Personal inventory...

It amazes me how people take the inventory of others in AA. I wish they would grow up,  and just take enough time to read about the 12 traditions and the 12 steps of AA. I read a neat line in another alcoholic blog, that puts it in a nut shell for me.  An old timer in AA made a comment about another AA member, a new comer, to the new comers face. This old timer was taking the inventory of the new comer. The new comer responded by saying, "Stop crapping in my pants...I can do that myself!"...Oh dude, excellent comeback!


I recently went to a person's home in AA, who was recovering from surgery just two days prior. A good friend of mine said they were taking an AA meeting to this person, who was laid-up and couldn't get out. So I tagged along. There were only five of us, and it was awesome. I enjoy small intimate meetings like that. It is very easy for me to hide in larger organized meetings. I know that I have earned my seat in AA. But still to this day, I don't feel as others in AA appear to feel. I feel sicker, and that I'm not as "well" as others. Maybe my "self-extreme" needs improving...Or maybe I'm comfortable feeling shitty about myself? AHHA!!

Cure for boredom...

Sometimes late at night I have difficulty sleeping. Probably because I have no pain meds. I think my leg is frozen solid from being on so much ice. Right now I find myself bored and kinda getting down on my "bad self." So what I have found helpful is to do a Step 10, pray, and then maybe get creative...So, enjoy your new mouse pointer while you visit...Sometimes I just like to play...

The ink is black, the page is white...

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. (page 64, Alcoholics Anonymous basic text) Alcoholics are black or white thinkers. To explore the gray is key. Now this is cool!! This was an eye opener for me years ago. I just ran out of people, places and things to get drunk at. But I still got drunk. Only once did I over come the spiritual malady! I had nearly thirteen years without a drink/drug! The outcome was predictable when I gave up being a spiritual being. Then, I just got "dry." Then, it wasn't long and I was soaking wet on John Barleycorn again. I do believe we are spiritual beings in human form. Our spirit is eternal, we are not. We, the physical is but a vessel. Sometimes I do enjoy my vessel, and especially with another vessel. My point is, my will which is struggling to regain control, can only gain control by getting away from my spiritual world. When my will is running the show, history shows, time and time again, that my life turns into fecal material run rampant. With that I take out eight to ten others with me on a hell bent path.

So I approach each day by checking out any resentments I may have. I don't have any. I cannot afford to have any. I'm dead if I do. Period. I have dealt with all of my major resentments through a fourth step, done in the 1980's. The "here on Earth" type resentments. Today, my insecurities and my fears cause all of my resentments. It has nothing at all to do with other people, places or things. It is in how I act or react. I have a choice today. They last about one to three minutes, anymore. Then I always realize it is because of how spiritually sick I am. Bottom line.

Good Times, Bad Times...

Good song. This evening, my back and leg pain is as severe as it was in 2003. I had two surgeries that year, and was on hillbilly heroin for eight months. I've had four pain pills and have TENS unit electrodes up and down my leg...The unit is on full blast. No comfort at all. I'm about ready to call a friend to go to the hospital and get some morphine. Maybe a Demerol Cocktail. Oxycontin Milkshake, with a Librium Latte' back. This chronic pain can make a person crazy. I was almost placed in Trembling Hills Hospital for the terminally nervous last week by a mental health professional. I guess they thought I was a bit off kilter. Shit, I am off kilter. What ever "kilter" is...In Scotland I would be naked from the waist down I suppose. The good thing is I did take in two AA meetings yesterday, but I pushed myself too hard today...And I'm really paying for it...sober.