Letting go...

Sure was a great meeting last night, and a wonderful thing happened after I got home. I felt as if I was holding onto something that I couldn't see nor define. I just felt tense...? Whatever these hangups were that I couldn't define or see, I felt a powerful need to "let go."
So that's what I did. I just found myself flat on my back repeating the words, "let go" over and over...Suddenly I found myself free, and with a peace I haven't felt in years. I am clueless as to what really happened to me. All I can say is that it happened, and it was very real. A new freedom perhaps...Whatever issue I was hanging onto, I can only say I must have been holding on too tight. I am beginning to see what true letting go is. It is just beautiful, and nearly impossible to put into words what true letting go is for me. I believe I am beginning to totally trust my Higher Power. I guess I'll just leave it at that and not analyze or monkey with it. I pray you all can experience the ecstasy that true letting go brings. Thanks for another 24 hours without the need, desire, or the thought, to pick up a drink. That in itself for me is truly a miracle.

Rest...

Sheesh, I have gone too long between posts. I have been busy as of late and pushing myself rather hard, both mentally and physically. I have re-injured my back, and I hope it settles down soon. Pain pills are not my favorite thing. But I know what I would do to manage the pain if I currently didn't have them. I would drink. I have tried to manage back pain in the past with alcohol, and did fail miserably. I think it was Saint Paul who said something like, "I can do all things through God, who strengthens me." My mess is not realizing that when I'm pushing too hard, God wants me to REST, and recharge my batteries through HIM. I cannot expect God to give me the strength to go 24/7. I am sober today, and I am happy for that. It's nice not to have those gawd awful hangovers today, among other bothersome symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. Thanks for another 24 hours...

Roxxanne...

Even Roxxanne, when nearly asleep and falling off of the couch, reminds me to read the 12 x 12...It contains the principles that I MUST live by.

A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature,
which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and
enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.
A.A.'s Twelve Traditions apply to the life of the Fellowship itself. They
outline the means by which A.A. maintains its unity and relates itself to the
world about it, the way it lives and grows.

From the Forward, of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

God answers...

My friend has survived. It's amazing to watch such skilled doctors and nurses do their thing in the emergency room and the Intensive Care Unit, not to mention the EMT crew. I knew that God was working through them, because not only did my friend live, they just got home from the hospital. They are feeling a bit out-of-sorts, but they are home. Since I know the dose of meds taken, I know that God stepped in and decided to save this one. What a beautiful thing. The Higher Power worked hard for a reason to save a life unfinished. I pray my friend comes to realize the reasons why they didn't die, and that they still have work to do here on Earth. Thanks for all the prayers. Love,
AB.

We even try suicide...

Last night I'm sitting at home and the phone rings at 11pm. The caller is someone who is struggling to stay sober. Many AA's won't go talk with a drinking alcoholic, but I do recall Tradition 3. They were asking for help, so I paid a visit. Being forgetful, I forgot my cigs in my car, so I went back outside to get them. While outside, my friend took a massive overdose of psychiatric medication. It reacted so quickly, my friend was in a coma before the medics arrived. They are now in Intensive Care, on a ventilator, and still comatose. Please pray for my friend. I'm going now back to the hospital and pray my butt off, and read to them. I know those in a coma can still hear. Thank God for another 24 hours. God bless you for doing the beautiful things you all do. I love my blogger friends. AB.

About my depression...

It appears that I can get so full of myself that I lock others out. Since I'm all I think about it's no wonder that I do these things to myself and fill up with self pity. Keeping others at a distance protects that pity pot that has become so comfortable for me to sit on. I can sit on that pot all day without even as much as a newspaper to read. Yesterday and today are slightly better. This disease is cunning and very sly.

HAPPY EASTER!

Wishing you all the best on this day...

Darkness...

Those of you who have been reading my blog this past year plus, know I have bouts of moderate to severe depression. Tonight after an AA meeting I thought I would feel better. Yet I find myself increasing isolated and lonely. I am in a very dark place in my head. The head (Brain) that wants me dead. I have dropped one antidepressant, and doubled the dose of another one. Maybe that's it. I'm in that dark place where I see no future and see my self dying alone in a one bedroom apartment. The good thing about today, is that I have had no thoughts of suicide, and I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink. Maybe tomorrow will bring sunshine to my brain. There must be a reason why I am still here. I am just a sober drunk doing the best I can today, because today is all I have.

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Page 63, AA Big Book