The key fit, the door opened a little...
Shall I go in? I have had a night like I can't remember when. Probably back in the late 1970s'.This past year has, well, been boolshit for the most part. I have been a phony, and I don't like it. My life is unmanageable, and I don't like it. I can't work right now and I don't like it. I'm drowning in debt, and I don't like it. I'm single and have no lover, and I don't like it. My car is broken, and I don't like it. The people I live with don't act the way I want them to, and I don't like it. I hate all of it. I have nothing left, and I hate it.This moment tonight, has given me the key.
For the first time ever, I got on my knees and said my own version of the Third Step prayer, without somebody asking me to do that with them. I couldn't find my Big Book, because I haven't read it for months. I must have said the right things. The pain I had in my stomach is no longer. I know I'm out of control, yet, I feel a calm control that is not me. It's hard to explain. My internal being is somewhat relaxed and at ease, and I feel safe and have no fear. I am wary that fear will return, I am willing to be armed when it does. What has happened tonight was real. I did not hallucinate. While praying on my knees, I felt something brush my arm, and there was nothing there. Something good is happening. I did manage to find my 12x12 and I read the Third Step. I will read it again, and again. It's odd. I understood everything in that chapter. I do have a willingness to let all my shit go, and to let God run my life. I will do my best to understand HIS will for me. HE told me a little bit tonight. I hope he gives me the juice to do those things HE wants me to do.
I have this feeling to help others, and I know I must do that constantly.
That is the only thing left for me to do. I just can't do anything else right now. I almost feel like going to the local jail or hospital and ask them if they have an alcoholic I can work on. I must feel like a born again Christian that wants to spread the good news, regardless of how many doors are slammed in his face. My self-centeredness, go away, be gone, buh bye!Boy, do I have a topic for tomorrows Big Book study meeting. Well, I have been telling people that things are so grand in my life. It is such a great feeling to realize I'm full of it. Garbage in, garbage out. I like this praying stuff. I usually don't sincerely talk about that. But then again, I haven't been very sincere at all much...I still love you guys/gals. You all are still here. Imagine that! What a spiritual kick in the head for me...Maybe I can get weller? I haven't had this much willingness since 1979.
For the first time ever, I got on my knees and said my own version of the Third Step prayer, without somebody asking me to do that with them. I couldn't find my Big Book, because I haven't read it for months. I must have said the right things. The pain I had in my stomach is no longer. I know I'm out of control, yet, I feel a calm control that is not me. It's hard to explain. My internal being is somewhat relaxed and at ease, and I feel safe and have no fear. I am wary that fear will return, I am willing to be armed when it does. What has happened tonight was real. I did not hallucinate. While praying on my knees, I felt something brush my arm, and there was nothing there. Something good is happening. I did manage to find my 12x12 and I read the Third Step. I will read it again, and again. It's odd. I understood everything in that chapter. I do have a willingness to let all my shit go, and to let God run my life. I will do my best to understand HIS will for me. HE told me a little bit tonight. I hope he gives me the juice to do those things HE wants me to do.
I have this feeling to help others, and I know I must do that constantly.
That is the only thing left for me to do. I just can't do anything else right now. I almost feel like going to the local jail or hospital and ask them if they have an alcoholic I can work on. I must feel like a born again Christian that wants to spread the good news, regardless of how many doors are slammed in his face. My self-centeredness, go away, be gone, buh bye!Boy, do I have a topic for tomorrows Big Book study meeting. Well, I have been telling people that things are so grand in my life. It is such a great feeling to realize I'm full of it. Garbage in, garbage out. I like this praying stuff. I usually don't sincerely talk about that. But then again, I haven't been very sincere at all much...I still love you guys/gals. You all are still here. Imagine that! What a spiritual kick in the head for me...Maybe I can get weller? I haven't had this much willingness since 1979.
posted by Alcoholic Brain | 12:17 AM
1 Comments:
Surrender can be so rewarding. I hope you have hit a bottom, and now you can working your way out of your current situation, one thing at a time, one day at a time.
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