Concerning cracking up...

A good thing has happened, and I don't like it. I noticed it when I was checking spelling and looking for mistakes in my last post. I suddenly felt intense fear; I was frozen in time for a few minutes I didn't know what to do except sit here at my terminal and feel it. I'm running on half-empty, and bullshitting not AA, but not doing the painful job at really looking at myself. I have been standing still doing nothing to surrender to a Higher Power, and I don't know right now what that is other than this keyboard right now. I sat here with tears flowing and telling myself to get a fuckin' grip, but I'm too damn tired to hang on. Wait a second while I get this watery teary stuff off my glasses because I'm blind without them. I just corrected the word blind. I had put two i's in it instead of one. I would think I would not be blind with two i's. I am at Step three right now and this is the real deal. I am too tired to hang onto my pride, which is false, and this stuff about men don't cry has to go. Well, apparently it has left because I'm bawling like a new born calf. I have to stop here. I'll write more later. In 25 minutes, I'll have another 24, I better just hang onto that.