved, my life has taken an enormous turn in the wrong direction financially.

Finally, I said - that's it - this deal is all yours GOD. It still hasn't changed but it still might.

I get judged for it. Oh well... Though I also suffer from goofy thinking, I came to the conclusion, with the help of a couple of folks I trust, that since I put it in God's care, I needn't apologize for the situation anymore.

Oh - I know about baggage too :-)

9:36 AM  
Blogger Diego said...

Hey guys....looks like we have lots in common.....I own two bicycles and get around quite well and yes I do get my share of criticism but I think it matters to them more then it does to me.....and is that my problem or not?....Have a wonderful day.....

10:28 AM  

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