Alcoholic Brain

Hi and thanks for visiting. I have an alcoholic brain. I will try to post comments daily about how this alcoholic brain functions.
Sober date: October 4th, 2005.

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Location: West Coast, United States

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

A looping resentment...

After 17 months of keeping a blog, and writing a lot of very personal stuff, by using a real ball point pen, I have discovered the resentment that is the primary cause that leads to that mental twist that precedes my next spree. In the late 70's till the early 90's I was clean and sober, and had completed the steps, was attending maintenance meetings and doing 12 step work. Also during that time, I was seeing a psychiatrist once a week for 10 years, and I was able to work through a lot of childhood issues. This was with good insurance, because without it, I would have had to pay $110.00 per session. Back then I truly was happy, joyous and free. By 1988 I had to walk out of my marriage, due to the active addiction of alcohol and drugs going on. This is the root of my problem. I felt very guilty for not sticking to my vows, that I made to her and God. In 1996, we attempted a reconciliation, to the point of even moving in together. But I still had not worked on or through my feelings of failure and all that goes with that. She was still chippin'(controlled drinking)and I know that it bothered me. So I see now that this attempt to reconcile was doomed from the start. It had a synergistic affect, 1+1=5. For the first time in 18 years, I have discovered the resentment that I have handled by acting out with inappropriate behavior, alcohol and drug abuse, addiction. I was going to go to the Club after I met with my sponsor today, but it was all I could do to drive home, and collapse on my bed in projectile tears. I cried until I fell asleep and slept till 7:30pm.
Even though I'm feeling a ton of pain, I feel a sense of hope too. I know, and have faith that I can work through this. So for me, this is the one resentment I was looking for.
I have to forgive myself, and my ex-wife. I am happy we are still friends. After I finish this step four,(this week) and the others, I have some amends to make. I find myself in a zone today that has no room for pride. I am ready to hand over to God my old tool box, that is full of tools that try to kill me. My gut tells me a life-saving change is about to happen...I have no fear about it either...That's odd....

3 Comments:

Blogger Christine said...

its hard work but keep on keepin on

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Mark W. said...

Brain,

I hear ya' - oh boy - do I! Yet, thankfully, I'm here to tell you that (ooooh, you're gonna hate this) this too shall pass. (I knew you'd hate that)

Been there, done that. Except for the attempt at reconciliation. That's a whole 'nuther story...

You are NOT alone! I know about the tears! I know about the pain! I understand the need for the total lack of pride and I also understand the lack of fear. A life saving change? Yep - and my suggestion is to embrace it!

8:09 AM  
Blogger Sober Chick said...

I know this feeling of change you speak of. It is serene, and allows you to breath, and smile uncontrolably -- it is this feeling created by being connected to God and trusting it.

May this continue to bloom along your path . . .

12:36 PM  

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