hAAlf-nAAked Step Six...

I am ready to have God remove all these defects of charachter...My tools I have been using that have been killing me slowly...

In front of me...

dAAve's comment on my last post was right on. Not being able to turn my head very well has forced me to deal with the things going on in front of me. The ability to apply avoidance behavior is failing terribly. That is a good thing. It makes procrastinating difficult too. I thought last night was Thursday. My home group is on Wednesday evenings. I missed my home group. Sometimers disease is a huge part of my recovery...

• I am grateful for all the aspects of the spiritual foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Getting to meetings...

This past week, I have been to four real life face to face meetings, despite myself and this gawd awful stiff neck collar I have to wear outside. I have to wear it three more weeks. (6 weeks total) It makes for driving a bit of a bitch not being able to turn my head.


There is some fear of the unknown going on at home, but if we can stay in the "24 hours at a time," maybe these fears will be easier to deal with. Maybe if I just would say to myself I have two weeks of freedom left for a while, what would I really want to be doing to really enjoy life for today?? I know that God helps very much. The key for me is to not be in my own head too much. I am grateful I am sober today, and grateful my "room mate" is too...Hang in there, keep coming back and pray.

Same old shiat...

It's been just over two weeks since my surgeon granted me a new neck. The Social Security Administration has determined that my body is a train wreck. They also have determined that I'm a social misfit, so today they put me out to pasture with disability payments for the rest of my life. I have mixed feelings about it.

I am still in my post operative depression and feel lethargic. I feel as if I'm dragging a large ship anchor around. I'm not getting much done. I pray this all passes soon. I guess the neat thing is I don't have to pick up a drink over it like I used to in the past. My roommate has sure helped me a lot. I am glad we are here. In this depression I isolate from face2face meetings, and lean for assistance "online" and from someone close to me. I know this degree of depression won't last forever. Thank you for all your input, even from the anti-AA people. Don't drink and you won't get drunk.

Whoa!

I have to clarify some things in the previous post. The past couple of days I have been an absolute ass. I am not single. I am in a relationship with someone I love. My sponsor pointed out some things to me today that I could not see, and for that I am grateful. Just a week and one day ago, I was near dead under general anesthesia. My thinking and behavior have been deeply affected by that, and I have been running on fear that isn't close to the reality of things. It's easier for someone outside looking in to see what is happening in another's life. If you are in it like me, it's hard to see almost all of the time. I owe a huge amends to that person in my life that I love. I have said some hurtful things, and I need to own up to that. There has to be some room for both of us to grow, and I will make that room. I have too. At least two lives count on it. Laugh often and Pray hard. It make for an easier roller coaster ride.

Hell week...

Had my neck surgery last week. I guess it went ok, I was asleep so I'm not positive. I was only in the hospital one night. I'm a cranky patient. I usually want out the day after surgeries. This was my fourth spine surgery, and I always demand to get out the next day. Something about having a tube in my hangy-down-pink-part that really pisses me off. I feel myself entering into a dark depression, but this isn't anything new for me. I've dealt with it all my life. I am longing to live in the country again. I don't like the traffic in the city. So now I embark on a journey as a single person. I have found I cannot rely on people anymore. The good thing is this situation is forcing me to seek out my Higher Power more often. Yesterday it was every five minutes. I know there is a God there someplace. I just haven't got this conscious contact thing with God down pat yet. History shows me that in less than a week, I will want to sink an ice pick into my head. That fantasy will pass. This is routine for me and a serious flaw in my thinking. I'm angry.

I am looking for answers in a world that doesn't say much. So I will keep my mouth shut. Perhaps it would behoove me to close my eyes and "listen" more to what it has to say. I have to grasp that it is "Thy will, not mine, be done." This hasn't been an easy task for this self-centered, selfish, screw-everybody-else, it's all about me, alcoholic. I am a physical and emotional train wreck today. I suppose the good thing is I don't have to pick up a drink over it. Sorry. I'm just in a shiatty mood. I'll be over it with a little time. Ok everybody. Just for today don't take a drink. Regardless of what may happen in your life.