Hell week...

Had my neck surgery last week. I guess it went ok, I was asleep so I'm not positive. I was only in the hospital one night. I'm a cranky patient. I usually want out the day after surgeries. This was my fourth spine surgery, and I always demand to get out the next day. Something about having a tube in my hangy-down-pink-part that really pisses me off. I feel myself entering into a dark depression, but this isn't anything new for me. I've dealt with it all my life. I am longing to live in the country again. I don't like the traffic in the city. So now I embark on a journey as a single person. I have found I cannot rely on people anymore. The good thing is this situation is forcing me to seek out my Higher Power more often. Yesterday it was every five minutes. I know there is a God there someplace. I just haven't got this conscious contact thing with God down pat yet. History shows me that in less than a week, I will want to sink an ice pick into my head. That fantasy will pass. This is routine for me and a serious flaw in my thinking. I'm angry.

I am looking for answers in a world that doesn't say much. So I will keep my mouth shut. Perhaps it would behoove me to close my eyes and "listen" more to what it has to say. I have to grasp that it is "Thy will, not mine, be done." This hasn't been an easy task for this self-centered, selfish, screw-everybody-else, it's all about me, alcoholic. I am a physical and emotional train wreck today. I suppose the good thing is I don't have to pick up a drink over it. Sorry. I'm just in a shiatty mood. I'll be over it with a little time. Ok everybody. Just for today don't take a drink. Regardless of what may happen in your life.