The Mental Twist...

For the past couple of weeks, my sponsor and I have been discussing the mental twist that happens before an alcoholic/addict attends to another spree. I have had a few sprees and the roles I have played are quite remarkable. One moved me to another country, and another one landed me 3,000 miles from home. I am going to have to do a lot of writing. Sort of, authoring a play, if you will. I do know for a fact that if I do not work the steps and go to meetings, I will not be able to interrupt one of these twistings of cognition. Relapse starts long before one picks up a drink or a drug. I have to go see my "paid friend" in the morning. I look forward to that most of the time...But sometimes getting healthy hurts a little. False pride is a huge cumbersome pill to swallow. But it can be swallowed...I know...

I am nothing without...

I recall a book titled something like "Why Do I Feel Like Nothing Without a Man?" Looking at the symptoms of codependency, I can say "I am one." When I look at where I have been getting my positive strokes, the demand is more than the supply. In other words, I need more positive feedback, rather than getting it from a girlfriend. Humans need positive strokes from many sources. I have been this way since 1990 following divorcing my second wife. I have made a decision to not engage in a relationship, but it is difficult to change this old behavior. Nights are really bad. I often feel consumed with loneliness, and negative self talk creeps in. So, look at the time, and I don't want to go to sleep. I am not use to being a single type of guy. It is going to take some extensive soul searching to understand why it is I function better when I am in a relationship. I would be a liar saying I do not miss a sexual relationship, but that really isn't it either. I think it is more of an intimacy factor. The last relationship I was in, the lady knew everything about me, and I had nothing to hide, and our relationship was hangup free. It's cool to be able to be yourself with someone. I am not getting any younger...Am I trying to justify putting myself back on "the market" for a relationship? Maybe. Who doesn't want to be loved by someone? I do, but I have to remember that my own recovery is my priority. Without it, a relationship wouldn't be a very pretty place...Another "24" today!!

Symptoms of Codependence

Symptoms of Codependence: