This battle of wills...

This battle of wills, is it ever over? Maybe when the doctor says..."Time of death..." I have heard that a lot in the ER. Busting your ass for an hour; Blood, sweat and snot flying every where; syringes, gauze, tape, electrodes, defib pads all over the floor trying to save a life that's probably all ready gone. Alcohol/Meth overdose. After 50 minutes of CPR and squeezing an Ambu bag, injecting every emergency cardiac drug known to man, the MD is still silent. I want to hit him. "Call it!" I say to myself, stealing angry glances at the doctor. That God playing SOB. It's over. I go home and crawl into a bottle of whiskey. I have lived scenes like this many times.

Thy will, not mine, be done. So it is said, let it be written, and it is. So why then do people like me want to run our own lives? I want to arrange the stage with players and props the way I see fit. I want my play to be the biggest box office hit in the history of modern cinema. It never works, even when I think it does...Or that I did it. I made it happen. I have come to discover that I have little to do with anything. I am not in charge like I thought I was. So much of my life has been a result of my distorted thinking and resulting conduct. The wreckage has been of my own making. Today, I will let my higher power drive for a while. My hands hurt from holding onto the steering wheel the way I have...

A very cool Twelve Step Site

The Jaywalker Twelve Step Site

Life is too damn short...

I went to a friends house last night. Thursday night is movie night, so I took a few of my movies over. We watched "Men of Honor" and "My Name is Bill W." I really like both movies. I don't find recovery such a struggle anymore. I suppose that I get tired of people who say I should do this or that, in reference to my "program." Hints to what I should be doing. Well, I can say "I got my mind right boss." I am thinking steps and recovery constantly in my head. Nothing is confusing. Dr Bob, at the end of the movie says "keep it simple, and don't drink, no matter what." I believe I will adhere to that advise. I also live with another stigma...Back pain. It is a subjective injury, so people can't, or won't see, how debilitating the pain can be...So, I get judged that way too. On the 24th of this month, I will find out if there is a surgical fix for my back, if not, then I will demand that I be retired. I also take mental health type of medicine. My therapist wanted me to take the five classes on addiction I need to work in the counseling field again. Yesterday, I had an appointment with her, and laid out all the truth about that. I have been on antidepressants since the age of 15, and I am now in my 50's. I have been told for over 20 years that I have to stay on this medicine, in order to function. Now, being on psychotropics, there is no counseling agency that would hire me. They don't hire folks who have to take "mood-altering" chemicals.
So, now we are looking at what I want to be when I grow up. This will take time, something I don't have a lot of. None of us do. Life is too short and can be taken away in the blink of an eye. In the ambulance business I saw it far too many times. I have always had this fantasy of living life as if I had only 24 hours to live. I think that is an ideal not often attained. I do have some dreams, like love. Love, the most powerful thing known. I have it, and I want to give it away. The neat thing, (and I'm not talking sexual love here) is that I can love all of my friends with equal intensity and I will have lost nothing! I love my friends, but for me, I feel the need to tell them more about it, and behave that way more. Don't misunderstand...I dig sexual love too...When it's right. Keep it simple, keep it simple, and don't drink no matter what...

Lady Friends...

One lady in particular...Over the past two weeks, I have shared much of my story with this friend, it was like doing a fifth step. I am less afraid to share with her, than men friends, because macho guys don't share feelings and sad stories usually. Unless you saw "Brokeback Mountain," and I haven't...Yet. So many times I have shared my stuff with people and what I disclosed was ultimately used against me. Emotional blackmail I call it. Trust turned to betrayal. People in recovery that can't keep their mouths shut about other peoples problems really piss me off. I know they do it to make themselves feel better, but why do it in a room full of people!!?? Example: Why must a man spill personal stuff about an old girlfriend. By my definition, that isn't love, and never was. Anyway, back to my lady friend. She has been an inspiration to me over the years. I admire the work she does with other women in AA, and the service work she does. She reminds me of the old me. Now, I'm just old. But I'm sober today, and that's what matters most. I wouldn't trade this woman's friendship for anything. Trust is hard to find these days. At least it is for me, having been betrayed so often. This person is a rarity, and I'm gonna hold onto this friendship with both hands...I have to, if I want to recover the right way...

Wake me up, when September ends...

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds good right now. My body feels like it has been hit by a Mack truck. So many injuries acting up; my back and shoulder. My heart is doing strange things too. Sexual troubles, hormone injections, allergic reactions....The list goes on. The years of alcohol and drug abuse are catching up with me. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up after eight hours. I'd like to wake up the first day of summer. Still clean and sober these days, yet my pride is still showing as feeble as it is. I still try to do things my way. Being depressed is easy because it makes it easier when things don't go the way I want them to go. Just blame it on my ongoing poor luck huh? Yep. I tried to get a relationship going recently, and fell flat on my face with that attempt. So, I do what I do best...Isolate and eat my pain meds, and lick my wounds. Go to doctor appointments and listen to the same old shit. It all seems so senseless. Pointless. All I wanna do is stay clean and sober, fall in love and eat pizza and popcorn...And talk, and talk and talk...