Chronic pain and recovery...
If I ever get that one figured out, I'll let you know. I learned the hard way to keep my mouth shut about having to take pain medication. Some in AA are more than willing to opine concerning the rules of recovery. I have been given advice by several people in AA, concerning seeking an alternative way to deal with my pain. I have been told I'm not sober. I know lots of people who take magic pills in AA, I have to wonder if they have ever been told that their recovery is moot? Probably. I shared my feelings about it in a meeting recently about what others say about medication use, and an old-timer with 37 years of sobriety said, "Fuck them. There's nothing in the book about that."
I felt better after getting that off of my chest. Staying sober with chronic physical pain, is certainly not taking an easier softer way. If I were able to drive, do my laundry etc, I would be going to more meetings I'm sure. Being financially strapped all the time isn't making things easier either. I have to find a place to park my car, because the tags are expired. I have no auto insurance anyway.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very important to me. There's a fella who volunteers at the local AA Club that I like a lot and he drops by from time to time to just shoot the breeze. He makes me laugh he is so funny. One day out of the blue he says, "I'm gonna relapse when I'm 84." Pearls of wisdom fall from his lips. I have been out of my antidepressants for a few days and I can already tell the difference. This friend is going to run me around tomorrow to pay bills and get meds, food, etc...
Upon awakening, I sit on my bed and go through my head the things I'm grateful for. That's about all I can do, until I have a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then another cup of coffee and another cigarette. Then I start to wake up. Yesterday afternoon I laid down on my bed and was reading one of the personal stories in the AA Big Book(one that I could really relate to)and I fell asleep, waking up two hours later with drool as a bookmark. I really like my sponsor a lot too. He is one of the constants in my life. I can always count on him. He never misses a beat. He follows up with what he says. He is very punctual. He is one of my "rocks" in recovery. I have two other "rocks" too, both guys. These folks keep me grounded. They lead by humility. Never offering polished advice, nor am I bombed with "you need, or you should bla, bla, bla." I believe they know I do not react well to direct "in your face confrontation."
I have had three injuries that have required a surgical fix. The funny thing is I was never under the influence when I hurt myself. In 1979 I tore my right collar bone away from my shoulder, so now I only have one stitch holding my shoulder together. The next step that year to fix my shoulder was to have a collar bone replacement, with one made of Dacron. The material used in making football helmets. But I never went back to get that done. I just went away, drinking wine, smoking pot, eating acid, mescaline, speed, and penicillin for the occasional STD. That was back in the days of the "hippie." We loved everybody back then. Now for the past several months, my shoulder has been hurting constantly. It appears I should have followed my doctors orders back then. I know in my guts, something is going to have to be done with my shoulder. Maybe I'll get that football helmet after all. Even with the opiate I'm taking for pain now doesn't help. But dose wise, I am taking a small dose. After my second back surgery, I was on 85mg of this stuff daily. Today, after my third surgery, 30mg is the maximum I take in one day. That's a good thing I think. I had knee surgery once, but that hasn't bothered me much at all. Maybe a little stiffness during the winter months.
Today, I don't have the luxury to drink my pain away. I know that's what I did in the past. I had fears back then too, and drank to erase my fears. But if alcohol has taught me one thing, it's how to be afraid. I do know that with a little time, my body will be put back together and I can again join the human race.
I'll write more in a little while...
I felt better after getting that off of my chest. Staying sober with chronic physical pain, is certainly not taking an easier softer way. If I were able to drive, do my laundry etc, I would be going to more meetings I'm sure. Being financially strapped all the time isn't making things easier either. I have to find a place to park my car, because the tags are expired. I have no auto insurance anyway.
I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very important to me. There's a fella who volunteers at the local AA Club that I like a lot and he drops by from time to time to just shoot the breeze. He makes me laugh he is so funny. One day out of the blue he says, "I'm gonna relapse when I'm 84." Pearls of wisdom fall from his lips. I have been out of my antidepressants for a few days and I can already tell the difference. This friend is going to run me around tomorrow to pay bills and get meds, food, etc...
Upon awakening, I sit on my bed and go through my head the things I'm grateful for. That's about all I can do, until I have a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then another cup of coffee and another cigarette. Then I start to wake up. Yesterday afternoon I laid down on my bed and was reading one of the personal stories in the AA Big Book(one that I could really relate to)and I fell asleep, waking up two hours later with drool as a bookmark. I really like my sponsor a lot too. He is one of the constants in my life. I can always count on him. He never misses a beat. He follows up with what he says. He is very punctual. He is one of my "rocks" in recovery. I have two other "rocks" too, both guys. These folks keep me grounded. They lead by humility. Never offering polished advice, nor am I bombed with "you need, or you should bla, bla, bla." I believe they know I do not react well to direct "in your face confrontation."
I have had three injuries that have required a surgical fix. The funny thing is I was never under the influence when I hurt myself. In 1979 I tore my right collar bone away from my shoulder, so now I only have one stitch holding my shoulder together. The next step that year to fix my shoulder was to have a collar bone replacement, with one made of Dacron. The material used in making football helmets. But I never went back to get that done. I just went away, drinking wine, smoking pot, eating acid, mescaline, speed, and penicillin for the occasional STD. That was back in the days of the "hippie." We loved everybody back then. Now for the past several months, my shoulder has been hurting constantly. It appears I should have followed my doctors orders back then. I know in my guts, something is going to have to be done with my shoulder. Maybe I'll get that football helmet after all. Even with the opiate I'm taking for pain now doesn't help. But dose wise, I am taking a small dose. After my second back surgery, I was on 85mg of this stuff daily. Today, after my third surgery, 30mg is the maximum I take in one day. That's a good thing I think. I had knee surgery once, but that hasn't bothered me much at all. Maybe a little stiffness during the winter months.
Today, I don't have the luxury to drink my pain away. I know that's what I did in the past. I had fears back then too, and drank to erase my fears. But if alcohol has taught me one thing, it's how to be afraid. I do know that with a little time, my body will be put back together and I can again join the human race.
I'll write more in a little while...
posted by Alcoholic Brain | 10:27 PM
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