Moment of Clarity...

Around 1:00pm today, I was trying to be cool. In the sense that we have had a sudden increase in weather changes. This is a very seasonal part of the USA and it unusually hot for May. Around 100 or more degrees F. Anyway I was watching TV, and sitting back in my recliner and just started crying, and I couldn't stop for almost 30 minutes. I feel overwhelmed with all of my issues, and just broke down today. Not just my back and skin pain, financial issues, shoulder pain, an inability to drive my car...The list goes on and on. There was a time when I was very good about helping people in my type of situation by developing a treatment plan. That consists of defining the problem. I'll just throw this out as a sample. 1.Problem:Back pain. 2.Objective:Relieve back pain. Plan:Refer to MD, spine specialist. Time Element:See Medical provider within one week.


I can't seem to apply this to my own life. I am feeling stuck. I should get back into therapy for my brain. When I try to share how I feel, I am at least so far met with two things. 1. One-upmanship. Whatever problem I have, the person I am talking to has had, or have it worse. 2.Avoidance by comparison. It goes something like this..."Well, I know so and so with that problem and they're fine." These accomplish one thing. Nothing, except make me feel worse about myself. I would rather just have somebody listen, and say nothing...Or maybe touch my hand and offer some assurance. The, "hey, I'm here dude." That kind of communication does more for me than anything. I suppose that's why I like my sponsor so much. He has that way of saying hey dude I'm here. He doesn't say much, but reflects and his eyes twinkle. That sends me a message of hope, when I'm feeling hopeless, like I was today. Hopelessness about an unmanageable life. Step One and Two things. I think it was a good thing for me to break down bawling like a baby today. I sure feel better having done so. I shared a lot of my feelings with the mother cat and the kittens during my crying episode. All of them got up in the chair with me. Some slept, some played, one was licking my big toe. They just listened to me. What a beautiful thing. It hurts to wear clothes, so I'm gonna do the Blue Ridge Mountain thing for a while. The bib overalls. I have an AA meeting to go to at 6pm tonight. I have to remember that it is an AA meeting and just that. A meeting. It's not a fashion show. Although I often wonder what it would be like to strut the catwalk with flash cameras going off all over the place...Well why don't I email Christy Brinkley and ask her what it was like?