Alcoholic Brain

Passion and balance...

2010-12-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Last week a friend in AA and I went Walleye fishing and caught our limits over the three days we spent in his cabin on the lake. This is a 10 pound fish. The smallest fish I saw caught was 5.5 pounds. Walleye is great eating. It was cold, but we had a blast! This would have never happened if I were drinking. I am grateful to be sober and working on balance in my life. Fishing is something I'm passionate about! Hope you all have a sober December! Love, AB.

Gratitude Month...

2010-11-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

In AA November is known as Gratitude Month. Ok I'm grateful I'm still sober and celebrated 5 years sober last October. Also in October I had my 5th back surgery. I am grateful I have medical insurance to cover all my issues. I wish I could say that life is 99% beautiful and wonderful for me but it's not. I'm still trying to learn how to roll with the punches of life and my tendency to implement my will rather than God's will. I will concede that I am getting better at that. Progress is good and I will never achieve perfection. I live in the same place with the same lady who now has two years plus, sober. Drama for the most part has vanished. I hope that you all enjoy this Thanksgiving day, and take the time to count your "gratitude's." Until next time America! And remember if you give AA a try to quit drinking, you just might never, ever, feel the need drink again. AB.

The New Year

2010-01-16T18:34:00.000-08:00

I am really slacking as far as keeping this blog up to date. I managed to make it through the holidays without too much damage. The household managed to stay sober. We had a Christmas with a tree, decorations, lights inside the house and out. There were a lot of presents under the tree. My first year sober, I didn't do Christmas. Instead I went to the Alano Club and ate Christmas dinner with other alcoholics. This year, I managed to stop by the Club and say hi to all and celebrate the holiday at home with those I love. By far it was the best holiday since getting clean and sober. Recovery for me isn't easy as I have conflicts going on that I am trying to accept and adjust to. Selfishness, and self-centeredness is not easy for me to overcome. Having to place the needs of others as more important than some of my own isn't easy. As the Big Book of AA says on page 62, "Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making."

I am in the process of putting the needs of others first, in this situation. This means I have to lean on my Higher Power for help. I will get my needs met if I can stick with absolute reliance on my God.

I believe I read that somewhere...I hope you all had a sober and safe holiday. I wish you all a wonderful new year to come. AB.

Gratitude month...

2009-11-30T23:55:00.000-08:00

November is gratitude month. At 4 plus years sober, I'm feeling a very real gratitude at times. I spoke with the lady I live with last night and was in tears telling her how grateful I was to be considered family by her and her daughter. I have a handful of real friends in AA too. Real friends. I didn't have any of those when I was drinking...Well, maybe one or two. They usually wanted something...like sex or money or both. Some just wanted to drink my booze so they wouldn't have to buy it or they were broke...I am truly grateful that LP and SP love me as well as my real friends. Today I am free from the bondage of self. Today I give, instead of take. My God loves me and wants me sober so I can spread His good news.

October 4th, AA Birthday...

2009-10-09T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have had little to do with this, but on the 4th of this month I had 4 years without the need to drink. dAAve hit it when he reminded me that I just had to be "willing" to do some of the suggestions that AA has to offer. I have been doing that, and it is working for now, day by day. That's all I have, a day at a time. Year three was rough. My father and sister both passed away, and I miss them. I often have nightmares about my sisters death, as I saw her die. I hope these troublesome things pass. I know they will, as long as I remain willing to work toward staying sober and trusting my Higher Power at all times. I wish things were different at home, but I'm just giving into selfish desires concerning that. I went to two meetings in a row this week. Both Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I don't do that often. I enjoyed both meetings. I enjoy any AA meeting I attend. I didn't like AA for a long time. That has changed. For that I am grateful.

I pray you are all doing well. I am much less depressed. AB.

I have been away...

2009-09-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

Well dAAve, I am still here. I backed off the blog thing for a while, thinking I was burnt out. The truth is I have been in a deep depression. I was first treated for depression at age 15. It is something that has haunted me my whole life. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I seem to nose dive. What I have learned is that I don't have to drink over it today. But it does have some negative ramifications, like snapping and being a jerk to those I love and care deeply about. I am slow to do Step 10. My Alcoholic Brain still tells me things that are not true. Sometimes it appears I believe it's lies, causing hurt to others...Then they react.

Thanks for the comment dAAve. It might just make me do the things that helped me a lot in recovery and that is posting more often on my blog.

I am still sober and today is another day. It looks like I have an AA birthday next month. If I can do God's will, maybe I will have that birthday.

Summer's here...and summer not...

2009-06-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

Still sober, my roommate Lonnie and myself. Fishing season has started and I have been making ready for it. I haven't many fishing buddies. The boat needs a minor adjustment. The proper mounting of my Eagle fishfinder. Probably do that tomorrow. Attended three meetings this week. For the past two months I have been thinking about getting out of the valley and moving to Mexico, but that has been my pattern of thinking for past acute relapse episodes. Like when I moved to Vancouver Island, British Columbia Canada, in 2004. Getting out and camping and fishing really boosts my spiritual self. I hope to do a lot of it this season. I need it.

I think I'll lay low for a while right here. Moving right now would be a bad idea. I still feel terribly lonesome sometimes, but that's ok. It tells me who I am at this point in my recovery. I may get discouraged, but I won't give up before the miracle.

Thanks for visiting and thanks for not smoking while here. Behave yourselves. AB.

Calm assertive...

2009-03-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Sounds like The Dog Whisperer. My roommate and I are still sober, and especially over the past several days, have become more open concerning intimate communication. The common ground we have is a strong love and respect for each other. It doesn't get much better than that.

I am grateful for my roommate and her progress in the God given program of recovery.

I am grateful for many things...

Today...

2009-02-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

I am happy everybody is sober in the house today. Still, I haven't started my second fourth step yet. I talked to my sponsor today about the brain following a relapse. I have relapsed many times over the years. A friend recently relapsed and is facing a possible divorce. This person's binges are getting closer together and their cognitive thought process shows increased deficits. It's sad, but at least they are not drinking today. I can relate to all of this, having relapsed so much since the early 90's. Things are never the same, and I will expect changing tides day by day. My roommate and I are getting along well. I think life will be good as long as I don't drink. I'm having episodes of intense loneliness, having lost my dad and only sister this past year. I miss my family. I have found that I'm just not doing the simple things in the program of recovery that makes recovery better. Like meditation and prayer. Gotta start doing more of the simple things to take some of my stress away. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for not smoking while here. AB.

Grateful for today.

Changing roles, renewed Step 4, Family roles...

2009-01-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, my roommate is home from treatment. She is like family to me. Everyone in an alcoholic home play certain roles, like the lost child, caretaker, scapegoat, and the hero. I have found that I have had to change roles. I have always known that though. Alcoholics really don't like change much, so I don't like it, but I know I have to change my role because if I don't then it opens the door to "unwitting sabotage." Family members cannot see the reasons they have to change. However, they must change. This unwitting sabotage causes too many alcoholics to relapse following treatment. The family too often is in denial of the need for family treatment, or even Alanon meetings. The alcoholic, when drinking causes the family to develop roles that make the family appear normal to people outside the family. When the alcoholic gets sober, the family roles are threatened. I am grateful that I knew my role would change at home concerning her. It gives myself and her a better chance of staying sober a day at a time in AA.
I have decided to do another 4Th Step and will begin that very soon. I got after my sponsor last night after the meeting to get on me about working some Steps and holding me more accountable where my recovery is concerned. I have been sober more than three years and have found myself lax in my program. That's not a good thing. Alcohol, nor alcoholism never take any time off. It is there waiting for me to screw up my program.

I am grateful today for having a place to live. It is starting to feel like a home again.

I am grateful for my roommate. For some reason her being here makes me want to be a better person.

I am grateful for my friend/sponsor who is always there for me no matter what.

I am grateful to have food to eat.

I am grateful to be in a position to help other alcoholics. I am hooked on alcoholics.

I am grateful for today. I am much happier.

I am grateful for our dog Roxy.

Thanks for visiting and all of you please behave yourselves, and thank you for not smoking while here. TeeHee. AB.

It's differen't...

2009-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

Made a trip to pick up my roommate from a six month treatment center. The drive over the mountain passes were scary as the weather pounded them with snow and rain. She is now trying to decompress from being away. Stepping into the real world can be a bit overwhelming. I am proud of her and she seems to be headed in the right direction. She appears to be making healthier choices in her new recovery. I hope she sticks around and goes to lots of meetings.

If you would like to visit my roommates blog click "Lonnie." Please leave a comment and offer your link if you would like. Thanks. Now about me. I am still sober and I had my last appointment with my therapist yesterday. I will still see the shrink to stay on my psych meds. I plan to do another 4th Step shortly, and would like to start a Joe and Charlie seminar on the journey through the steps. Things are different at home. I am working on accepting some of the changes here. Acceptance is a process and not an event. My ego is sometimes a problem. I will try and smash that. Thanks for visiting...AB

Another death, and other stuff...

2008-12-26T00:23:00.000-08:00

My sister passed away about two weeks ago. She had been ill for a long time, but we all thought she had a few years left, so it was bad news. She stopped breathing at home and was taken to the hospital and placed on life support. We met with several doctors and were told that she was not going to pull through so we might consider taking her off of life support. I had decided to be with her when they pulled the plug. The doctor said she could last from 10 minutes to two days. She had end stage lung disease. They also discovered that she had a cirrhotic liver and her abdomen was full of cancer. This was also causing internal bleeding. Right after the life support was removed, I saw the nurse give a massive dose of morphine into her IV. I love nurses. After a few loving words were shared, she passed about an hour and a half later. It wasn't all peaceful and calm at first. My sister is a scrapper and wasn't going down without a fight. She managed to say she loved me and she was also crazy about my roommate that is in treatment. It's been a rough year. But it has been a sober year. I am giving to someone without taking. Without expecting anything in return. As Rocky Balboa once said, "Friends don't owe. Friends do because they wanna do." It feels wonderful just to do things right for a change. I wish I could say I owe it all to AA. AA has, and still is a huge help. For a change I have applied a few things from AA. I had really never done that before. Something has changed within me. I just don't talk about it much. I just want to continue to practice these things in all of my affairs...Hope you all had a good Christmas.

Graduation...A new beginning.

2008-12-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

The evening of the 8th I got a call. She will be coming home following graduation from treatment. I will drive over for graduation, then pick her up the next day after she is discharged for the long drive home. I'm happy she is coming home. Nonstop it's about a 5 hour drive one way. I'm glad the gas prices have gone down.

A week and a half ago I fell climbing down off the roof of my garage. I landed on my feet. I stuck the landing pretty well, but before I hit I knew I had hurt my back again. Some of you know since early 2003, I have had 4 back surgeries. This injury is a good one. A friend came over last Friday and I asked him to go get my chainsaw and cut my leg off. He thought I was kidding. Maybe those who have had leg pain due to back injury know what I mean. It's the kind of pain where they give you the really good drugs. They just seem to take a bit of the edge off, to where I'm only grinding my teeth. I have been praying like a mutha. Most of the time I can't sleep because of it hurting. A year ago last August was my last surgery. Maybe I'm due, I don't know. I hope not. Sure is good to be sober though. I don't think I would be a very good drunk having to handle this pain stuff. We have had a few go back out for more research (slips) lately. One person I'm quite fond of and is out there using alcohol/meth. I pray they are lucky enough to get back. I could use a good old fashioned 12 step call...

So grateful for her...and my God.

2008-12-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

My best friend and roommate who is still away in treatment, is on my mind a lot. She will complete a six-month inpatient program soon. Before she comes home, she may enter into another more structured environment for extra time. This is due to honesty that she is afraid she might drink due to powerful episodic physical alcohol cravings, along with episodes of deep depression of almost a bipolar nature. At first I was upset that she might not be coming home right away. I stayed pissed for almost a week! I took off my ring and threw it in a drawer. That was the selfish me. King Baby was really acting up. It didn't take me long to realize what she and I really have. It's more than most. She and I have always agreed that we were best friends first. Regardless what happens or doesn't happen between us. Example, we may be romantically involved like we have been, or we may not be for a while. We may never be involved that way again. She is at the moment of truth where one more drink could very well be her last. Death could follow a binge with her. This time it matters and it's real. In the past, she didn't appear to be afraid of another drink. She and I are not going to let the complications of a relationship with each other get into the way of her recovery. Even though she says a relationship with me has never been difficult. I have always been patient, kind and tolerant of her alcoholism and it's associated behaviors. If she and I are to be together, God will probably make sure that happens.

As I walked around this place tonight I was recalling some joy we have experienced here. Last Christmas we were all sober and were able to have a beautiful, love filled Christmas. I told her it was the best Christmas I had in over 20 years. That's the truth. Coming up on two years that we have lived here in this place, I have so much to be thankful for. Just last night she said "I love you." I always have loved her. She would try so hard to stay sober. I've never seen anyone try so hard. Yet time after time she would "fail." But I never lost hope, or gave up on her, when so many others did. Some think I'm nuts for hanging in so long. That's the problem with a lot of people today. They give up to easy, which is the easy thing to do. Sometimes the best things to do in life are to do the hard things. With this woman though, I have never felt discouragement. I got divorced from my second wife in 1990, and for the first time in my life since, I have felt these past couple of years that I live in a home, rather than a house. I have an undying love for her, whether we end up together or apart. She has brought love and hope back into my life, a kind I have never had. This is something I may have missed out on if God hadn't made our paths cross two short years ago. Back then I made some promises to her. I promised that I would never abandon her. I promised I would never leave her. I promised her hope, always. I promised that I would always believe in her. I promised these things will always be, as long as I am alive. She is such a beautiful part of my life. I know I have a God that loves me, and loves her as well. I have grown and learned much from my best friend/lover/roommate. I am so grateful and thankful that we connect and have total trust in each other. This is deeply personal for me to say all these things.After a life of breaking promises, it feels beyond beautiful to keep these. I will forever be my best friends cheerleader. She is worth it.

Three years...

2008-11-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

I finally made it past the 3 year sober mark October 4th. I haven't been sober that long since I blew nearly 13 years sober in '92. I still have long deep bouts of depression. Some say it's the weather. I wish the weather was actually the root of my depressions. November is "Gratitude" month. I am grateful that I am sober. The past two months I have been able to attend AA meetings out of town. The meetings sure are different than they are here. It's neat to see newcomers chairing AA meetings. That doesn't happen much where I live. My best friend is also doing well. They have the most sobriety now since they relapsed after having 9, or 12 years sober...I forget how many years she had. It doesn't matter for either of us right now as things change and recovery is different for the both of us. It's only one day at a time. I would like to live each day as if it were my last. I don't know why I don't do that. I don't see others living that way either. What's wrong with people? None of this probably makes any sense but I don't give a shit if it does. It doesn't have to make sense. Go fishing and have a happy and sober Thanksgiving.

Alanon

2008-09-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been to a couple of Alanon meetings. It has been 24 years since I have attended Alanon. I had to attend it while in college when I studied alcoholism. It was required.

But I'm going of my own accord with a push from a friend, and my sponsor. I usually don't respond well when pushed to do things like attending Alanon, but I'm too old to fight others advice anymore. I'm sick and tired thinking I know it all. I have so much to gain and very little to lose. We had six newcomers to the meeting Monday night. I was moved. It was a very emotional meeting. A first step Alanon meeting. Alanon's are very sick people. Alcoholics can really screw people up. But it's great that those who love their alcoholic enough that they seek out Alanon to learn how to grow themselves! Yeah for Alanon and AA!

If you have an alcoholic that you care about in your life, check out Alanon...You will be glad you did.

I'm still sober and grateful I can do these things. Maybe I can help myself as well as others. Thanks God!!

Camping and fishing for sanity...

2008-06-10T02:33:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I went "boat camping." This is where you can only get to the campsite by boat. A friend in AA invited me to go. He and two other people were already there when I did finally show last Monday. They all stayed there a week. I stayed three days. After driving 145 miles, I had to launch my boat and ride the last five miles up lake to camp. It was awesome. What a beautiful way to get the clutter out of my head! I took my second favorite girl, Roxy. She went swimming on her own for the first time. I was in my tent and heard a loud splash and looked out and there she was paddling all over the place! Very cool. I was beaming like a proud father! I took a bunch of pictures and here are a few. It was so quiet and peaceful. I swear I could hear God snoring...We did manage to catch a lot of Walleye and Bass. But I'll just add that catching fish is just a fringe benefit...

I am so grateful to be sober, and to enjoy these kind of things that bring me peace, and plants a warm smile on my face. Extra nice to share the trip with a friend in recovery as well...

Micky...

2008-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

I dig your copy and paste comments that have nothing to do with the current posts at all. You say you spread the word about God and Jesus Christ...All I ever see coming from you is your sad attempt to smear a great many programs of recovery that have and continue to help millions of people. Some actually go on to join a church. But when they see the shit you spew, it's nothing but a turn-off. It's folks like you who chase people away from even considering attending a church. Do the world a favor and spread your joy somewhere in the middle east. I'm sure you will be well received there.

Oops...

2008-04-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

I for got to mention that I'm very grateful for my dog. She loves to fish...

Gratitude...

2008-04-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have times where I don't feel grateful. Self-centered me huh? So, when I'm not feeling grateful, a good way to get there is to make a list:

I am grateful for:

1. Eggo waffles
2. Peanut butter
3. Jelly/Jam
4. AA
5. Good orderly direction
6. A new prop for my boat
7. My special friend
8. My brother
9. My sister
10. Fishing and camping gear
11. Nature

See you soon!

Hobbies...

2008-04-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

Hobbies are vital to recovery. Fishing is my favorite way to relax and enjoy nature. This past weekend I went camping with a sponsee of mine. This video is shore fishing after breaking the prop off my boat. Nothing like fresh fish cooked over an open fire and reading a bit out of the Big Book together. The setting made for excellent conversations concerning spirituality. I have had my ups and downs since my fathers death. But with God's help, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink.

AB, "The Fishin' Clinicican."

Sudden death...

2008-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

My father passed away suddenly on the 7th of this month. He was 86 and worked full-time until he died. He was my biggest hero. I will miss him. I was presented with the US flag at the funeral for his service during WWII. I was truly moved by that. I am a little burnt out on blogging and the internet altogether. I probably won't be posting very often, but I am still here, and still sober and going to meetings. Hope you are all doing well.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS...

2007-12-25T02:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve...

Merry Christmas from our sober house to yours. May all of your dreams come true this coming new year. I'll be glad when the holidays are over. It is good to have a sober holiday...

I Youtubed some meditation...

2007-12-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have been fishing a lot, and have been going to some meetings. I'm trying to get into the meditation thing. It helps to get the clutter and noise out of my head. This is my first Youtube video. It's boring, but I find if I stare at it long enough, I get some kind of calm. It's nice to have a fireplace at home. It's great to be sober today. Happy holidays to everybody!! AB.

Better late than never...

2007-12-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry about neglecting my Blog. I completed my classes and all went well. I am still sober and living life on lifes terms. I will try to post more often...I get distracted easily...

Remember to breathe...

2007-10-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

Going to class-like training is wild. A ton of information tossed at everybody in a very short time, just to cram for a state registration examination. When I hit rush hour traffic today after class, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. My cell phone rang during class too. Somebodies computer was on the blink. My classmates gave me a dirty look, as well as the instructor...As I hit the bridge, the traffic was bumper to bumper and I thought "if everybody would just drove like me we would have world peace." Then I finally got home. I asked for a hug, and said this:

"God,
Grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thank God for hugs and prayers. There, I feel better now.

Oh yeah, don't forget to breathe...

Love runs deep...

2007-10-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

Since last February I have been head over heels in love. She is my room mate, best friend and lover. Today I still have the spark that I felt ever since I first saw her. I cannot imagine life without her at all. She is my family now. Maybe not in the legal sense. She has said yes to marriage several times to me. Maybe someday we will do that. She will be leaving soon on an adventure of 45 days or so, on the other side of the state. I will miss her dearly, and deeply. I have never felt such a deep and powerful love like this for anyone in my whole life. I know I will love her forever. This is something that if I still lived in the world of "it's all about me,"would not be possible at all. The bondage of self has been lifted.

I thank God that he/she has brought us together.

On October 26th, tomorrow, I turn 54 years old. It's way past time for me to put away selfish childish things and devote myself fully to another human being, for better or for worse.

I don't mean to get all mushy and pathetically romantic here, but it's what I'm feeling right now.

And that's not so bad.

I'm a real alcoholic my name is AB. I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink today, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Spayed!! But sober!

2007-10-20T12:51:00.000-07:00

This is our dog. She was spayed Wednesday. The vet wouldn't give her any pain meds to take home. I don't quite understand that. She hurts! This pic was taken last Wed. She is a Miniature Pinscher. This one is a sweetie, but can be a naughty little bitch. That's why we love her I guess...

I am grateful to be sober today to enjoy things such as these. Miracles!

Why do I do that?...

2007-10-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am the guy who introduces himself as a "real alcoholic" at AA meetings. Some here in Jerkwater USA, are not happy with that. "Real alcoholic" is from chapter 3 pg., 31:2, of the AA Big Book. I tried every form of self-deception and experimentation in vain attempts to drink like a gentleman. I never could. Then I read "real alcoholics" on that page and I said, "man, that's me." I am indeed a real alcoholic.

Seeing that and saying that is a constant reminder to ME. I don't say it to appear better than any other person. I don't say it for anyone else. I have to say it or I may forget it, and the result for me is death.

If how I introduce myself in an AA meeting is bothersome to some people, it isn't my problem. If they want to take my inventory, it's not my problem. Love and tolerance is our code, and for those who point fingers at the flaws of other alcoholics, need to look in the mirror and ask themselves why they react that way, then make note of it. They may discover a pattern of doing that. It's not helpful. Thank you and I wish you many 24 hours of happy recovery. I wasn't going to respond to that...I wonder why I did...

Again...

2007-10-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

I want you take a small risk when you come here. I want you to think and feel when you read my blog. I want you to be provoked sometimes. I want you to disagree with me. I want you to learn something about yourself and the way you feel about yourself -- that is more important than what you absorb about me.

The only requirement...

2007-10-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

As a real alcoholic, I know what is necessary for people like me who have a desire to quit drinking. A spiritual experience. That is the only thing that will get real alcoholics of the hopeless variety sober. I was one of those. I haven't had that sudden spiritual experience, (only once in 1978) but I feel that I am growing toward my God daily, and doing life the right way. I have a patience and tolerance I haven't had for the last 15 years or so. I have found that love is the father of my growing patience and tolerance. I just love alcoholics like me, whether they are sober, or are drinking with a desire to quit it. I have been there. I have cried rivers of tears because I was drinking when I didn't want to drink. But I would drink anyway. My body needed alcohol to function, and my brain needed it to think. There were countless times, like the last 13 years, that I had no control when it came to booze. Today, I will talk to any drunk. If they ask for help, or just want to talk, I will offer that. All alcoholics, sober or not need to know that they are still loved. From whatever source, I just know that someday, an alcoholic that drank like me can recover. I would say that source is God, or a Higher Power.

I feel that if I distance myself from these types of alcoholics, I place a resistor between my self my the God of my understanding. Do I think of self preservation? All the time. I just don't pick up a drink. I saw recently someone try to prevent someone from drinking. They wanted all the alcohol out of a house where an alcoholic was drinking. They were going to buy more alcohol anyway. We sometimes forget that probably no human power could relieve anyones real alcoholism. If I can just show any real alcoholic that I love and care about them whether they are sober or not, maybe they would like to learn to love unconditionally also. I believe it would just be a better world. It would also lower our collective blood pressure. With that, maybe we will love, and live longer.

If you love an alcoholic, keep it up. Be consistent, honest and dependable. Be there. Be a part of a possible miracle if you can. AA is a program of helping. Meetings are good. But it's more important what we do in our giving before and after meetings that's most important. Practice these principles in all our affairs. If it were not for people who stopped by to visit and show me that they still cared even when I was drinking, I know I would be dead. I am only a messenger, don't shoot me...

Despite it all...

2007-10-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

In spite of myself, and too many half measures, I had a two year AA birthday on October 4th. This hasn't been easy, however, it has been rewarding. I will be attending training to become a counselor again. It's a short training program to get registered and licensed by the state. I think goals in recovery are a good idea. Becoming a productive member of society is a great thing to strive for. It's all just a one day at a time thing anyway. So, maybe I'll just enjoy the trip, keeping the destination in mind while on my way. The neat thing is I'm not alone on this journey. You all behave yourselves, and do what's right.

hAAlf-nAAked Step Six...

2007-09-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am ready to have God remove all these defects of charachter...My tools I have been using that have been killing me slowly...

In front of me...

2007-09-27T09:09:00.001-07:00

dAAve's comment on my last post was right on. Not being able to turn my head very well has forced me to deal with the things going on in front of me. The ability to apply avoidance behavior is failing terribly. That is a good thing. It makes procrastinating difficult too. I thought last night was Thursday. My home group is on Wednesday evenings. I missed my home group. Sometimers disease is a huge part of my recovery...

I am grateful for all the aspects of the spiritual foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Getting to meetings...

2007-09-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

This past week, I have been to four real life face to face meetings, despite myself and this gawd awful stiff neck collar I have to wear outside. I have to wear it three more weeks. (6 weeks total) It makes for driving a bit of a bitch not being able to turn my head.

There is some fear of the unknown going on at home, but if we can stay in the "24 hours at a time," maybe these fears will be easier to deal with. Maybe if I just would say to myself I have two weeks of freedom left for a while, what would I really want to be doing to really enjoy life for today?? I know that God helps very much. The key for me is to not be in my own head too much. I am grateful I am sober today, and grateful my "room mate" is too...Hang in there, keep coming back and pray.

Same old shiat...

2007-09-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

It's been just over two weeks since my surgeon granted me a new neck. The Social Security Administration has determined that my body is a train wreck. They also have determined that I'm a social misfit, so today they put me out to pasture with disability payments for the rest of my life. I have mixed feelings about it.

I am still in my post operative depression and feel lethargic. I feel as if I'm dragging a large ship anchor around. I'm not getting much done. I pray this all passes soon. I guess the neat thing is I don't have to pick up a drink over it like I used to in the past. My roommate has sure helped me a lot. I am glad we are here. In this depression I isolate from face2face meetings, and lean for assistance "online" and from someone close to me. I know this degree of depression won't last forever. Thank you for all your input, even from the anti-AA people. Don't drink and you won't get drunk.

Whoa!

2007-09-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have to clarify some things in the previous post. The past couple of days I have been an absolute ass. I am not single. I am in a relationship with someone I love. My sponsor pointed out some things to me today that I could not see, and for that I am grateful. Just a week and one day ago, I was near dead under general anesthesia. My thinking and behavior have been deeply affected by that, and I have been running on fear that isn't close to the reality of things. It's easier for someone outside looking in to see what is happening in another's life. If you are in it like me, it's hard to see almost all of the time. I owe a huge amends to that person in my life that I love. I have said some hurtful things, and I need to own up to that. There has to be some room for both of us to grow, and I will make that room. I have too. At least two lives count on it. Laugh often and Pray hard. It make for an easier roller coaster ride.

Hell week...

2007-09-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Had my neck surgery last week. I guess it went ok, I was asleep so I'm not positive. I was only in the hospital one night. I'm a cranky patient. I usually want out the day after surgeries. This was my fourth spine surgery, and I always demand to get out the next day. Something about having a tube in my hangy-down-pink-part that really pisses me off. I feel myself entering into a dark depression, but this isn't anything new for me. I've dealt with it all my life. I am longing to live in the country again. I don't like the traffic in the city. So now I embark on a journey as a single person. I have found I cannot rely on people anymore. The good thing is this situation is forcing me to seek out my Higher Power more often. Yesterday it was every five minutes. I know there is a God there someplace. I just haven't got this conscious contact thing with God down pat yet. History shows me that in less than a week, I will want to sink an ice pick into my head. That fantasy will pass. This is routine for me and a serious flaw in my thinking. I'm angry.

I am looking for answers in a world that doesn't say much. So I will keep my mouth shut. Perhaps it would behoove me to close my eyes and "listen" more to what it has to say. I have to grasp that it is "Thy will, not mine, be done." This hasn't been an easy task for this self-centered, selfish, screw-everybody-else, it's all about me, alcoholic. I am a physical and emotional train wreck today. I suppose the good thing is I don't have to pick up a drink over it. Sorry. I'm just in a shiatty mood. I'll be over it with a little time. Ok everybody. Just for today don't take a drink. Regardless of what may happen in your life.

Excitement and a pain in the neck!

2007-08-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody. My friend is back from treatment and wow what a change! I can see in her eyes that there is a bit of peace. It's fleeting, but it's there. I see a truck load of acceptance. She's great! Right where she's supposed to be! It's scary but positive, and I gotta tell ya I'm optimistic for today. There's definitely movin' and shakin' going on. Some real changes are in the works all for the betterment and continued exploration of who the hell are we. Fourth Step stuff. Communication without fear. Absolute trust in sharing is so healing. One breath at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. My heart and head are one. Meetings daily is a good thing too. I see a head or two that I would like to twist off, but hey it just makes for a messy meeting and nobody wants that.

I enter the hospital Monday the 27th, for an anterior cervical fusion with bone grafting and titanium plates, screws and stuff. I can't wait it should be fun. I dig pain. NOT! Ok well maybe a little bit...On a serious note, I was expressing some fear about this surgery and my friend Last Call says, "Where's your faith?" I felt like I got caught with my pants down in a public place. Prayer is now double time, but at the same speed...Have a clean and sober weekend everybody. I see a new life beginning. It's a loving one. Without love, what is left over is fear. Peace, love and cosmic unity, AB.

Trip...

2007-08-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

"No sleeping in today Smokie. No, Nada, Nyet. We have a trip to make cat...Coffees ready. Let's go pick-up a friend from treatment, then go to a meeting tonight when we get back...Oh quit your meowin'. You know as well as I do, we can only keep what we have by giving it away. Now get your lazy arse outta bed...I'll get ya a cup of coffee; and grab that 24 hour book too...And thank you for not smoking..."

Gratitude...

2007-08-16T03:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it's 3:30am, Thursday morning. I will try again in a bit to get some sleep. Some of you know that I'm having a pre-op physical exam the 21st, for an operation to correct three vertebrae in my neck. So, I'll probably have the surgery toward the end of this month. Anxiety, besides pain is playing a role in my inability to sleep as well. The woman I live and love with is being discharged from treatment 4 days early due to her progress she has made while there. She has worked very hard there. She went to treatment in a town that is a six hour drive from here, so she may stay a day or two with her brother and his wife. They live there where she is in treatment. The family needs to heal, and this is a great start.

The meeting at 6pm Wednesday night was on "gratitude." There was the usual collective groan that usually appears when the chairperson picks that topic. At first I didn't even want to go there, as I just wasn't feeling very grateful. The neat thing about gratitude meetings is it makes me look at the things that I am grateful for today. Since I have a tendency to sit on the pity throne a lot when in pain, it's a perfect topic for me. My left leg has been bothering me as of late, so I've had to bum some rides lately. Both cars in the driveway are stick shifts, and right now my left leg and right arm are all but useless. But hey, we in AA help each other that's how it works. When I get better, I will do the same for others.

When I got home, I checked the mail, and what a wonderful letter I got from her. She is a lady of few words, but when she says something, she means it. When she writes it, it's even more meaningful. I was feeling pretty good emotionally when I got home, but there's something about her signing off the letter with "Love you, miss you" I just let go and jerked a couple of gratitude tears. I'm such a silly sot. I have a lot to be grateful for and very little of it was any of my doing. That's the neat thing about letting a Higher Power run your life. I'm off the pity pot now, there's only one, and I'm sure someone else needs to sit for a while. Hope you are all doing well, and staying sober, a day at a time...Hang in...

AA is a better, safer boat...

2007-08-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

I recall the hopelessness I felt when I was drinking. It stays fresh in my mind. To me, that's very important. Remembering the neighborhood is critical in my process of staying sober and growing. When drinking, I would often see myself as being in a row boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I would say between drinks, "My boat is so small, and the sea is too big." What AA has done for me is give me a much bigger boat. A boat that is safer for me. The boat in the picture taken the 23rd of last month, is a meeting, and my sponsor, and my friends in the fellowship of AA. The life ring is an extra meeting and helping others. I thank my Creator for blessing me with a bigger, more sea worthy craft. Today I have much to be grateful for:

Alcoholics Anonymous.

12 Steps that help me grow.

A sponsor I love.

A sponsor that pisses me off sometimes.

The belief that my Creator does indeed love me.

My alcoholic, who has restored my belief in love and commitment, no matter what.

My alcoholic, who has taught me that it is more important to give, instead of getting.

My family who has always loved me, despite what shame I have brought to them.

Skilled surgeons who continue to do repairs on me.

Responsibilities, and bills to pay.

A nice place to live.

Food and water.

A big Goldfish, a dog and cats to care for.

Being alive, when I should be dead.

God bless you all. Have a fine weekend. Love, AB.

Self-help books...

2007-07-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Seattle won, 4 to 3. I like Oakland though. I had the best peanut butter waffles there once. After the long drive home, I sat on the couch and put my feet up. I looked over at the bookcase and wondered why on Earth there were so many self-help books there. I never read them. I said shiat, the only books I need are the Big Book of AA and the 12x12. Those two books are as good as it gets. I'll put those others in the yard sale this weekend...

Be still...Know there is God.

2007-07-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

The past six months have been very "trying" for me to say the least. My sponsor told me this week that he didn't think I would have lasted this long, living and loving a practicing alcoholic. The key for me is to never take anything an alcoholic says personally. It's hard to do, and sometimes I lose it and let the alcoholic have it verbally. I am doing that less, and less with each passing day. There is this line from the Big Book that catches my eye...

"Try not to condem your alcoholic husband no matter what he does or says. He is just another sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill." page 108, Alcoholics Anonymous Basic Text.

As long as an alcoholic is breathing, I will never give up hope and say something wonderful like "call me when you are well then I can help." I will never give up on my alcoholic, whether they are still sick, or in the process of getting weller. They are in the process of getting weller, and for that I am grateful, and praying often. It's good for all of us to take time to pray for all alcoholics who are suffering. To me, it is my duty, and responsibility. I must do it freely without malice nor complaint...May you all roll with the punches that life throws. It is all worth it in the long run. We must never lose sight of what could be...

Off to treatment...

2007-07-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Myself and a couple of other guys are taking a friend to a treatment center at 6:30am. It's a 5 hour drive with a ferry ride. It's 11pm now and I'll be up at 4:00am. I'm pumped and ready to help another drunk get sober. If it were not for Alcoholics Anonymous, I would not be sober today and in the position to help others. This is a gift that has been given by this program. It was none of my doing. I am grateful to be able to give. It's hot out eh?

My head must be some where...

2007-07-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Boy my blogging has slacked off something terrible. I'm still sober and I love my alcoholic. Prayer was the topic of last nights AA meeting; Step 11 stuff. Very cool meeting. Life is good except for a few nagging medical problems. But any day without having to pick up a drink is a beautiful day...Hope you are all clean and sober. I'll try to do this blog thing more often! I am forever grateful for today...

Progress...

2007-05-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

Some of you may recall last summer when my air conditioning went out and I was whining about the heat, and it was making me ill. This summer I am over 50 pounds lighter, and the AC is good. I seem to be motivated to do more with myself with improved health, which brings a healthier mind. Living with a woman I love has it's way of getting my ass in gear as well. I am blessed. I am happy to be sober today. I see and feel the good things that life has to offer. None of this would have been possible without AA and regular attendance at meetings and not being afraid to roll up my shirt sleeves and do some work. You all behave yourselves and love each other. Get another 24 hours for yourself! It's awesome.

24 Hours hAAlf-nAAked at a time...

2007-05-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

One day at a time...Staying sober that way. Even ok to do it hAAlf-nAAked too...

Just in case...

2007-05-21T16:23:00.001-07:00

AB is still sober. Been busy moving and just not blogging much. Doing lots of face2face meetings and morning meditation. Love has a way of making life brighter too...

Letting go...

2007-04-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Sure was a great meeting last night, and a wonderful thing happened after I got home. I felt as if I was holding onto something that I couldn't see nor define. I just felt tense...? Whatever these hangups were that I couldn't define or see, I felt a powerful need to "let go."
So that's what I did. I just found myself flat on my back repeating the words, "let go" over and over...Suddenly I found myself free, and with a peace I haven't felt in years. I am clueless as to what really happened to me. All I can say is that it happened, and it was very real. A new freedom perhaps...Whatever issue I was hanging onto, I can only say I must have been holding on too tight. I am beginning to see what true letting go is. It is just beautiful, and nearly impossible to put into words what true letting go is for me. I believe I am beginning to totally trust my Higher Power. I guess I'll just leave it at that and not analyze or monkey with it. I pray you all can experience the ecstasy that true letting go brings. Thanks for another 24 hours without the need, desire, or the thought, to pick up a drink. That in itself for me is truly a miracle.

Rest...

2007-04-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Sheesh, I have gone too long between posts. I have been busy as of late and pushing myself rather hard, both mentally and physically. I have re-injured my back, and I hope it settles down soon. Pain pills are not my favorite thing. But I know what I would do to manage the pain if I currently didn't have them. I would drink. I have tried to manage back pain in the past with alcohol, and did fail miserably. I think it was Saint Paul who said something like, "I can do all things through God, who strengthens me." My mess is not realizing that when I'm pushing too hard, God wants me to REST, and recharge my batteries through HIM. I cannot expect God to give me the strength to go 24/7. I am sober today, and I am happy for that. It's nice not to have those gawd awful hangovers today, among other bothersome symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. Thanks for another 24 hours...

Roxxanne...

2007-04-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

Even Roxxanne, when nearly asleep and falling off of the couch, reminds me to read the 12 x 12...It contains the principles that I MUST live by.

A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature,
which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and
enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.
A.A.'s Twelve Traditions apply to the life of the Fellowship itself. They
outline the means by which A.A. maintains its unity and relates itself to the
world about it, the way it lives and grows.

From the Forward, of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

God answers...

2007-04-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

My friend has survived. It's amazing to watch such skilled doctors and nurses do their thing in the emergency room and the Intensive Care Unit, not to mention the EMT crew. I knew that God was working through them, because not only did my friend live, they just got home from the hospital. They are feeling a bit out-of-sorts, but they are home. Since I know the dose of meds taken, I know that God stepped in and decided to save this one. What a beautiful thing. The Higher Power worked hard for a reason to save a life unfinished. I pray my friend comes to realize the reasons why they didn't die, and that they still have work to do here on Earth. Thanks for all the prayers. Love,
AB.

We even try suicide...

2007-04-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I'm sitting at home and the phone rings at 11pm. The caller is someone who is struggling to stay sober. Many AA's won't go talk with a drinking alcoholic, but I do recall Tradition 3. They were asking for help, so I paid a visit. Being forgetful, I forgot my cigs in my car, so I went back outside to get them. While outside, my friend took a massive overdose of psychiatric medication. It reacted so quickly, my friend was in a coma before the medics arrived. They are now in Intensive Care, on a ventilator, and still comatose. Please pray for my friend. I'm going now back to the hospital and pray my butt off, and read to them. I know those in a coma can still hear. Thank God for another 24 hours. God bless you for doing the beautiful things you all do. I love my blogger friends. AB.

About my depression...

2007-04-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

It appears that I can get so full of myself that I lock others out. Since I'm all I think about it's no wonder that I do these things to myself and fill up with self pity. Keeping others at a distance protects that pity pot that has become so comfortable for me to sit on. I can sit on that pot all day without even as much as a newspaper to read. Yesterday and today are slightly better. This disease is cunning and very sly.

HAPPY EASTER!

2007-04-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Wishing you all the best on this day...

Darkness...

2007-04-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

Those of you who have been reading my blog this past year plus, know I have bouts of moderate to severe depression. Tonight after an AA meeting I thought I would feel better. Yet I find myself increasing isolated and lonely. I am in a very dark place in my head. The head (Brain) that wants me dead. I have dropped one antidepressant, and doubled the dose of another one. Maybe that's it. I'm in that dark place where I see no future and see my self dying alone in a one bedroom apartment. The good thing about today, is that I have had no thoughts of suicide, and I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink. Maybe tomorrow will bring sunshine to my brain. There must be a reason why I am still here. I am just a sober drunk doing the best I can today, because today is all I have.

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Page 63, AA Big Book

Prescription Humor...

2007-03-22T13:57:00.000-07:00

Can you relate?? I can!!

Control

2007-03-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

What I have seen a lot of lately are people in relationships that are more of a trap, than the real deal. There is a lot of truth in the saying that "alcoholics don't get into relationships. They take hostages." My own world asks me who am I to set conditions and expectations on another human? Who am I to tell another what to do and what not to do? Who am I to say "I love you, but..." Who am I to have this much power and control over another human? EGO runs rampant in alcoholism and it is very self-centered to believe that one person can control, manipulate, set conditions and expectations on another.

I am sure it says in the Big Book of AA that we must treat each other with love and tolerance. Today I pray that we all can give up control in order to gain control. God bless and thanks for another 24 hours...

Grasping a hand...

2007-03-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have been away for a while! Sorry about that one! Someone recently reached out for help and it is my responsibility to help another struggling alcoholic. I have dealt with police, hospitals, and ambulances and family members. I am seeing the disease in action. Throughout the whole helping process I haven't found it necessary, to drink. I hope when someone reaches out a hand asking for help, that you have a chance to grab it. It's beautiful.

Another friend of mind started a blog recently and would like visitors. Please visit LAST CALLand leave a comment. Thanks. You all have a beautiful day!! Love, AB.

Easier said...

2007-02-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

I had three phone calls yesterday from people in AA who are having issues. I don't know why they called me. Maybe they see something in me that I can't see yet. I sent a lecture to one this morning. As I read it, it applies to me as well...

Dear Bla Blabla,

I believe that as we grow, in the right way, we have moments of clarity. Whether we drink or take a pill or not. We can sometimes see through that little window and catch a glimpse of our life. It's hard when people lie to us. What is worse is to discover the reality of living in the lie. Our fears makes it easier to stay in a life situation that is destructive to our emotional security. Financial security is good, but it does nothing for the soul. It's a self-defeating learned behavior that gets in the way of true intimacy and the truth.

We suffer from a "feel" disease. Fear of being alone may keep us in a soul sickness. It's just a bitch to grow through it. We have to get selfish and deal with the people places and things that we see are getting in the way of a quality recovery. We are the only ones who can start the ball rolling. It starts with us, and the real friends we have. We have plenty of real friends, we just may not know it yet. Maybe we haven't met them all. They are there.

Have a good day. I need some sunshine. These gray days are a real bummer for me.

Sorry about the lecture. I guess I haven't done that for a while...

Your friend,
alcoholic brain
-------------------------------
I feel a touch of gratitude today. Thank God for another 24!

hAApy HNT everyone!!

2007-02-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

ROBO ALCOHOLIC. Test results, superior. Thanks for another 24!

Everybody Hurts...

2007-01-31T15:34:00.000-08:00

I placed this here for a friend.

Turning it over...

2007-01-26T23:53:00.000-08:00

This picture was a year old last November. I hadn't been to church in a long time. This is a skit about turning the suitcases full of guilt, shame, and what I'll call defects of character over to God. This actor was hesitant to leave her baggage there. She told God she had been holding onto them for so long, she wouldn't know how she could live without her baggage. I could relate. Now, thanks to AA, I know I can give my luggage to my HP. It's safer there than with any airlines I can think of...

If we ask, God will certainly forgive our derelictions. But in no case does He render us white as snow and keep us that way without our cooperation. That is something we are supposed to be willing to work toward ourselves. He asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.

TWELVE AND TWELVE, p. 65

Chasing the high...

2007-01-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

There was a time when I had long term, quality sobriety. I had a sudden spiritual awakening. I was sincerely happy. The past several years, I have been trying to recapture the feelings I had during that time. My alcoholic nature wants to have it all back right now!
In order for me to recapture those feelings of the past, I must do the same thing again. It's totally irrational for me to expect to be where I once was. I must realize how lucky I am to have made it back to AA at all. Most who relapse don't make it back. My pride gets in my way at times, and takes me away from this moment in time. It takes me out of today. If I keep doing what I have to do, maybe some day, I'll be there again. My job today is to stay sober and help others. The answer is so simple. Oh, Gwen, thanks for the invite to HNT.
I better read page 417 pf the Big Book. Thanks for another 24...hang in my friends.

I'm trudging...

2007-01-12T01:45:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm still trudging the road toward a spiritual world. Trudge: To make one's way on foot. To walk wearily. I found it between Truculent and true, in the dictionary...Sometimes It's a happy walk, and sometimes it's a bitch! Ya'll are in my prayers eh? Of course you are! Thanks for another 24 hours!

KISS and help others...

2006-12-28T01:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged for a while. Have been to a few AA functions and AA meetings. I went to a meeting recently and there were two oldtimers who hadn't seen each other for about 15 years. One of them had met Dr Bob and Bill W. He also danced with Marty Mann, and met the first black woman in AA. Both men had hearing aids and sat across the table from each other and yelled about their common past. Between the two of them, they had over 80 years sober in AA. The one fella said something I'll never forget. He said, "The minute I start thinking about myself, my spiritual condition goes to hell and I'm close to a drink." They both stressed an easy solution to a complicated problem. Keep it simple. Make a habit of going to meetings and don't drink in between.
Sound wisdom. I'm happy the holiday season is almost over...Thank God for another 24...

Hooked On Slogans

2006-12-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

WORKS FOR ME!

6 Weird Things...

2006-12-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

From Carly

Hey AB,

TAG you're it! Here are the rules: Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. Have fun! :)

This was hard. I'm thinking weird things I've done? Maybe. Or strange things about my person? Anyway, I came up with these:

Between grades 8 and 9, I grew 8 inches. You can stop laughing now.

I have one stitch holding my right shoulder together.

I despise candy I have to suck on.

I can speak North Carolinian and Canadian in the same sentence.

I can slap my index finger against my middle finger really loud. It creeps people out.

Humiliation can make one desperate. In grade 7, I chewed nine warts off my right hand. It worked. They never returned.

Have a sober weekend!

OUCH! A good reminder...

2006-12-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Rex!

2006-12-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Gung Ho...

2006-12-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am still here. Has anyone switched to Google's new Beta blog? Just curious. I've been in a real funk. I'm trying to put on a happy face for the holidays, but truth be told, right now, I think they suck, and I can't wait for them to be over. I'm still trying to do good things to get me closer to my Higher Power. It isn't easy for an agnostic. I have faith that someday soon, I will come to trust in God totally. More often than not, I still buy into the line that "I'm a piece of shit" and not worthy of a loving God.
I have to remember that when I think that way, I'm ragging on God's handiwork. That's how my disease wants me to think. Thanks for visiting and thank God I'm still clean and sober.

Snow and screwie moods...

2006-11-30T00:34:00.000-08:00

There is snow here. I just got home from cleaning the Alano Club and the roads are real slick. It's snowing hard here. Weatherman says 4 to 8 inches of snow tonight, on top of the 4 inches or so of snow already here. I'm going to two to three AA meetings a week. I am still working the Fourth Step. I had a 400mg injection of Testosterone Monday. I have been seeing a pattern for the past six months or so, that with about five days to go before my next injection is due, I nose dive into depression. I talked to the nurse, and we will try the injections at 200mg every two weeks. Maybe that will keep me on more of an even keel. Going to the Goodwill Mall tomorrow to check out the sales. I'd like to find a book on meditation. They have a huge used book section. I seem to be much more accepting of things today...I have gained a new respect for people on Hormone replacement therapy. What a trip that can be!!

"Love and tolerance of others is our code." page 84 Alcoholics Anonymous

Happy Thanksgiving...

2006-11-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged for a while. On the 18th, I went to a district Gratitude Dinner, and about 200 people came from all over the area. We had an Alanon and an AA speaker. They were a married couple and it was all very interesting and such an inspiration. Needless to say, the feast was huge. I'm grateful I went.

I think I will go to the Alano Club today, as this time of year can be a bummer for some, so the Club is having Thanksgiving dinner. That's such a cool thing. Some of us have no families left, or maybe they don't want to see any of us, who knows. But as alcoholics, I think we need each other, regardless. So, I'll go there and hang for a while, then go visit my sister and the rest of my family. I wish you all a happy day.
I am grateful for today, because I'm sober.

Memorial Potluck...

2006-11-14T16:53:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, and a friend to many, passed away less than a week ago. I had known him since 2002 I think. He was a member of the local Alano Club. He was a very nice man. But he just couldn't stay sober. He would get a week or two sober then start drinking again. He really didn't want to stop and suffered from severe depression. The thing I liked about him, is that he would not hide the fact he was drinking from anyone. During the past several months, he was more into maintenance drinking, so he could still visit the Alano Club. All, and probably the only friends he had were Club members. He had moved here following a divorce from another state, and lived in his small truck for a very long time. Over the past two or three month, he began to swell up. His liver became quite large, and his body was retaining fluids, and his legs were showing dependent edema. Over two weeks ago I was thinking that I handn't seen him for a few days. Some of the people from the Alano Club were watching him. They told me his legs had become so swollen, that he could not bend them enough to get him into a car or truck. Tonight at the Alano Club, we are having a dinner potluck to remember him. Most alcoholics would have been hiding in the closet, not wanting anyone to outright know that they were drinking. This man gave me a lesson in denial in action.

Those who cannot find sobriety here on Earth, will find it in Heaven. I am grateful too have known him...

Two Horses

2006-11-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her halter is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As you stand & watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him, & that he will listen for her bell & then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray. When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops occasionally & looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this. You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours!

Higher Power stuff?...Yup.

2006-11-11T20:43:00.000-08:00

The most important image ever taken by man.

Slacker!

2006-11-06T15:05:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I have blogged! No, I didn't fall off of the planet or anything, but I have been busy. I mess with computers so much I get burnt out on them sometimes! Working on them can really suck sometimes! It seems that we haven't had much of a Fall season here. It has been cold here, and we have had snow, but it didn't stick. One of the volunteers at the local Alano Club has been ill, and I have been covering for him plus volunteering my usual Friday mornings, and I do the janitorial work there. I have been busy helping others too. I'm trying to get a "Joe and Charlie" 12 Step seminar going, so I'll keep you informed. I am so grateful to be sober today. The pic is of my little town. Thanks for stopping by!!

I am working on conscious contact...

Bla...

2006-10-31T00:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't been feeling well the past several days. This MRSA seems to be kicking my butt. It makes me feel tired all the time. I have been sleeping a lot. I voted today and went down and cleaned the Alano Club. I feel good about that. Saturday, I went to the Birthday Potluck and my sponsor presented me with my one year coin. I hadn't been to a birthday potluck in a long time. I was surprised at the small turn out. The reason may be, that the monthly thing has yet to find a place to rent on a regular basis for a while. Alcoholics don't like it when things get moved around it seems. The people were nice and the food was great, so I'll be back. I ate this brown stuff with these white things in it that was really good. I don't know what it was. I should have asked. But I'm shy, and that is one of my many defects of character. Physically, I feel terrible, but I'm happy I'm clean and sober. Hope nobody gets tricked today...

Happy HNT!

2006-10-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

Free HNT all you need is a valid email address to subscribe.
Maybe I should be working on that Fourth Step rather than playing on this computer?

Belly button birthday today. I'm still 39, and that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Actually, I am 53 today. I read in a book some where that "there comes a time to put away childish things." I don't quite know how to define that other than to "grow up." Any Bible scholars here?

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority--a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.

From page 132 of the 12 x 12.

Pen 2 paper...

2006-10-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

I caught myself today praying out loud while just walking around the house. While I finally felt whatever it was I felt, I put pen to paper and started my Fourth Step.

My resentment list isn't a mile long. My flaws are many. But I have found many assets too. I am far from finished. But I have been granted the courage to look in the mirror very deep. I dislike a lot of things about me, but there are a few things I like. I can see that I have been ruled by FEAR. It isn't gone yet either. But I have faith that if I continue to do these things that I have to do, my fear will fade to black. I am grateful for the courage to start this thing. Isn't it odd how we can be powerless over a piece of paper?

I have noticed a pattern with my hormone injections. I get 400mgs a month. With about a week and a half to go before I have another one, I take an emotional nose dive. I'm waiting for my doc's nurse to call me back about getting shots two weeks apart. Maybe I'll be on a more even keel that way. I could use the patch, but won't. I won't go into how the patch is applied, or where it's applied. Google it if you wanna know. It's gross.

Today I'm grateful for:
My new riend in recovery Meg. Please visit her here!

Having the willingness

Believing that a Fourth Step will not kill me

My sponsor, who has always been there

Shelter, food, wheels

The AA meetings here, and the people

Monday's Testosterone injection to kick my ass

Being able to actually get into and button a pair of my "skinny pants"

Responsibility. I am going to vote!

My blogger friends who help me more than they might realize

The ability to feel fear and face it

That a Power Greater than myself has granted me all these things

Maybe...

2006-10-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

I am finding myself doing these things daily. Maybe that's a God thing. I don't know or really care, but it seems to be helping me. I stopped rationalizing for the most part I think...

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful & ask for the right thought or action."
Alcoholics Anonymous p.87

As I was saying...

2006-10-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

I tend to put unrealistic expectations on myself, then of course they are never met, then that gives me permission to hang from my cross saying, "why me lord?"

I heard some good things at the meeting last night. It's a Big Book study on Friday nights. It's nice to get into the book and discuss what was read. I have a strong desire to seek a higher power, and if that means using the group on the way, that's alright. I'm taking this piecemeal, as I can only chew so much. I know now that if I try to take too big of a bite, I'll choke.

I'm feeling grateful today for AA and the people that go there. They know me there. I can be myself and that's ok today.

Nothing Grows in the Dark from page 303 of The Daily Reflections:

"We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and grow."

My topic...

2006-10-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I went to an AA meeting tonight and during the second moment of silence(anybody have a topic?) a gentleman across the room says, "I wanna talk about Step Three." I felt as if I had been set-up! This was just the meeting the doc ordered for me. Funny how that works huh? I heard a lot of stuff I needed to hear. I shared some things I needed to share. It's so cool to be reminded that sometimes Step Three is an ongoing thing. It may take a while to sink in. I need to lighten up on me. I actually said that my face hurt, because it had been a while since I had laughed. The funny thing is, I'm usually the one making people laugh. Blogger is acting strange, so I will publish this. I feel much better about things today. You are never alone with AA.

My way sucks...Starting over.

2006-10-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

My way of running my life sucks big time. It does not work. My disease is alive and well. I have been powerless over a piece of paper called a Fourth Step. I am a broken man. Alcoholism/addiction is so very cunning, baffling and powerful. My disease is preventing ME from doing a Step Four. I met with my sponsor today for over two hours. I am trying to handle my problems with self will and I have fallen flat on my face. This past year has been a sad attempt to achieve Step Three. My disease while sober has made my life miserable, because I'm still trying to run my life with part-time trusting in a Higher Power to run it for me. Or, me not asking for help and guidance on how to recover right. I have probably hurt about everybody I have come into contact with this past year too, as I try to arrange the stage and it's players as I see fit. It's futile. Right now I don't know much about God. I know there is a power greater than myself, but I am stopping short of calling my Higher Power God. I don't know why. Discussing this with my sponsor, I realized I have faith in AA. So, for today, I will use the group as my higher power. It says in the 12x12 that Step Three is practiced. Then the chapter closes with The Serenity Prayer. Since it seems that about everything I touch turns to shit, I have to turn my life over to a power that can run it NOT using my will for ME.

I will call AA my higher power. I have faith in AA. Maybe someday, I will be able to talk to God, and mean it sincerely. I realized today that my life for a while has been phony and I don't like that. Again I am at the "bring the body and the mind will follow." I just want my brain to do the will of my Higher Power. That's the only way I will get weller. I may have to take this Step piecemeal...I am willing to do this.

Trying a new Operating System...

2006-10-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Just installed this today.

A Linux Operating System called Ubuntu v6.06. Ubuntu is an African word meaning "Humanity to others" or "I am what I am because of who we are." How cool is that?
Anyway, this Linux distro is supposed to be the best Linux ever. So far, I really like it.

I am grateful I have the chance to learn these new things...

I have to believe in Miracles...

2006-10-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

I thought this picture be fitting tonight!

WTF?

2006-10-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have been in a strange mood the past few days. I can't really explain it. Physically I have been dealing with a health issue on and off for almost two years it seems. Not many have heard about it, but it's gross. I heard and read about it being the new "Super Bug." It is a staph infection that is resistant to the usual antibiotics. I was told last summer that I was finally free of it, now it is back again. My dermatologist called today and said I have a newer form that is resistant to antibiotics I have taken in the past. For a week I have been using an antibiotic cream on my skin in two spots and I have to use a q-tip and place some in my nose two times a day! Gross huh? Shiat!! One of the spots is right on my beltline, making it hard to wear pants! Kinda like when I was drinking! I didn't keep my pants on much then either! Maybe I'm having dysphoric recall. Not my drug of choice to shove up my nose, this cream. I had some trouble with a roommate a while back and had to evict them. I had good reason. Now I have just one roommate. He was going to meetings and blogging, but I don't see him going to meetings or working a program. Or blogging. This worries me. I care about him a lot. I also pissed-off a lady in recovery a lot recently too. My disease is telling me I can't do much right. If I lose a roommate, I have to find another one, so I have fear going on too.

So, I am trudging along. Sometimes it's one step forward then three steps back. But I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. Back to step three for me. I have been trying to run the show.

I have to get back to making a list of 50 things I have control over. Leaving out what time the cat eats...

I have a strong case of the fuck-its, but no desire or thought of drinking. That's just not like me! That's a good thing...Glad I see my sponsor tomorrow.

The Step Three Prayer from page 63 of the AA Big Book:

Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

New digs...

2006-10-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, take a second to visit Sober Ckick's new domain! Visit her HERE!

Freedom from bondage

2006-10-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am grateful today to be free from the bondage of acute alcoholism.

"As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.

"Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps.

"In short, we chose to "become willing," and no better choice did we ever make."
Page 4, "As Bill See's It."

Any day now...

2006-10-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

I meet with my sponsor every Tuesday at 1:30pm, usually for an hour and a half. We meet at this little Drive Thru place where you can go in and have eats and sodas, coffee etc...We do the double or triple shot esspresso latte thing. I can't remember what they are called. But they are potent. Anyway the first thing I said when I sat down was "At some of these we balked." I was talking about my seemingly inability to finish my Fourth Step. Appears when I get to it, I notice that the lawn needs to be vacuumed. I had to ask for help and examples about what this thing is about, and I got some good answers. I found a good Fourth Step guide on the internet. My printer is down for the count, so he is going to print it out for me. I hope to have the thing Wednesday. I already had about 70 plus pages of confusion completed, but it just isn't fearless and thorough enough. I concluded I was one on those that need step by step instruction on how to properly do that step. I'm glad I had the balls to ask for help. Many of us skip this step. I know me, and if I don't do these things, I will eventually drink again. My disease will back up and tow me right off. After much study and experience, I have concluded that I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. Without these Steps to bring about a spiritual awakening, alcoholism will kick my ass. It would only be a matter of time...

Today I am grateful for:

Having the obsession of alcohol removed

Having the willingness to change

Having the courage to ask for help

An awesome sponsor who knows me better than me

My meetings and friends in the fellowship of AA

Hangin' with the sober boyz at the Club

My awesome and loving family

The ability to pray

The ability to have faith and hope

That I have a place to live, food to eat, and wheels

The ability to think things through

To all my blogger friends in recovery that help me so much!

To be able to see, hear, smell and touch

The ability to love

The ability to place principles before personalities

Have a sober Wednesday!! AB loves you!

Have fun sober!

2006-10-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

A friend emailed this to me today. It's really funny. Some great songs. Visit: Party Sober

I had a mellow weekend. A nice lady invited me to a party that was put on by a local AA group and of course I ate too much. We played Pictionary. We played another game too, that involved a DVD player and we got into four groups, and answered questions from the TV. I can't recall the name of the game but it was fun. It's nice to have fun in recovery. AA is a fellowship of freedom!

Service

2006-10-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

The local Alano Club stays open till 10pm every night except Sunday(9pm). I go in twice a week and clean the place. I do this when the place is closed. Tonight I went in about 10:30pm. I spent a lot of time screwing around watching TV, taking my time. Then I happened to look on the calendar to see who was opening the Club in the morning. ME! It's almost 1:10am, and I have to be pouring coffee there at 10:00am. I like the Alano Club. I feel like I belong there. The place is full of outright mental defectives. You know, people just like me!
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for not smoking...Good night.

Celebrate recovery...

2006-10-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I got sober in 1979. Then in 1990 I walked away from the tables of AA, and by 1991, I was drunk again. It wasn't until I looked at a blog today that had a card there mentioning my sober birthday, did I come to realize. At that blog, I was listening to a song that I really like, that I came to realize. I came to realize that milestones in recovery should be celebrated. Recovery should be celebrated. I had become consumed by self-centeredness due to my failure in 1991. I never celebrated AA birthdays since. How self-consumed is that? I have been so wrapped-up in self, that I could not see what a gift recovery is! Imagine being so into self, that all you get are gifts without celebration! Holy shit. Today, I'm going to go by myself a one year coin. Maybe someday, I can give it to somebody in celebration.

Today I will celebrate recovery...Today, I won't give up on AA.

The music video below reminds me of AA...I pray that I never give up on it again. Thanks Gwen. See Gewn's page here Thanks to all who left comments!! Hugs.

Don't Give Up

2006-10-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
Ive changed my face, Ive changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Dont give up
cos you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not beaten yet
Dont give up
I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up
We dont need much of anything
Dont give up
cause somewhere theres a place
Where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Dont give up
Please dont give up

got to walk out of here
I cant take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That rivers flowing
That rivers flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong

Father Martins "Chalk Talk."

2006-10-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Chalk Talk on Alcoholism

Get some coffee, an ash tray if you freebase nicotine, and spend an hour and twenty minutes listening to this guy. It's an mp3 file...Click download, turn up yer speakers. Might wanna put your feet up with your fuzzy slippers on...

Till Wednesday...

2006-10-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

Seems my sponsor asked me a couple of months ago how much clean time I had (this time again) and I really had to think. A year ago last August first, I went on a three day binge of meth shooting and stopped. But I drank a few times after that. I knew it was two days prior to signing the lease for this apartment. So it looks like a year off alcohol this Wednesday, October 4th. I don't like to future trip any more about that though. I was just thinking of an old story that Father Joseph Martin shared once. He was on a radio talk show up in Alaska about 11:30pm. The topic was alcohol abuse and alcoholism. He tells the story of a young man that called in. The guy says that he usually drinks a six pack of beer after work every day, and on the weekends he says he does a little heavy drinking. Usually more than a case of beer over the weekend. The young man said he has been commended for his job, has a wonderful wife, etc...The man went on for about ten minutes talking about all the good things. Then this guy asks the magic question, "Do you think I am, or could become an alcoholic?"

Martin's response was good. He said "Son, I don't even know you. I wouldn't know you if I fell on you. But I do know this. I like string beans. I eat a lot of them. But I don't call radio stations at 11:30 at night and ask a total stranger if I might have a problem with 'em."

I am grateful for:

A HP who loves me

AA for giving me tools to live by

Being granted the willingness to try

Having places to go to hang with other sober drunks

Wheels that get me, and others to meetings

A roof over my head, food and clothing

Finally getting the idea about living one day at a time

Being able to say, "I don't know."

My 85 year old dad calling and saying "hang in there."

A lady who doesn't put me down for crying

Giving and getting hugs

A sponsor who's cool

Quiet time

Fall colors, and the ability to see, hear and feel

Into action when stuck...

2006-10-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

As bloggers do you ever feel like you can't come up with anything to blog about? I think well shiat am I runnin' out of pearls of wisdom? I don't have a clue. One thing did hit me today. After I got home from cleaning the Alano Club, I jump into the shower. I head to my closet to find something to wear to the AA meeting tonight. I started to get a little pissed when I couldn't make up my mind about what to wear.

I can drive 15 minutes from where I live and find people who only have the clothes they are wearing. That's all they have. Here I am getting pissed in a walkin closet! What a stroke of gratitude! Thank God for the ability to see the little things today that humble me. Another 24 hours...

Busy, busy, busy...

2006-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

On Monday a friend with 38 years sober had a stroke. Seems everytime I tried to logon to Blogger, their server was down. I missed posting HNT. I have been busy with a computer (not mine) that I'm fixing that's giving me fits. Yesterday I had to put on a happy face and say "How nice that you still have one megabyte of space left on your 120 gig harddive! Nearly perfect!" With some customers, I think the "waterboard" treatment would be more than appropriate.
I am volunteering at the Club today from 10am till 2pm, then back to that harddrive, then to the 6pm Big Book Study meeting.
Yesterday, I saw a drunk man fall off of his bicycle and possibly break his ankle. My friend and I pulled over as it was two doors down from where I live. As he lay there trying to get up, but not being able too, the traffic just kept going by. This guy was obviously in distress, yet nobody stopped to offer assistance.
My friend and I helped this guy with an ambulance and getting his dog and bicycle home. This morning, I got up and listened to the presidents speech about the war. That, with what I saw last night...What have we become? Basically, Iraq is now a battlefield against terrorists rather than a country.
All this is so sad. Very sad. During my morning prayer, I also thanked God I'M not on a dry drunk.
This is the first and last time you will see anything here about world events. Our government sucks. But today, I still can help others, and stay sober 24 hours at a time! Have a good weekend!

Feeling better...

2006-09-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

I did have a bug for a few days. I feel good now, thanks to those who left get weller comments. I had a 400mg Testosterone shot today and I cleaned the Club tonight and I just feel as if I could knock out the worlds strongest man with one punch.
Really though, I'd rather just hand out flowers and ask, "Who wants to read How it Works?"